I've read the Critique Checklist - Please critique my Copy/Sales Page

Hello,

Welcome to the forum.

I looked at your site. Initially, I did not realise you had content on that page, as it appears below the fold.

Looking around your page, nothing makes me want to click on it. It's late and I'm tired, but most web users are lazy. Perhaps if you had some enticing article titles that might inspire visitors to click further?

Good luck!

A little hard to navigate but I did find the video. Very cute.

Good luck with it.

less colored

Read some books on copywriting. What you've got at that
URL is not what I consider selling copy.

I'm not trying to be mean, it's just not structured as
persuasive copywriting needs to be. Get Victor Schwab's
book if you're drawing a blank here. It will help you tons.

I'd echo what Loren said, and specifically suggest the very inexpensive book by Dan Kennedy, "The Ultimate Sales Letter" in paperback (ten bucks I believe)

The piece you wrote is, at times, an interesting narrative, but is also very long and not so easy to relate to at other points. At no point would I consider it a 'sales letter'.

Personally, I hope you meet and surpass your goals. You could also be an inspiration to others and the world needs plenty of that. Being a diabetic myself, I also applaud your efforts to help JDR. Good Luck!
_____
Bruce

Hi Mike,

I think people are getting the wrong page... when I cut and past what you had above and then clicked on the link to this page--with the video at the top--I *think* is what you wanted people to look at.

The others make good points about reading the Kennedy book, I just wanted to give you some more specific thoughts to help you get started...

You've obviously got to work within the confines of the page they've set up, so I don't know how much formatting you can do. But if possible, I'd make your headline bigger and make it focus more on the audience. While you pose an interesting question, they aren't in the position to have people follow them 24-7, so they may stop reading pretty quickly.

So how will they benefit from supporting you? That's the first question you really have to answer to get clear about what to say.

From my initial impressions, you're basically inviting them to help change your life and maybe change their own along the way. That will appeal to people--especially if you make it more of a community effort.

Will you have a website community for them to follow along? Undertake some of the same challenges you are? Share with others? It's probably easier than you think to set something like that up. Even a newsletter or Google group would be helpful for keeping them involved.

I know it's outside the scope of what you're asking for here but to me, marketing and strategy go hand-in-hand. The better your "offer" so to speak, the easier it will be to write compelling copy.

As a side note--I know squat about getting traction for the movie once it's actually made. But I imagine it's like other forms of media enough that if you have a community of thousands of people following along--even if they've paid just a minimum amount to be there--that might get your documentary some serious attention when it's done because you're coming with a built-in audience...

Anyway, some will be excited about the chance to be a part of the next potential indie blockbuster--their one and only brush with Hollywood. So talk about that some too--your hopes and plans for the documentary in that sense.

And try to come up with an analogy that shorthands what you're doing for people--so they instantly "get" what you're doing here. This is not at all meant to be accurate, but something like "The Biggest Loser meets 30 Days." (I would definitely pick something most people would know--which wouldn't be Morgan Spurlock's 30 Days series LOL--but you know what I mean.)

I know it may seem like it's oversimplifying it, but once they "get" it, they'll be more likely to want to know more.

And overall, you've got a lot of copy on the page. It's good you tell your story, but like any good filmmaker, you've got to tighten it up. People have the attention span of gnats.

Hope it helps, it sounds like a cool project.