I need some feedback on my first salespage

16 replies
I just finished it and I'm looking for any comments. Thanks everyone.
site address in signature
#feedback #salespage
  • Profile picture of the author Zeal4Life
    The page needs work in the following areas:

    1. Headline - needs to be more compelling (visit sites that offer this service to get an idea of what your headline should look like)

    2. Text needs to be Left aligned

    3. Try using Sans Serif for Font Type and 10 or 11 for Font Size

    4. Sales letter - Quite a lot of work needed here... Not even sure where to start. How about talking to your prospects like people that you'd like to share valuable information with versus sounding like you're talking AT THEM.

    Visit The Gary Halbert Letter and other resources on this site for copywriting help.


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  • Profile picture of the author Rob Canyon

    How does it compare to your competition's sales letter pages...

    Looking at what others are doing in your niche regarding, headers, footers,
    artwork, layout, fonts and readability should help you with revisions.


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  • Profile picture of the author stanwyck
    Thanks guys. I'm on it.
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  • Profile picture of the author FitJerk
    I love ripping sales pages. My harsh comments mean well so I hope I don't offend you. And listen to Rob, hes great.

    Hey Rob =)

    On with the Sales Page Rape:

    1. I don't see your USP (Unique Sales Proposition). After stating that little fact of how credit reports contain errors etc.. you don't say how if i spend 1 more second on your site you will fix my problem.

    2. YELLOW ON WHITE?!!! what are you thinking... it hurts my eyes. I want to leave!

    3. ... But I'll stay for your sake. There is something very amateurish about your page I think it's that font... change it. Second, fix the spacing. And also... stop using big bold letters everywhere. Your normal sales letter should be normal 12 point font, use colors and bold letters where you need to emphasize important shit.


    ...HUH? How do I know what information on my credit report is negative or even Incorrect? Just because you said there are 79% errors or whatever doesn't make it easier for me to find those errors. get what I'm saying?

    4. Who the hell are you to give me credit report advice? You need to establish credibility somehow. Are your certified? Are you a money manager? Do you have proof of what you do? You need to give me a reason to believe you.

    5. Correct me if Im wrong here... but I don't see any sort of guarantee. If I buy your shit, how do I know I can trust you. What if my credit report still sucks after applying your... methods of what ever they may be? You need to offer this.

    ... and I can go on a bit more. You need to re-write this copy page. Don't get rid of everything, there are some good points in there, but it needs to be refined and compelling.

    Hope I didn't hurt your feelings. But it's for the greater good.

    That's all for now. Good luck my friend =)
    [FJ's Hidden Gem] - This Transforms Warriors Into Assassins!
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  • Profile picture of the author stanwyck
    Hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
    Feelings? What are those? Seriously though, I appreciate the advice. I've added some changes and I'll keep working on it. Thanks again for the feedback.
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  • Profile picture of the author stanwyck
    I made some changes and I need to know what you guys think. Thanks again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob Canyon

    Looking good... Here's a suggestion on a different headline.

    How to Get Your FICO Credit Score Above 700
    in 30 Days or Less... No Matter What Your Current Finances.

    Secret Credit Repair Tactics to Beat Bankers at Their Game... TODAY.

    Keep up the good work.


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  • Profile picture of the author stanwyck
    Thanks, Rob. I'll work on the headline.
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  • Profile picture of the author ikarus
    Just make sure you take a look at a lot of other people's sales pages to get an understanding. Everything that people put in their is there for a reason, such as word phrasing, anecdotes, to even font color, size etc. Use their marketting tactics and you should be good.

    On your headers make sure you capitlize the first letter on each word, it appears more pleasing.
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  • Profile picture of the author stanwyck
    I updated the headline. Also, I've been reading Fortin's blog and will be reworking the copy. I'll post when I'm done. Thanks for looking everyone and thanks for the advice.
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    • Profile picture of the author Rob Canyon

      Looking better.

      Be careful about saying 'your bad credit' if a lot of your target market
      doesn't yet believe their credit is bad in their minds, they'll not appreciate
      someone telling them it is and instead go somewhere else.

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  • Profile picture of the author stanwyck
    Done. Thanks. Back to working on the copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author RedPhoenix
    Hi Stan,

    As the headline is the foundation upon which a sales letter either succeeds or fails. (about 90% of the time.) You may consider emphasizing the main postive benefit that a potential customer would get from your product. As Rob pointed out using the negative "BAD" to often may well put some readers off & lose you sales.

    Ted Nicholas told me at a seminar that he spends up to 3 days developing his headlines. As he has sold almost $6 billion of various products its advice worth following.

    Hope your reworking goes well.

    "Excellence is not an event it's a habit" - Aristotle 384 BC
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  • Profile picture of the author absolutelee
    Hi! I just read the sales letter. The headline still needs simplifying. That's more of a subheadline that you have. Also, the text is too dense. You're talking to much and not getting to the benefits enough. You need to strip the text down to the bare essentials. When I read a sales letter online, even if it's something I'm very interested in, I skim...a lot! So, make the subheads and section titles tell the story.

    Hope that helps.

    Also, I don't necessarily agree with looking at your competition's sales letters. Most sales letters online are pretty lame. Take a look at one of John Carlton's letters. Just Google John Carlton, go to his blog, and find a sales letter. You can transfer a lot from him.

    (at least that's what I do.)
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    • Profile picture of the author FitJerk
      Lol now you made your sub headings the same size as your text... make the sub headings bigger.

      A lot of people scan through long sales pages and your sub headings should snatch their attention right away.

      Also your head line is looking better but still needs a bit more polish.

      "Discover the secret to fixing bad credit and beating them at their own game"

      ... Beating WHO? Their moms?

      Try this instead:

      "Discover the secret to fixing bad credit and beating the creditors at their own game"

      Now THAT is something that might catch my attention if my credit was something I was worried about.

      And one more thing... keep at it bro, don't stop writing. It's a skill that takes fine-tuning and needs to be practiced and honed.

      Good luck
      [FJ's Hidden Gem] - This Transforms Warriors Into Assassins!
      [FitJerk's Blog] - Fitness Tips So Effective, They Should Be Illegal!
      [Opt-In Manual] - How I Exploded My Opt-Ins by 200%! FREE Report, No Email Needed!
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  • Profile picture of the author stanwyck
    The site is up and running. Thank you everyone for the advice.
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