Sales page feedback, please?

by 7 replies
8
Hello warriors,

I've just finished writing the sales letter for v 2.0 of my time management course for women in business.

Would you be kind enough to take a look and give me some ideas for improvements? I'm sure there's atleast a 1000 things that I need to work on so getting some ideas from your expertize would be fantastic.

The link is: The Time Manual that Will Transform Your Life

Thanks a lot!
Rigdha
#copywriting #feedback #page #sales
  • Couple of quick comments:

    - Visually, the page looks like one long block of text. This makes the copy look dense and intimidating. I suggest you find some appropriate graphics to break up the monotony.

    - The headline, subheadline, and the parts of the copy I skimmed, don't pass the "So What?" Test.

    So what? if they get this product? So what? if they don't?

    - Your headline meanders and never really gets to the point. It's one of those "throw every possible buying motivation in the headline, and hope one of them sticks" headlines.

    The result is white noise. It's a headline that tries to say everything, and therefore ends up saying nothing.

    Same applies to your sub-head. White noise.

    Distill to the essence of your problem/solution/offer. What's keeping your prospects awake at 3 a.m.?

    When your prospect wishes to "eliminate all the stress, anxiety, insecurity, financial worry and feelings of helplessness" what is it they want to experience? What does "generate a healthy income" allow them to experience? What does "live a life of freedom and passion" feel like?

    Enter the conversation your prospect is already having with herself. And, she's probably not saying to herself, "Self, I need to find a way to live a free and charismatic life!"

    - You also mention in your OP that this product is aimed at women.Yet, I found nothing woman-specific in your opening. If you're directing the product at a certain demgraphic, then call out to that demographic in your headline. Let them know that you're talking to THEM, not just some random passerby.

    - What PROBLEM does your product solve? It seems as though you intend it to solve a smorgasbord of problems. This weakens your copy (see: shotgun approach = white noise, above)

    Decide on what your Big Problem is. Then pick 3 - 5 other, lesser problems. A good place to start looking is in your testimonials. For example:

    "power strategies for getting organized and learning how to eliminate distractions" (and that gets me *what* benefit?)
    "immediate steps to regaining control of their time" (and that gets me *what* benefit?)
    "solid strategies people can apply with trackable results" (and that gets me *what* benefit?)
    "Unlike many books that are vague " (and that gets me *what* benefit?)
    struggling to maintain a work life balance. ...a plan to improve my work life balance" (and that gets me *what* benefit?)

    In your copy, you're going to explain how your product solves The Big Problem, first. Then tackle the other, lesser problems in descending order.

    - Why is your price buried all the way at the bottom of the page? It makes it look as though you know your product isn't worth the asking price, and you're trying to hide it. I shouldn't have to click thru to a payment page to discover the price.

    - I also discover, in the teeny, grey fine print at the very bottom, that this is a video course. What if I don't like video and I pay for the course - only to discover it's video? I'm not going to be happy.

    Telling your potential buyer what she's going to get in the product is hugely important. Not only can you use the description of the product as a way to build desire, you also reduce the possibility of refund requests from disappointed buyers.

    Overall, the page needs some heavy editing. You'd save yourself heaps of time by getting a proper professional critique.
    • [1] reply
    • Looks like you've just given the better part of a professional critique.
  • Hello,
    I believe you are off to a good start. However, the number one component on a successful sales page needs to be changed: The Headline.

    There is simply, too much text in the headline.

    The headline should follow the elevator pitch rule, meaning you should be able to state it in 60 seconds and sound very concrete about it.

    If I were to ride on an elevator with you, and you said that to me.. I would just be left wondering what the heck you're talking about..

    about 90% of my successful headlines start out: discover, learn how, find, top 3 ways. etc..

    In this case, I would say something along the lines of
    "Discover how a recent client was able to increase his bottom line by X % (give measureable results), while spending more time with his family"

    You have to think like a business owner. We want to increase our profits while being able to spend more time doing the things we love.

    Going past the headline, there are A LOT of bullets, with too much text. Ultimately, you need to slim it up some.

    And some of the bullets frankly dont make too much sense:

    "Do you ever feel like you're the only one working hard in your relationship with your business?"


    Moral of the story,
    You have a lot of content, but I believe you got a little wordy in the delivery. You need to focus more on your value added propositions... that's what people buy.
  • Not to be rude or critical (but you did ask) but, I'd steer off that page the minute I saw the errors in grammar / proper english ..

    Keep in mind your targeting business professionals and that to capture / hold their attention, your product, and presentation needs to be top notch -

    Just sayin

    Rev
  • Thank you for the critique guys. Collette, I really appreciate the pointers and will start working on them right away.

    TaiZejan, thank you for the encouragement!

    Rev, thanks for the heads up, I did get the letter proof read by a professional so I will have to take another look again.

    Really appreciate your help warriors!
    Rigdha
  • Banned
    [DELETED]
  • Headline way too long. You need to break up the page...it looks like a huge block of text. Work on the continuity also.
    • [1] reply
    • First of all, not such a bad first effort. It's definitely workable - a.k.a. worked to convert.

      A few important points for you though:

      - If you want people to read your headline and subheading, cut them down to about 17-20 words max. I've yet to see an offer that couldn't be communicated in that number of words, and it matters because people have an eyesight buffer, and you want to insert a *whole idea* into it and not have them move on before they've got it. Got it?

      - Second, the tone of the letter strikes me a little off balance. At least half of it talks about all the pitfalls and the negatives of running a business. You want to cut that down to just enough to have aggravated the problem, and then move on to your solution fast and strong.

      - If you have long lists of bullets, I suggest you cut them down into groups of 7-9 maximum, and preferably related to each other somehow. Again goes with how much information the reader's mind can take in and process at a time. And visually, whether they'll even attempt to do so.

      - Your big 'here it is' moment is quite weak, unfortunately. "When a business fails, it is often because of what the business owner is or isn't doing for the business". No kidding? Now that bit may mean something to you personally, but it isn't likely to be a huge realization for someone reading it the first time. The followup "most business failures.." isn't much better. I really suggest you come up with something that carries bigger emotional impact, and make it stand out on the page.

      - Also, if you're selling in the 100 dollars plus range, you really need a product image. People need to be able to conceptualize exactly and easily, what they're getting for their dollars.

      - Also, I'd really make your METHOD pop out on the page. Since you're selling time management, in which there's quite a lot of competition, you need to stand out. Got a step-by-step? Got some concepts of your own? Process diagrams? Slap them out there. Builds your credibility right away.

      - On the visuals side of things, if you don't want to create snazzy graphics and all that, at least use some accentuation via bolding and such, to help people catch the really important parts of the pitch.

      - Reformat your subheadings; don't let them run the whole width of the letter, you don't want to force the prospect to have to squint and focus. You want it to have rhythm and impact.

      - And lastly, if you have a personal story, do share it, and share it right as the opening. Pulls people into the letter assuming you really have something real you've succeeded with and want to share.
Join the discussion

Next Topics on Trending Feed