Critique Sales Letter For My First Product.

Hi there,

It's a good looking letter for a first attempt, but I've got a few quick pointers which should help you out.

First of all, with the headline, I'd scrap the word FACT, and go with WARNING: instead. I'd also condense it so the whole thing is one snappy headline, so you can push the reader down into the lead copy sooner.

A quick example might be something like "WARNING: Store Bought Cat Food Is Harming Your Cat..."

and then a subhead something like "Pet Food Manufacturers Do NOT Want You To Know The Secrets I'm About To Reveal To You"

That's just a quick example, but I'm sure you see what I mean.

Have you done any split testing? You may find you get better overrall conversions if you pull the optin box out of the copy and have it as some kind of flyin instead. This will probably boost your optin rate also.

Regarding your benefits and bullet points, I would consider the way they are formatted. As it is, much of the text is jumbled together. This is going to cause difficulty for many readers, so they simply won't bother. Try putting a space between each bullet point to make it a little easier on the eye.

Lastly, you're missing out on some of the most valuable real estate on any web based sales letter...the PS at the end. This is the 2nd most viewed area of your page, right after the headline, so it makes sense to take advantage of that by putting a couple of hard hitting PSes in their to really punch home those benefits.

I hope that's useful for you, good luck with it.

David

1. Urgent letter to anyone who loves cats
2. your header is missing curiosity. something like: are you harming your cat without even knowing it?
3. from the desk of allen as i watch mittens eat his dinner,
4. Dear Fellow Feline Friend,
5. i can't believe how much has happened this year. i've had my cat forever, but i just recently learned how to really take care of him. for years i have been feeding him food that may have harmed him. when i learned of my mistake i was initially very happy. now he would get what was best for him. but then i felt so sad. all this time my best friend had been depending on me to give him the best and i'd let him down. i resolved right then and there that although i couldn't go back, i'd never let him down again and i'd let as many people as i could do the same for their best friends. learn from my mistakes. the price of learning from your own could be too high.
6. you say it may be too late, then you say its not too late, then you say you must act soon.
7. you say spot it before its too late but when you spot it its too late
8. asking for cat's name may be too personal
9. refer to cat as friend sometimes
10. blanket statement that (all) commercial cat food is bad, alienates me. i need to feel that some easily accessible cat food is good for my cat.
11. say veternarian not vets, you need the authority angle
12. if you can, use actual quotes where you have all the female experts.
13. a few male experts thrown in there wouldn't hurt
14. safe and secure, not secure and safe
15. too many youtube videos
16. maybe play up the cannibalism angle
17. may be priced too low, are you sure its only worth $10? 15? you're offering a lot. maybe keep it low and warn that increase is imminent.
18. ecovers look good
19. little girl is adorable. she makes it seem like you truly care and that i should trust you. I'll have to remember that for my next product. i don't think a kid would work on the one I'm working on now.
20. ok thats it for me. fyi: I just finished up my first sales page, so remember that when you read my suggestions.

Okay you have MY attention because the cat you use looks very much like one of my three fur babies. So that grabbed me right away. I'd suggest adding more cats to the graphics -- so that someone with an orange cat or a black cat or a white cat would see one that looks like theirs and think right away "this could help MY cat"

Your copy could start with something like "Are you killing your cat without knowing it?" Something that is startling and really gets them to look.

The different sizes of text in the beginning are a little awkward. Try making them more similar so they are easier to read.

Also this phrase: Discover The Deadly Secrets The Cat Food
Manufacturers Have Been Hiding From You And
Learn How You Can Prevent Crushing Disease And
Illness In Your Cat For Less Than $10.

I'd suggest changing it to something like "For less than $10....discover the deadly secrets....(then go on with the copy)"

You describe yourself as a "Cat Expert" but I've never seen this on a business card. If you are not a veternarian or have any professional credentials -- why not talk about your love of cats? Try something a little more emotional like Cat Lover and Owner of 2 Cats for 10 Years. It sounds more sentimental. Then add in a paragraph about how much you love your cats and you went searching for answers....people will relate to that.

Great ideas!

Abby

Hi Bob - fine looking sales page... I agree w/ not using FACT as the headline unless u want to shrink that & prune it & use as a sub head- I like "Are YOU making this mistake Deadly mistake with YOUR CAT FOOD?..."

also alternate BF type and plain type in your bullets -- get some vet testimonials and put the on them side.

GOOD luck...