Copy Critique: Can You Help me Out?

10 replies
Hi all...

Thanks for all your feedback....
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    It's not bad though it's pretty vanilla. What's missing is benefits. A healthy lifestyle is good for many reasons. You'll feel better. You'll probably live longer, etc. Most people already know these things.

    Benefits almost always appeal to emotions. An example I like to use is this. You're in the market for a high end car. You can have anything you want. You opt for a Mercedes, but not just any Mercedes. The one you're getting has an 18 karat diamond encrusted shift knob and there will only be 30 of these manufactured. That's an exclusive feature of the car. This feature alone will run a cool S75,000.

    The benefits the buyer will derive are pride, special status, exclusivity, etc. You might address these benefits saying something like:

    Imagine how envious the other club members will feel knowing you've opted for the best.



    With something like this you can appeal to envy, pride and other emotions. When I get ready to address the benefits of any offer I almost always make a list (off the actual page, of course) of the Seven Deadly Sins. Those are:
    • ENVY
    • SLOTH
    • GLUTTONY
    • WRATH
    • PRIDE
    • LUST
    • GREED
    Getting back to your page. You'd do well to sit and think of the benefits your readers will derive from your program and present them wisely. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author remsleep
      Hi travlinguy,

      Thanks for your feedback... This is a free report. Not the main program. I will look into improving this one. Will work with my copywriter

      More feedback is appreciated
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      • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
        Originally Posted by remsleep View Post

        Hi travlinguy,

        Thanks for your feedback... This is a free report. Not the main program. I will look into improving this one. Will work with my copywriter
        It doesn't matter whether it's free or not. People don't just give out their email addresses.

        With what you have got know you will probably get some response from luke-warm people.

        This copy is like a draft before a draft. I would definitely keep working on it.

        As the other posters said you need to speak more directly to a specific audience and the push their emotional buttons.
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  • Profile picture of the author remsleep
    Any more suggestions???? Thanks
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  • Tell the story of who Dr Athira is... how they came across the info... who they've helped... how obesity has affected them or those close to them etc.

    Tell the story of the prospect... their struggles... their desires... their day-to-day frustrations etc

    This site, at present, is too easy to ignore (picture the prospect with his mouse hovering over the 'Back' button)... it needs the "human touch" to draw you in.
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  • Also... don't assume that because it's free - it isn't a hard sell. People value their brain space, time, inbox space etc too much to sign up for every mailing list they come across :-)
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    • Profile picture of the author remsleep
      Hi NikNikAndCauliflower....

      Thanks for your valuable suggestion.. Is it possible to get all that info in there for a squeeze page? The things you tell.. Should go in a sales page I suppose. Correct me if I am wrong.

      Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
    Hi there RemSleep,

    The squeeze page copy isn't grabbing my eyes. Bullets are supposed to draw a person's eyes to read main points. Since you have over a page of bulleted items, only the headline stands out... making the bullets all but useless.

    As a result, I end up skipping the whole page without signing up.

    Now... you can have a squeeze page with only a Headline and bullets -and get away with it- if you make the headline very interesting and keep the bullets to a 4-6 bullet minimum with information compelling enough that a reader runs to sign up to find out more!

    Try to poke at your reader's curiosity, and keep it short - does your free report use an unusual technique? Dangle it in front of them. You'll get a lot of sign-ups.
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    • Profile picture of the author remsleep
      Thanks DanielleLynnCopy..... I will look into it
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      • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
        I'll get right to it (since I'm strapped on time):

        1. Lame lead-in. (Free Report Reveals...)

        Instead, use that valuable real estate to introduce Dr. Athira and the doctors qualifications.

        For example, "Dr. Athira, who has helped XX people across the country PERMANENTLY lose as much as xxlbs In Only X Days, Using Scientifically-Supported Methods, reveals to you, absolutely free..."

        And then a headline.

        2. The headline needs more specificity. Your entire upper half has NO specificity thus far (the lead in, head, and deck). Because it has no specificity, it has almost zero credibility. The only believability it has is the "Dr" infront of Athira. I'd work on getting something in there, like "the 7 Truth about How To..." etc.

        3. Get some copy in there. Build rapport.

        "Dear Friend,

        For the last X years, I have helped women who have struggled with their weight finally - permanently - gain the bodies they've always wanted. Sometimes, bodies they had when they were younger and time stole away from them.

        Either way, I was always happy to finally help these women - just like you - restore their confidence. They felt comfortable with sex again, with wearing more revealing clothing. They didn't suffer "ugly step-sister" syndrome anymore. They simply blossomed when you pealed away the weight!

        And while helping these women, I've gritted my teeth at the countless falsehoods making their way around the internet. Things not only complete untrue, but possibly even dangerous! Some of the women who came to me had these lies planted into their minds."

        Build rapport. Become their friend. Now, Dr. Athira is their champion and speaking out against a common enemy.

        4. The bullets. I don't have time to rewrite them. So, I recommend you pick up a copy of Ray Edwards' book, "Writing Riches," and read what he says about writing bullets.

        Add some pizzaz.

        Overall, it could use a lot of refinement. But therein is the joy of a squeeze page - when you have to refine it, there is not a whole lot of time involved (unlike a 20 page letter).

        If you want to take a more humble approach, I would even try this for a lead-in:

        "A Brief, Urgent Message From Dr. Athira, who has helped..." and then credibility elements.

        Put a picture of Dr. Athira up, lab coat and all. Looking very professional, nice, and doctor-y.

        I think you need a LOT more specificity. Specifics sell. And you've hardly any on the page.

        Credibility and believability are the only ways you make prospects buy. They won't buy if they don't think you're credible enough to be believed.

        Hope this helps.

        Warmly,

        Angel
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