Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert?

29 replies
Hi all,

I have been sending some offers to my list lately and there are click thru....However, there are no sales and I am becoming worried. I am wonder if there is anything wrong with the sales page. Can all of you critic my sales page and tell me why it is not converting? Thanks!

How to Make Your fan Page Go Viral

PLR Cash Machine Sytem

Thanks!
#convert #critic #pages #sales #warriors
  • Profile picture of the author Chris Worner
    Howdy,

    you may find that you will get more helpful and qualified responses posting in the copywriting forum instead.

    Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author Simu :P
    I think the main No.1 factor is,

    You have "NO PROOF".

    Even I(who knows nothing about Fanpages :p ) Can write a copy telling everyone that I can increase your fans.

    Showing a before and after proof will BOOST your conversions.


    Thanks
    Simu
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  • Profile picture of the author SeanSupplee
    There really are way to many factors to tell you why or why not its converting for you. It really comes down to you and split testing. With that said consider some of these things.

    1. Where are you promoting your site? SEO, List, JV's etc If its not converting traffic then toss it out and move into a new area.

    2. Consider adding a call to action above the fold with an order button. Often times people will not read though the entire site and instead just want, "What is it your offering and what can it do for me? If that answers their question then they will just order without reading your sales copy.

    3. A lot of your images are taking up key areas of your page and require a lot of scrolling to get past. For example How to Make Your Fan Page Go Viral | Secrets to Facebook Marketing Consider pushing the image to the left and adding that catchy in your fast quick what is this whats it going to do for me? and an order button to the right of it.

    Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author grimmace
    Sean has some good tips, others I'd suggest are....
    A Header for your pages and possibly a Bonus offer along with a popout to at least capture some of your traffic adn build your list
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  • Profile picture of the author fated82
    Thanks guys...I will start to enhance the sales page...need to find a method that work!!!
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    • Profile picture of the author Michael Shook
      There are a couple of things you could try in tweaking your copy a bit.

      YOur headline about discovering the "one" secret is not logically consistent with the rest of the phrase, its hard to have "one" secret that does 2 things.

      Farther down in your copy, it becomes moee about multiple ideas instead of that one big secret.

      I have found that using the "imagine this" idea works better for me when it i presented earlier in the copy. More along the lines of 1. This is what you cold have then 2. You can't because it is so hard to do and 3. But we can slove that problem for you.

      That might be something worth testing to see if it converts better.

      In the first body paragraph, in the first sentence, the biggest problem is getting people to "like" our pages, but the rest of the paragraph is about driving traffic.

      It seems like there might be a step missing.

      Those are a couple of ideas that I saw, I hope they help you a bit.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay. Both of your headlines are too sterile, clinical. Neither is a grabber. They're almost boring. For example:

    Discover the One Secret to Making Your Fan Page Viral and Profititng From It

    Kinda vague. Try something like this:

    Experience Such A Tageted Traffic Explosion Your Servers Will Crash!

    Of course, let them know that you're not trying to crash anything but that the onslaught of new traffic they'll see is MAJOR...

    The point is to make your headline exciting so your visitors want more info. Both of your headlines are sleepers and need to be changed. Good luck.
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    • Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Kinda vague. Try something like this:

      Experience Such A Tageted Traffic Explosion Your Servers Will Crash!

      Of course, let them know that you're not trying to crash anything but that the onslaught of new traffic they'll see is MAJOR...
      Much better, but I'd avoid the negative implication of a crashed server. Even though most people will understand it isn't meant literally, it will still leave a negative image.
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      • Profile picture of the author davidlieder
        In all fairness to this guy, I've not seen his product, but Daniel you are apparently in violation of the forum rules to insult this guy or his product without first looking at it.

        Daniel, I think its kind of funny that you are such a jerk in your post, it reminds me of myself, he he, but you clearly don't know what you're talking about if you have not reviewed his product and can give some intelligent feedback other than insulting him.

        Now, for the guy who made the product, I would recommend you do a joint venture. Take the stuff you do know (if your product is valid) and let someone else do the marketing and sales page. There is a forum to ask for joint ventures here: Warrior Joint Ventures.

        So you could find someone to do everything you cannot, and then split the product with them 50/50.

        I agree that you should remove negative stuff from your sales page. You cannot say to people "Buy my product so your server will crash" (my paraphrase). Business owners are already scared and imtimidated by technology.

        However, a lot of people right now (mostly not IM people) are willing to spend money on a product about Facebook.

        It seems that you are claiming to know about viral facebook strategies, which have a lot of value to businesses. The reality is that business owners are paying big bucks for Facebook strategies right now, training videos are selling on Linked In for about $2,000 for a 90 minute package, so you are right on with your choice of product.

        However, you clearly are bad at sales, which is an entirely different thing. Daniel incorrectly throws all internet marketing together as if its all the same topic, but I'm sure he and everyone on this thread knows that there are many, many subjects and skills and most of us have only a few great skills and then are lacking in the rest.

        Or perhaps Daniel thinks he is a genius at everything, except of course following the WF forum posting rules.

        I hope this helps you.

        David Lieder
        Astral Universe Worldwide Media
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        • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
          Originally Posted by davidlieder View Post

          In all fairness to this guy, I've not seen his product, but Daniel you are apparently in violation of the forum rules to insult this guy or his product without first looking at it.
          Insulting? Shoot, what Daniel said is pillow talk in the Outback!

          LOL

          Alex
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        • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
          Originally Posted by davidlieder View Post

          In all fairness to this guy, I've not seen his product, but Daniel you are apparently in violation of the forum rules to insult this guy or his product without first looking at it.
          #1: FACT: OP is selling a product on using the internet to make money. I'd call that internet marketing, but we can split hairs if you want.

          #2: It's obvious OP has made next to zero cash with his "system", or he would have hired a decent copywriter to sell this and be done with it.

          #3: Marketing is marketing. It's just the delivery that changes. Most guys who are good at one type pick up the rest fairly easily.

          #4: He asked why it's not converting, and I told him what is a very likely reason... so I'm not breaking any rules at all. How do I know? The fact my post hasn't been nuked yet is a pretty clear indication (those mods are FAST).

          Furthermore... any experienced marketer can tell you what I delivered was far from just an "insult". It was a very shrewd piece of marketing advice the OP (and many other wannabe marketers) completely miss.

          Dislike it if you want. I'm just calling it like I see it... and adding a lot of good advice in the process.

          Somehow I think I'll manage to live with myself.

          -Daniel
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          Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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        • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
          Originally Posted by davidlieder View Post

          Or perhaps Daniel thinks he is a genius at everything, except of course following the WF forum posting rules.
          Or perhaps people who joined the forum a dozen posts back should leave the moderating to the moderators.

          What Daniel posted is indefensibly the cold hard truth of the matter.

          Brian
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Maybe... just MAYBE... it's the fact you're selling info on how to make money online when you clearly have no idea?

    Thinking your subscribers are idiots isn't exactly a good business plan.

    They can smell BS, y'know.

    -Daniel
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author aljones
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      Maybe... just MAYBE... it's the fact you're selling info on how to make money online when you clearly have no idea?

      Thinking your subscribers are idiots isn't exactly a good business plan.

      They can smell BS, y'know.

      -Daniel

      well said
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by kellyburdes View Post

        You know Daniel what I have enjoyed about your posts is that your a guy who obviously knows what he is doing, and you are willing to share that - but you don't sugar coat anything.

        So many people give the soft version, or let people slide on BS. I'm sure that some are offended by your style here, but I find it mostly refreshing.
        Originally Posted by aljones View Post

        well said
        Thank you, thank you... *bows*.

        I'm here all week.

        -Daniel
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        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author kellyburdes
    You know Daniel what I have enjoyed about your posts is that your a guy who obviously knows what he is doing, and you are willing to share that - but you don't sugar coat anything.

    So many people give the soft version, or let people slide on BS. I'm sure that some are offended by your style here, but I find it mostly refreshing.
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  • Profile picture of the author fated82
    Thanks for all the great comments. I will review all the sales page and improve them based on all the suggestions given....
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Harvey
    I didn't even read your copy much... the first thing I noticed is that you are targeting marketers. Who says Marketers are the only ones that want their fan pages to go viral?

    For all you know they can be business owners or just individuals.

    Secondly... not sure if the testimonial is from Fiverr or something... but a real testimonial wouldn't be so well thought out. You won't get someone who is a fan to actually even say the entire url... which by the way... if you gave someone a url like that... they won't care to put it into an address bar. It should be natural. That is one thing that didn't come as natural...the video tesimonial.

    Also, for someone reason your minisite is a bit bland. Probably too much white space or neutral colours. And for some reason I don't like the yellow button. Not sure why.
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  • Profile picture of the author clever7
    Sincerity may hurt, but I have a good intention. I want to help you succeed.

    You are not a good writer. You made many mistakes, and your writing is nothing persuasive. You should look for an editor; or better saying, find a professional copywriter.
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    • Profile picture of the author IMGirl82
      your webpage did not catch my attention and i wanted to close my browser right away. however, i loaded the webpage again and i have to say that your ecover is not good looking, i would design a new one, then take the rest of the suggestions that were given above
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  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    With the Facebook Fan Page page... the main thing is you're not giving people any reason to believe what you say. No proof, no hints at the direction you're taking, no lifting of the curtain. People won't pay 10 dollars or even one dollar if they're not convinced they're getting something of value. The topic is red hot, but you need to show you know what you're talking about. And also, you need to make the case how having that viral fan page will change things for them! You need to spell it out. Paint the picture in words or otherwise.

    With the PLR product... I'm afraid it's the opposite situation. If this were 2003, maybe PLR biz opp would be exciting, but in 2011.. you really, really have to work a lot harder to convince anyone they should go with it. A new angle, some compelling proof.. etc.
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  • Profile picture of the author mlcmartin
    One thing I noticed is that there is no price on the order button. Makes me feel like I go into one of those shady stores and the clerk tells me the price based on how he is feeling today. I think that was a subconscious turnoff for me personally which made me hover over the order button without even being curious to find out more about the product.
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  • hi there

    a few things - i would say "go viral" in the title and there is too much in the paragrahs .

    you also need a price in the buy now button
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  • Profile picture of the author fatimah Sanni
    @fated82, my two cents:

    How to make your fan page go viral:
    What is your own definition of viral? be specific, what can you help me with, 5,000 fans in less than 2 weeks? where's your proof, how many times have you done this? once could be a fluke.

    The no. one rule of copy writing is to write like you are writing a friend, the operative word being 'a'. Replace the us with you, no us or our.

    change your sub headlines,especially the 'only if you invested a paltry $9.95'. Your sub headlines should be headlines in their own right. Check your sub headlines and ask yourself, can this stand alone, obviously not!

    Have you ever considered the fact that some of your intending buyers are no users of paypal? what's the alternative?

    Where is your paycheck? yes, a check with your name on it and the fat earnings.

    The P.S issue, what day exactly is today? if I go there tomorrow, would the same 'today' still be there. You lose credibility that way.

    I really do hope I've been helpful.

    P.S: If you are such an expert, why not give out a free report on say, how I can get 850 friends in 2 weeks or how i can currently make money using facebook even if it is only $5/week. In other words, create an expert image for yourself. People will be more willing to buy.
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  • Profile picture of the author fated82
    Thanks for all the Warriors who spent the time and energy in critiquing my sales pages. I have made alot of changes thereafter (one of the few is to remove the testimonials).

    Please continue criticizing so that I can continuously make changes to it. Cheers!

    (Sales Page link on the first post)
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  • You lose me with sentences like these:

    "Now I’m not trying to sell you hopes or things that have yet to be proven. In fact, many unknown Internet Marketer have transformed into full-fledged Internet Entrepreneurs simply by using Private Label Content!"

    I get the idea but the writing is a little wonky and the benefit seems vague.
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  • This whole thing is kind of a joke. If you were any good at IM thing you would of learned how to sell. Just because this is on the internet doesn't mean the salesmanship part can go to ****. So, hit some sales books. It'll do you some good and, don't sell something to people when you have no clue how to do it yourself.
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