WANTED: Ass Kicking, No Holds Barred Copywriters To Tear This Apart!

I didn't get past you headline because it's not clear what I was reading about. You talk about 'approach anxiety' and hint that it's something men are trying to overcome. Okay. Men have anxiety over a lot of things they're approaching. Is it middle age, a job promotion, health issues that come with aging...? Who knows? Certainly not your reader.

You do manage to mention that it's about approaching women toward the end of your first sub-header, but that's not good enough. You need to get straight to the point in your headline by grabbing your prospect by the throat and shaking him.

We often become so caught up in what we're promoting that we naturally assume everyone on the planet is aware of certain phrases and keywords associated with it. Big mistake. The body of your copy might be outstanding but most people won't ever know it because the headline is weak. Actually, it's more than weak...

Why does no one ever take some students, do a video and show how well their fantastic system works? Why isn't there a picture of you with women?

I agree with the above. However, fixing it merely puts you into competition with 15,000 others selling something similar.

You point out the focus is people who have tried and failed with a similar product. Yet you don't acknowledge that failure. You don't provide extra special proof and credibility required to sell to people who've failed.

If it were weight loss, you'd explain why the average person has tried 4.3 diets before hitting on one that works. Then you say it is because there are five types of body chemistry. And, without your system, you have a separate diet for each and a way to determine which body chemistry you are.

Your chosen target is going to be super skeptical. You have to give your background and why anyone should listen to you about dating. You have to show the system in action and working for someone else.

Right now you haven't enough proof for a regular pitch to someone buying their first course. Next the 10,000 - 50,000 is a fictional income number you included to cover just about everybody. The range cuts across about three different demographics. You'll have to do better understanding your customer and targeting a specific demographic.

I agree about the headline. It has to be completely clear in and of itself. What is "approach anxiety"? How about something like..."Seduce any woman you meet in fifteen minutes and make her your love slave!" A little over the top, but at least it says what you're trying to say.

Your Headline does need some work and the sub headline as well here is something you may want to try

"Discover a little known secret for picking up women that instantly eliminates your approach anxiety, boosts confidence, and kills nerousness; allowing you to experience the kind of results you have only dreamed about"!

As said before you are climbing an up hill battle where others have sold the same product that didn't work so you have to overcome their natural belief that your product is the same as everything else on the market

Good luck

The headline does seem a little bland. I recommend you take the first part of your sub headline and use that as your headline as follows...

It's a tough market now.

I would look for some more proof when compared to the competition.

DYD's ebook would be more tempting (better offer)

Your headline sucks big time. I find it so boring to read boy. It is hard to stay on that page.

Who are your target audience, the English college professor or the man in the street, it is really unclear.

I suggest a bit of research to find out what real people are reading.

Sorry

Really sorry - convert if 1% that would be massive