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I need a critique

by sparrow
14 replies
Hi

I need some help with a WSO I am running, I feel I have something technically wrong with my sales page

could someone take a look at it and point out the obvious, I feel it should be converting better, I am too close to this to see it

http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...t-limited.html

Ed
#critique
  • Profile picture of the author sparrow
    hello if you make a critque do so here in this thread, please do not go and repsond in the actual WSO,

    Ed
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Perhaps the issue is that not enough of the right people
    are opening yoru WSO.

    Full MRR/PLR Rights BIAB - Rare Find Hot Niche Breaking Out Like Crazy In Google Insight - Limited

    When I read it I see it's "Green".

    You are trying to convince people that this is a good niche
    to get into with your product. Instead why not try to
    reach the people who are already involved in it?

    Lots of Warriors promoted the Water4Gas thing - and that
    is peripherally related to your Green topic.

    See what I mean? I might have titled the WSO something like?

    "Hippy Warriors! Get The Money From The Green-Freak Market! PLR/MRR"
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    • Profile picture of the author sparrow
      interesting take on this

      my problem is people who opened it did not convert, maybe a combination of both will help

      thanks for your comment

      Ed

      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      Perhaps the issue is that not enough of the right people
      are opening yoru WSO.

      Full MRR/PLR Rights BIAB - Rare Find Hot Niche Breaking Out Like Crazy In Google Insight - Limited

      When I read it I see it's "Green".

      You are trying to convince people that this is a good niche
      to get into with your product. Instead why not try to
      reach the people who are already involved in it?

      Lots of Warriors promoted the Water4Gas thing - and that
      is peripherally related to your Green topic.

      See what I mean? I might have titled the WSO something like?

      "Hippy Warriors! Get The Money From The Green-Freak Market! PLR/MRR"
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  • Profile picture of the author DussaultPR
    Sparrow I think you need to work on your word flow as well.

    I personally found myself having to stop and re-read your sentences because the message was not clear.
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  • Profile picture of the author erinwrites
    I'll be honest and say that I didn't read very much because it became too much work for me too quickly. Your word flow needs work. It looks a lot like you wrote directly from an outline and forgot to turn your outline bullet points into sentences. I was using most of my brain power to mentally correct the text and wasn't able to pay attention to what you were trying to sell. I did like the cover art of the book though!

    I'm sorry to be so harsh
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  • Profile picture of the author DussaultPR
    If writing ad copy is not your forte, maybe you should job it out.

    The word count is low, so it shouldn't cost very much at all to have it done.

    Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author sparrow
    thanks for the critque
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  • Profile picture of the author write-stuff
    For me, the headline seemed too long and confusing. It appears that these long headlines are in vogue, but are they really effective?

    Best of luck with it. - Russ
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  • Profile picture of the author DussaultPR
    Sparrow have you done a rewrite yet? I'm curious to see your changes!

    Cheers,

    Robert
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    • Profile picture of the author Kylew
      Banned
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author sparrow
        I thought the graphs would help because a picture is worth a 1000 words
        for showing how there is interest in this niche

        someone also mentioned putting a buy now button higher but couldn't figure where to do it

        several mentioned the flow is it the order of events or just the writing to choppy

        Ed

        Originally Posted by Kylew View Post

        I think you have a lot of content, and that is good. But the graphs and stuff threw me off a little. I did not know what they were so I just skipped them to what you were selling and how to make money.
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        • Profile picture of the author carmene
          The headline is too much for me. Too many words and they don't grab me. Why don't you test different headlines and see if you can get better results.
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    • Profile picture of the author sparrow
      I redid the headline and made some rewrote some areas

      Originally Posted by DussaultPR View Post

      Sparrow have you done a rewrite yet? I'm curious to see your changes!

      Cheers,

      Robert
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  • Profile picture of the author John Willer
    It doesn't flow like it should
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  • Profile picture of the author DussaultPR
    Hi Sparrow,

    It's an improvement, but not quite there yet.

    The problem is a lot of your sentences are not grammatically correct, which is causing you a lot of harm. Lets face it! If the reader can't make sense of your sales page, then he's probably thinking the e-book makes no sense either.

    If you plan on putting a lot of time, energy and money into promoting this e-book? Then I would definitely spend the few dollars needed to have your text corrected first.

    Good luck

    Robert
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