Website isn't converting. What copy mistakes am I making?

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Hi folks,

I paid some guys on Elance to make a site for a client of mine. I wrote the copy. Client says both versions (English and French) haven't generated any calls.

They are getting enough traffic though, as I am also doing SEO and the rankings are good (and I have statcounter installed, so I know he is getting clicks - about 12 a day on average for both.)

Hundreds of visits over a period of several months... and no calls. Something is wrong. Also no one signed up for the free report and newsletter, so I am taking Aweber off for the time being.

The site seems to be lacking some oomph, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I'd be grateful if you could give me your thoughts on the copy, layout and general impression you get from taking a look at it.

Montreal Dental Implants

Thanks!

Gabriel
#copywriting #converting #copy #making #mistakes #website
  • Here is my feedback:

    - Maybe the traffic you are getting is not targeted.
    - Your opt-in needs more visibility. Use graphics to make it eye-grabbing. You can also try to place it above the folder (maybe first thing in the top of the side bar or even bellow the header).
    - Facilitate the contact. Don't just write your telephone. Place a contact form and call to action. Again, make it visible.

    Hope it helps.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Here is the number one thing you have to deal with: the generation the site is targeting isn't comfortable with the internet.

      There are several ways you can get around that, the main one being using video.

      Now, this video needs to be very simple - one person they can trust explaining to them how they can benefit from the service.

      In this case it might be the dentist himself.

      The video you have now is too professional to build trust. It looks like an advert. Plus, the people in it are all foreigners - something that doesn't go down well with the American audience.

      You also need testimonials from members of their age group. Again, simple, authentic, not professional!

      Even though I'm a fan of long copy, in this case it might not be the best option.

      Why?

      Because the audience you are targeting needs more time to build trust. They won't call for an appointment just from sales copy.

      So try to get them to give you their snail mail address, they are more likely to respond to that.

      If they call it should be for more information - definitely not to set up an appointment. That will most definitely scare them away.

      In any case, people wouldn't sign for the mailing list because there is no obvious benefit. You need to have some sales copy just to sell the newsletter.

      Finally, here are some tips to make your copy stronger.

      The key here is to truly understand what these people want and feel. I think at this point they can tell that whoever wrote this copy doesn't "get" them.

      Remember, these people have been around for a long time. So many people have taken advantage of them. New technology confuses (and frustrates!) them.

      So your fonts will have to be bigger etc.

      You might want to spend a few hours in your clients (or a similar) office and talk to some of these people.

      You will definitely get powerful insights that will help you strengthen your copy.

      All the best!
      • [ 2 ] Thanks
  • that layout needs to remodeled to be centered around your copy, there is just so many places for them to look right now.. i dont know rather to look at the video or the optin box or the copy lol.. just tweak that layout a lil and you should be fine.

    I would switch to a one column layout and put the optin box through out the copy, and the video at the top of the copy
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Some great tips here so far.

    I'd change the banner to say... Chew Comfortably and Smile Confidently Again

    Shortening the sentence and adding again will bring back a nastalgic happy time in their life and start them off with a positive happy outlook on the web page.

    Then I'd go single column, get a video of the actual dentist himself if you can talking about .. himself and his practice.. where he's located, how long he's been in business, a quick tour of the office or at least a view of the outside to help people recognize it when they come to visit. (seeing it will help them remember it... maybe they have already seen the building 30,000 times and seeing it in the video will add more "social proof" for them)

    Have the dentist present a call to action at the end of the video to either stop in, give us a call, or send an email through the sign up form to get a special coupon/discount/free check up type thing... there needs to be something to make them want it.

    Increase the font size to at least 14... if you can't read it standing 6 feet from your computer... they probably can't either.

    If shooting a video doesn't work, you could swith to a picture of the staff followed by some info about them, how long they've been there etc.
  • How about: "Rediscover Your Smile!" "We Can Help." in your banner.

    Being a senior myself, but internet savvy, I find the presentation intimidating. Too much work to get to what I really want to know:

    1) How do implants work?
    2) How long does the procedure take?
    3) Is it painful? How long to recover?
    4) What are the options? (different types of implant, for example)
    5) Is it covered by health insurance? (probably more a Canadian question)
    6) Is anaesthesia involved?
    7) Is it done in the doctor's office or in a surgery?
    8) What makes them better than regular dentures?
    9) Does the denturist need special training for this procedure?
    10) Does it work for everyone?
    11) How do I tell if I'm a good candidate?
    12) How are they cared for in comparison to dentures or real teeth?

    It needs more punch to get your visitors involved right away. Rather than starting with a list of questions that THEY have to answer, offer a list of benefits or how quick and easily a person can get relief from missing teeth and be able to eat comfortably and smile confidently again.

    I'd also go with a bit larger font. It's small in Firefox for me. Also make it a black font. It looks grey to me, which makes it a bit more difficult to read.

    Entice them with the punchiest benefits in point form, and then send them to download the report to get more details (perhaps answering the questions I noted above). Put an image of the report next to the opt-in box. Move the box from the side and put it smack dab under your opening points.

    This would all be above the fold (the first screen they see without scrolling down).

    I think that should help to boost your opt-ins.

    You might even consider making this just a squeeze page and send people to it, rather than to the main page of the site.

    The bullet points that you do have seem lengthy. They'd be more effective if you can shorten them by at least 1/4 or more.

    Sylvia
    • [ 2 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • I think most the advice here is overcompensating.

      What I mean is, dental implants are not the internet marketing niche where you have to explain to people how crap works all day long in order to get them to buy it.

      Instead, get that side bar to say something more compelling like "Schedule a free consultation" or "Chat with our team". Something friendly and inviting. Make it visible. Then use it to schedule a time to sit down and chat with prospective clients who like your services and found your website online.

      No one is going to opt in to a free report who doesn't know what it means or what it contains. No one. This might work for a make money online ebook or a video guide, but for dental implants, you want to get people on the phone right away.

      So, bottom line, stop treating people like you would treat them as an affiliate marketer or an info product creator and start treating them like a confident professional in an established, well known industry.

      Also, get a bit more traffic. This is not a hard word to rank number one for. 40 percent of the traffic happens up there. The rest is basically table scraps.
      • [1] reply
  • Rick and Adwords Mogul make great points. Seriously - there be gold in them there posts.

    But I've seen sites a lot worse generate at least SOME interest.

    My gut tells me either:

    1) your traffic is craptacular (very likely), or

    2) the calls the site is generating aren't being tracked. How would the dentist know people are calling from the site? Is there a special offer I missed only for web customers? Do the receptionists ask how the people heard about the practice?

    Though Rick and AM's points will certainly help increase conversions significantly, IMHO you have a bottleneck earlier in the process.

    -Daniel
    • [2] replies
    • Yes, the receptionist does ask. The client's old site (that I have also worked on - new copy and SEO) is producing results. The only results.

      The two new sites are worthless for the time being.

      Old site ranks very well for denturist + City and dental implants + city.
      New sites rank only for implants + city.

      How can I find out if the traffic quality is the culprit? My client thinks most of the traffic are competitors.

      Gabriel
    • 1. Daniel's not far off at all. When it comes to the traffic being driven. As well as the follow up. Both are integral to success and sales.

      2. In online lead generation, you MUST look at the endeavor as a process. Step-by-step.

      Trust me, business owners don't know the truth. And their staff doesn't care.

      So here's what you do.

      You swap out their phone number on the lead generation webpage for an 1-800 number which YOU control, not them.

      It forwards to their phone number.

      Why would you do this?

      1. The 1-800 online services will give you accurate tracking of how many calls were received, timestamped and forwarded. For your eyes only. As well as how much time was spent on the phone.

      Now, you know. Now you can prove, now you can track conversions to the next step in the process.

      2. Here's the fun part: The calls are recorded and you can download them. So now you can know, exactly, how the leads are being handled by their staff. It's perfectly legal because it's a business, not personal.

      When you're paid on performance like I am, that's a very good thing to have. If you're doing your job and sending leads over every day, the information will humble the business owner. And heads will roll if leads are not being handled appropriately.

      The evidence is irrefutable.

      I've seen situations where the staff lies, rude to the prospect, and says no leads are coming in. They don't know it, but I can prove. And I do.

      I just save up the proof, have it documented and transcribed. And drop it on their desk. Sometimes, I let them hear the actual conversations. And then I tell them, I ain't working on this project anymore until they fix their problem.

      Lead generation is a process. This is the beauty of direct response marketing on the Internet.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: This strategy has an unseen side benefit. If you don't get paid as agreed by the business owner for leads generated, you simply find a competitor in the area and redirect the phone # to them.

      Ain't my first rodeo.

      PPS: I realize this has nothing to do with copywriting. But Daniel brought up some very strong points.
      • [ 4 ] Thanks
  • A huge thanks to all of you... it means a lot. Excellent advice. Rick, I think you are spot on.

    I am looking forward to get cracking on this and to test new versions.

    Have a great weekend!

    Gabriel
  • The advice from others here re copy, video, layout etc. is right on...what I'll do is talk a bit about your headline...Headline is the BIGGEST thing affecting whether people stay on your site more than 3 seconds. Your headline is a good start in that it's targeting BENEFITS which is something a lot of people miss.

    HOWEVER...as I see it, the headline has 2 problems...1) It portrays the benefits in a clinical way rather than an emotional way and 2) It leaves one confused as to how they realize the benefit unless they read further - because there is no 'feature' attached to the benfit(s).

    A headline needs to convey a strong benefit in a powerfully emotional way and at the same time make very clear what the feature is that creates the benefit.

    Ok that all sounds complicated but it isn't...here's a suggested tweaked headline.

    With Our New Painless Technology, You Can Once Again Get Your Teeth Back, Comfortably Chew The Delicious Foods You So Love, and Get Your Winning Smile Back.

    You can further work the headline as needed but it gives you the idea...if the proceedure isn't painless, perhaps you can say virtually painless or the like. With the dentist, PAIN is the number ONE fear by far and needs to be addressed upfront. Also by linking the Feature (New Painless Technology to the Benefits, the prospect immediately understands what's being offered, what problem it solves for them, and it motivates them to read further - "what IS this wonderful new technology of which they speak??)

    A pic of two very professional looking yet caring middle aged dentists with soft reassuring smiles near the headline (as if they were the ones saying it) would be a good addition.

    You can then extend the emotion forward in your stories of other patients...many feel badly about their teeth situation but think they are the ONLY ones that feel that way...seeing that many others feel as they do (that they're NOT alone) is of great reassurance (thus why group therapy is so popular and successful!).

    Also with any headline you should consider a preheadline and / or a subheadline...a good subheadline would be "click on the arrow to play the short informative video below right"..see how the subheadline draws then into the page...traditionally the subheadline draws them from headline to the copy but with new technology, you draw them to the video instead.

    For a pre headline you might actually use the feature (New Painless Technology) and the headline itself being the benefits...OR you can take the emotion UP a notch and use a news headline approach as your prehedline... something emotional like...

    "4 Year Old Timmy Says Grandma Smiles Again Like She Used To!"

    So preheadline/headline/subheadline becomes...
    ==================================
    "4 Year Old Timmy Says Grandma Smiles Again Like She Used To!"

    With Our New Painless Technology, You Can Once Again Get Your Teeth Back, Comfortably Chew The Delicious Foods You So Love, and Get Your Winning Smile Back.

    Click on the arrow to play the short informative video below right
    =================================

    Ultimately this is all aimed at getting the prospect to take an action (the so called "call to action"...take a lesson from all the drug pharmeceutical companies advertising on TV...they encourage you to "discuss with your doctor"..that's a nice soft approach more effective than a hard sell which would scare prospects off...on your opt in page you might have them enter email (to get a free informative ebook or such) but also their 1st name and ph number..a few days later they get a gentle caring phone call..."did you have a chance to read the info? I'm not calling to try to "sell" you on the idea..I just wanted to answer any questions that you have"...see?

    Better, have them enter their SNAIL MAIL address (& ph number) to be mailed a FREE boolklet that explains all (don't say brochure...they thing 'sales brochure' ..."booklet" sounds more 'objective' and has a higher percieved value.

    In both cases have it set up so the ph# is not compulsary so you don't lose people afraid to leave it.

    Hope this helps.
  • Rick,

    One of the most useful and enlightening posts I've ever read on this or any other forum.

    Seriously... thank you.

    -Daniel
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • If you're ranking for implants + city... that might be the reason your traffic isn't converting. Your traffic is probably looking for a different kind of implant!
  • Overall, I think it's a professional site. Just taking a quick look, I noticed a few things.
    Your opt-in form doesn't say anything about why I would want the newsletter or report. What are they about? Why do I need them?

    Rather than just a phone number, why not offer a way to fill in info and get a call back? Why leave the call up to the customer? You can link the free report to a call back. This may be a part of the autoresponder or a larger contact page.

    You may want to work on the fonts a bit, and embolden the benefits.

    I hope this helps, and if you want to go more in depth, let me know how I can assist.
  • I won't waste your time echoing the suggestions above, most of which are excellent. Personally, I viewed the page quickly and immediately bounced away. Why? You didn't ask me to do anything...all I could focus on was that enormous banner directly in the middle of the screen.

    But more importantly (if I stayed on the page):

    On the homepage, this is the first time you ask for the sale:

    "If you have been seeking the best solution to missing teeth and unsightly, uncomfortable dentures, please read on."

    It's below the fold, and all you did is ask me to read on. Not very compelling.

    Based on your copy, this is your chance to sell!

    You don't ever need to say things like "keep reading" or "read on" anyway- the reader can clearly see there's additional text, unless you're on a blog page and using the More tag.

    I would get everything up until the end of that first call to action above the fold. Your copy is already good; it's compelling for certain because I was actually mortified at the list of things that can happen if you don't have the right dentures and was ready to convert at the end of that bullet list. All you need to change is what you actually ask for in that sales line:

    "If you have been seeking the best solution to missing teeth and unsightly, uncomfortable dentures, then click here to take action right now."

    Or

    "......uncomfortable dentures, then click here to get help right now."

    Or whatever SPECIFIC call to action you prefer.

    Then continue as you have already done. You're almost there; some tweaking that shouldn't take very long at all is all that's required.

    On a final note, I wonder if that Captcha is a wise idea. I assume most of your demographic might have difficulty reading/seeing/deciphering that or understanding what to do. Considering that the contact form is where your conversions are, this could be a problem. I feel a little lame because I don't have a suggestion to correct the problem, but maybe some others do....?
    • [2] replies
    • The site is very attractive, and it feels trustworthy to me.

      In terms of the copy, one observation is that I find the writing style just a little too wordy. For example:

      "Are you frustrated with being unable to fully taste your food… or worse yet, be obliged to stay away from the foods you love?"

      could be stated with simpler language, making it more impactful:

      "Are you frustrated because you can't fully taste your food, or have to stay away from the foods you love?"

      It's subtle, but the simpler the wording the better...

      I hope that's helpful.
    • Thank you so much everyone. I am really touched that you all took the time to give me a hand. It's so nice of all of you.

      Your suggestions are worth their weight in gold. It's amazing what a fresh pair of eyes can see.

      I could simply remove it. Which makes me think... my client often gets messages from the contact form, but they are empty. Could it be that not entering the captcha correctly (or at all) will send a blank message to the client?

      Sorry, it is dental implants + city.

      @Rick Excellent idea for the 1-800 number. This crossed my mind but I forgot about it. I already have an 800 number for this client. I can't wait to forward it.

      Gabriel
      • [1] reply
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  • A few thoughts . . .

    * If you have Google Analytics account, do an A/B Split Copy Test to see if people respond better to a different version of the copy. If you see the bounce rate decrease, for example, you'll know that you're getting people more interested in your new copy tweaks.

    * If you test a different set of headlines, try a version that shouts-out the BENEFITS. Example: "Look Younger & Gain the Confidence to Start SMILING WIDE Again In 4 Weeks. Get PERFECT-fitting Dental Implants by Montreal's Best Oral Surgeon."

    * I like your bullet-points. But also try a version that doesn't jump so quickly into the bullets. Add a *real* paragraph before the bullets, a humanized conversation such as: "I've treated hundreds of patients who came to me expecting a miracle. And that's exactly what I specialize in: giving hope to those who've lost it. I can fix your smile, too. If you've been suffering with the following challenges, I can help you... Are you: [bullet list].

    * If your target is an older, senior-age person, your font is too small to read. Many vision-challenged people would click away, frustrated. Some may even think you *couldn't* be right for them, if you aren't already sensitized to the fact that they lost good vision at the same time they lost good teeth. (Note: your top competitor for that keyword has a font size that's even smaller than yours, so take advantage of now knowing how to grab some of their traffic.

    * Also, on your Home page meta title, you could a) add a 2nd keyword to pull additional Google traffic and b) consider making your meta title also announce a distinction or benefit. Example: "Montreal Dental Implants by Affordable Oral Surgeon"

    * Is it possible to place Before & After photos somewhere? You might not have to show patients' entire face & expose their identify. But this, in addition to some testimonials, might convince more people this dentist is worth at least a call. This could even be a rotating "Before & After" photo gallery in the sidebar.

    * Consider changing your call to action. Instead of making people feel locked into an appointment, try having them "Call for a FREE Consultation." (I'm talking where you have the phone # in the upper-right.)

    * The amount of traffic you're getting may not be as great as you think. Consider increasing your traffic (and hence, potential for phone calls) by:
    >> Building 2 or 3 additional keywords into your site(s),
    >> Implementing an article marketing campaign to overtake your top competitor,
    >> Building some mini-sites (e.g., Squidoo, Weebly, Freewebs) using keywords.

    * The blog isn't current. So you're missing key opportunities to draw more traffic from other, related (LSI) keywords. You're also missing lots more opportunities to "sell" the doctor's expertise when you only have about 3 blog entries since Sept. 2010.

    Keep us posted on your progress. Good luck!
  • Hi Gabriel,

    Here are the flaws in the copy:

    1. Your headline isn't captivating. Try with a different PERSUASIVE headline. Also use a subheading...

    2. Your copy needs to be formatted with colors, font size, etc.

    3. Add PERSUASIVE postscripts... at least 3.

    Hope that helps.
    - amag
    Professional Freelance Copywriter - Sales Copy Specialist
  • There may be a lot of issues. In my browser the page layout and
    spacing is weak. Text is spindly and hard to read (bad if you're
    targeting older people - they like big text).

    What leaped out at me though is that while you tout the benefits
    of the dental implants, you didn't do much to address fears and
    reluctance as they come up in the reader's mind.

    Without thinking too deeply I could come up with about 10 fear-based
    concerns any prospect might have: pain, recovery time, cost, and
    so forth - those fears would be expressed in any number of different
    ways.

    Lastly, you close in a way that may appeal to engineer and accountant
    types (just tell me the numbers) but will likely leave the other
    personalities very cold indeed. There are several personality
    theories about selling but the one that types human personalities
    in 4 color groups is a good one to start with learning.

    This is based on a 1-minute examination of the letter. Beyond these
    issues there will be room for improvement in other areas.

    The key thing, most of the time, is to figure out the emotional
    core of the appeal and write in such a way to intensify the feelings
    of the reader and then offer relief from the anxiety you've
    brought up at the end.
  • I see the copy is in a hard sell style-- it does not make sense and does not build enough trust immediately-- it makes me ask, " why should I continue looking at this dentist if he is going to hard sell me the entire time? Is he going to do this to me in the office?"

    Put the Dentist at the top, not the bottom. You associate trust with an image, in this case, Mr. Dentist.

    Do a A/B split test on the font. It is an unmarvelous thing on my screen. It comes out small, too close together, and too light to read. You feeling what I'm saying? Now imagine an older couple, 50 years of age, reading. They will not even have the patience.

    Anyhow, great so far keep it up, you'll do well.
  • If you're target market is older people, then the light blue headers on white is a problem. It is difficult to read. Make them dark and bigger.
  • Hi biggoogle,

    Some great suggestions already here on the copywriting front so I'm not going to go elaborate too much on this.

    Overall, I just think the user is given far too much to think about and it needs to be "simplified."

    I agree with what others have mentioned as well in regards to your copy but it's all about building your list right?

    So in regards to your opt in form:
    - I'd be inclined to install a plugin like wordpress domination. Clean, slick and it works . You give the user 2 choices - they either opt in to your very "valuable offer" or they don't (close the box).
    - You could even be cheeky and get a second crack at them by installing something like ultimate footer ad (in the footer area).

    Then split test your conversions!

    Goodluck!
    • [1] reply
    • Thanks again for all your help everyone. It means a lot.

      Your suggestions are great.

      I have started making some of the changes, but on the French version of the site. This site gets a LOT more traffic than the English one, so I can determine if the changes have a positive impact much quicker.

      Implants Dentaires Montreal

      Text is darker, font bigger, changed headline, added picture of my client plus a video and a contact form. I shortend the copy and removed the right part of the page so there will be less distractions.

      If things don't improve with the above changes and the other edits I'll be making as per your suggestions, I'll probably put the menu below the header image, and change the header image altogether. I may even remove it altogether as it pushes the headline down.

      I go over those specific questions on the ''About Implants'' page and in the report.

      Implants with crowns look and feel like regular teeth. Ordinary people can't see the difference.

      My client can't use testimonials. It is against the rules here.

      I cut down a lot on the copy. See French site for now. My English is not very good. What specifically do you mean by ''too over the top''? Like I am trying too hard?

      Recurring keywords people use:

      dental implants
      dental implants Montreal
      dental implants Montreal price
      dental implants Montreal cost
      facial implants Montreal
      implants Montreal
      dentures vs. implants Montreal

      I Googled "shoemoney local advertising" but didn't find anything about a dentist.

      Yeah, I agree. I am softening the copy up.

      Thanks again!

      Gabriel
  • My advice is purely practical ... hire one of the copywriters above.
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