My first sales page.. looking for some advice

by 41 replies
50
Well I always knew it was going to be tough but i didn't expect it to be this tough!

Had a bash at writing my own copy for a product I decided to make and after a little run on adwords, I discovered.... it sucks!

Can anyone tell me why it's so bad? foolproofmoneymachineXcom

I guess I might just have to pay someone to re-write or do a full critique if it don't start converting soon.
#copywriting #advice #page #sales
  • Hey, the lay-out looks ok to me! However I have a few suggestions for you:
    1. The space between your image header and "Too Busy... ...Online" is a bit too big. Visitors decide in 3 seconds whether they stay or not. So make sure the formatting above the fold is perfect.
    2. Your proof of payment is a bit vague. It's also not clickable for a full size image. People want to see real proof. Not proof that is edited and cropped.
    3. I think you need some demo websites to show to your visitors, this will surely increase your sales.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Thank you, really appreciate it
  • Killed the big space, added some more proof in form of adsense screenshot and added a couple of example websites
  • Here are some minor typos I noticed...

    Corrections are in parenthesis.


    I know how your feeling right now...


    Your one of thousands of people


    ...searching for other ways to make money then doing my actual work.


    I went from being depressed with my job and having no money. To being happier then I have ever been with more money then I knew what do with.


    Learn How To Build Website's Like a Pro In Just A Few Click's Of The Mouse.

    And I'm not just talking about a one page website, were talking multi-page professional looking websites in just a few clicks of the mouse.
    • [ 2 ] Thanks
  • bukriv, thank you!
  • You have no headline, nothing to draw your visitors in. Your copy is unexciting. Whatever it is you're selling here isn't clear. Your descriptions are vague. You have six bullet points up there and only one (the one about flooding a site with free visitors) is actually good enough for a bullet. The rest are awful.

    Consider hiring a copywriter. One other thing, create a Warrior Forum sig file and put your link in it. You can do that as a newbie here. Good luck.
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    • Ashley,

      The proposition headline is very strong when done right.

      That being said, this headline does not succeed in that goal.

      Try using more specificity: "Give Me 2 Hours A Day, And I'll Show You My Secret To Making $323 A Day" or something. I wouldn't go TOO high. Sometimes, you have to water it down a bit to maintain believability.

      The farther you go from what they feel comfortable mentally, the more difficult the sale will be.

      The deck copy "go on to quit your day job" is awful. It's like saying, "Hey, you might, just might, be able to quit your job. Not sure, though. But maybe."

      Uh uh.

      "This secret will let you stroll into your boss' office 5 months (or sooner) from today, and casually say 'I quit' with no fear or worry about financial Armageddon knocking on your door"

      Not great, but you can see the impact is much different.

      As for your lead-in - "Too Busy Making A Living" - trash it. Jim Rohn and others played it out. It would work better as a lead - the first sentence of your body copy, after the salutation.

      For the lead-in, get more credibility, "After X Years of Searching And $X In Debts... With X Months Of A Bank Account In The Negative... Ashley Russell Can Finally Say..." And then your headline.

      The back-breaking effort of the journey to get to the point you're in builds credibility. Specifics sell.

      So, here is what your lead-in, headline, deck, and we'll say your lead of body copy could look like (and you judge the impact):

      After 3 Years of Searching And $5,451 In Debts... With 4 Months Of A Bank Account In The Negative... Ashley Russell Can Finally Say...



      This secret will let you stroll into your boss' office 5 months (or sooner) from today, and casually say 'I quit' with no fear or worry about financial Armageddon knocking on your door

      Dear Friend,

      If you're too busy making a living to actually make any money...

      If you're sick and tired of living paycheck-to-paycheck, delaying your bills for the next month because you can't pay them now...

      If you avoid driving your car too often to save on gas money...

      If you feel like your struggling every day to push against a financial brick wall...

      And if you're tired of reading about all these people getting richer than Midas on the internet - but can't figure out how...

      I'm about to give you the keys to the kingdom, so you'll forever leave that life behind."

      You get the idea. Hit some emotions - make them think about what their life is like right now. Those concerns are REAL concerns. I went through them. I know what it's like to have no money and how much it limits your life.

      Tap those buttons- but don't over do it. You're not trying to make the reader wallow in self pity. But you want to get him riled up.

      In another thread, maximum said, "You want to raise your reader's blood pressure by 50%."

      Great advice.

      Best,

      Angel
      • [ 2 ] Thanks
      • [1] reply
  • travlinguy thanks for your comments, i will take them on board.

    I would like to hire a copywriter eventually but I don't have the funds available for the kind of copywriter I want to hire It's something on my to do list tho, just have to wait a while.
  • Banned
    Cookie-cutter site that looks and reads like a million others and just screams "BS". Don't give up your day job cause this turkey's never gonna fly. Word.
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    • Day job? What day job?
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  • Changed the headline a bit now, what do you think?
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    • Hi Ashley,

      It might be better to change the headline to "$500 a Week... Completely Online." Or maybe increase the sum a bit. I'm not sure if this amount of money will tickle the greed glands well enough.

      The deck is VERY clunky. I had to read it 2-3 times before I realized some of the things had been moved around. It sounds too robotic.

      "This secret will let you walk into your boss' office... just 3 months (or sooner) from today... And confidently say "I QUIT!" Without Fear of Financial Armageddon knocking on your door."

      Read the one above aloud, and then read the one you have up online.

      The best judge of copy is the sound of it when spoken.

      Best,

      Angel
      • [ 1 ] Thanks
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  • No let me ask you a question.

    If you knew without a doubt, with 100% absolute certainty that you could spend $40 and 2 weeks from now you would be making $200 a day on autopilot. Would you spend that $40? If you were 100% absolutely certain and guaranteed that you would make $200 a day on autpilot?

    OF COURSE!

    Youd have to be a f*cking mental patient to not do so. The problem is lack of belief not lack of promise. Doesnt matter if its $10,000 or $100, nobody buys without belief.
    • [ 3 ] Thanks
  • Scrofford you wrote this not a month ago.. You've got some big big balls calling out Angel on here like you have.. I have been watching your posts... I too was as profoundly excited about copywriting as you are when I first started and came on here full of the same piss and vinegar you're showing off...But please.. spare us.. Angel has years more of empirical real-world copywriting experience than you do.. I think he knows what he is doing here.
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    • I don't think I have big balls calling Angel out. I don't agree with him. I just think that what he said wasn't correct. I don't think it matters who has years vs not as far as if someone is right or wrong. There are a lot of people who have been doing this forever who suck at it. I'm not saying Angel sucks at it at all. I just don't agree. Should I cower in the corner and keep my mouth shut since I am new if I don't agree and it goes against everything I have been taught?

      If I am wrong then I am wrong, but I don't think I am in this situation. Everyone can learn from everyone else. It doesn't matter how long you have been or have not been doing something. You can still learn.

      I wasn't "calling him out" as you put it. I just disagree. So what? At the end of the day does it really matter?
  • I guess at the end of the day. You're right... Opinions are like assholes we all have them...

    But the difference between you and someone that has made money from his opinions is that one you can trust more than the other to work. Will yours not work? Who knows, maybe you're just a salesletter away from the next cash sucking whale on clickbank..

    My point is, since you're new... sit back, relax and before you call someone that is a professional copywriter...like Angel... not an expert... Think, do I even know what an expert is...? Can I put myself in the position of one to know that I can tell them from the loser or wannabes? Chances are since you're not in the position of one... You can't.

    Good Luck
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    • Another blind squirrel trying to chase an acorn...

      What does this offer the OP? Nothing that she or he hasn't already read on the internet.. This place is about giving useful information, USEFUL. That is, Hey this works and this doesn't change it because I'm an actual copywriter and can back it up with conversions i've made in the past.
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  • Trust me it's good advice...Why? Because I too made the biggest asshole out of myself on here when I first started posting here... Took a course, thought I knew it all... Damn was it a good course in hindsight.. But still left a lot to learn.. And I only realize that now when I compare what I know to the experience some of the copywriters on this board have...HUGE difference.

    Ross
  • If you know nothing about copywriting, I congratulate you for this. although there are many things which need some repair, a lot of people would not even get this far.

    I've personally adapted John Carlton's Way of writing. The headline is one of the last places I get to first. The first is the great market research, followed closely by the unbelievable USP.

    After you understand the hurt and frustrations of your market, you can create your message. In doing so there is no guesswork. It seems like you have an understanding, but may need some fine tuning.

    Stay away from vague words. I don't like to use step-by-step, or easy(as compared to what). Certain words like those are used all the time, break out the thesaurus and wow the reader with exciting words.

    Paint a fun exciting picture within the readers mind. Make sure the bullets are benefits and if there is a feature, make sure the benefit is mentioned right next to it.

    Your close is kind of weak. It is only about 1.4 sentences. Don't be afraid to TeLL your readers what to do. there are often many times where sales letters fail horribly, because the reader simply had no clue what to do at the end. (oh yes it was a nice letter, now what...*crumple*)

    You did a pretty good job with the bonuses, but I think the descriptions should be better for them, to give them a reason to buy the product SOLELY for the bonuses.(it's happened, I've done it)

    Regardless, test it, create your own checklist and make it happen.

    You are on the right track, just keep working at it.

    Take Care,
    David R.
  • Yeah pretty much. Except my version would of been...And they all stink.

    -Ross
  • I thought the same thing about AR's headlines too but heres the thing. In some markets those headlines could do quite well if the author had strong credibility. For example, if John Reese had a program that said:

    Give Me 4 Months... And Ill Make You $25,000 Richer!

    Then came out with some kind of expensive $5,000 coaching program which guaranteed to make you at least $25,000 in the next 4 months a lot of people would say..

    DEAL!

    But if you had a little ebook with no proof that said that, people would tell you to kiss their asses.

    If Warren Buffet came out with a book that said Give Me 4 Months And A Thousand Dollars... And I Guarantee You Will Be $25,000 Richer. People would be fighting over that book.

    Its about belief, you can say huge claims as long as they will be believed. Its all about human psychology.

    Its not just what you say its the context of where and how it is said. Some copy will pull amazingly well for a guru and fail miserably for an unknown chump. Look at John Reese, he doesnt even bother with testimonials and sells like hell. He has other, more powerful forms of proof, such as celebrity, social proof, and a personal brand with a high degree of trust.

    So really whether or not these headlines would work is all relative and dependent on numerous factors, not just the ones ive named. It is the customer, not the copywriter, who decides what is a good headline.

    Also I should point out that AR's headline is ripped from a headline by Clayton Makepeace which mailed in the millions. I dont nessecarily think he did a perfect job of ripping it but as long as you could back up your claims and had enough credibility up front you could do very well.

    Furthermore if you look at current control packages online you will see they make much larger claims than the ones AR just made.

    Opinions are irrelevant, the marketplace decides what is good advertising.
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  • Banned
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  • Dude you won... I can't beat that headline...Where do I hand over my account? ... You've defeated me with both your 20 years as a marketer and copywriting 103 article.
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