Not targeted enough... and your bullet points are weak. There's no USP, unfortunately your page is just like the rest of them.

1) Target a more specific audience
2) Minimal equipment? How minimal? What kind of equipment?
3) Do you have what it takes? I don't know because you never told me anything?

Do you see the problems I mentioned above?

I think the actual design needs reworking itself, not necessarily the content other than what Mike Hill said. It doesn't look very professional (especially the shadows on the books).

When I was a younger man I trained hard and owned my own gym. I would like to see a gun arm or something ie similar to flex etc, HD even, Just a Snippet. Your niche market is health/fitness. Where/ how do you promote? Are you promoting to a list for example or a general audience. I would need to see more to Optin, if you are fit why not a personal image? Also what is the content of the news letter?

For your first try I think it looks decent just tweek it out a little bit

When a pop up comes out in front of your screen.... where do your eyeballs fly to first?

The image, or the text?

Do something more attention captivating.
Why do you think tabloids show people crying and use flashy text?

Well, of course the text is also important, but it has to push the right buttons and create a sense of strong curiosity. Otherwise, it'll just become one of those normal annoying popups visitors won't hesitate to close.

You have a wonderful story about how you got to this point.

That's a great place to start from when you're working on your copy.

Something along the lines "I used to be one of the 'fat guys' until..." sort of stuff.

Let's look at this from a business stand point i.e. how it will bring you money.

Now, forget for 5 minutes about what you want.

Think for a minute about what the guys in your target market mostly want.

Here is a clue: they are not much different from the guys who stand around, talking on cell phones in the gyms.

You see you are living their dream. They want to imagine they can be like you.

No matter what you do, most of them will not apply what you teach, that's the nature of this business.

The key here is: they won't buy anything unless they like you and your story. So make sure you get that bit right.

As far as the opt-in is concerned, you need to show them a revolutionary method that brings them instant results.

Something they can do 5 minutes a day and see results, like, tomorrow (or in a week, or something)

On the other hand, if you want to go for hard core exercise fans, keep the story (so they connect with you) and show them the hard stuff that almost kills them. You get the idea.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: Dig out your old pictures in which you are absolutely down, feeling unattractive, etc.

Then find newer pictures in which you are looking OK, much better than before, not George Clooney but slightly above average.

Make sure that gets in there somewhere.
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Hmm... I haven't really seen before and after videos,but in the modern age that's possible. <-just a thought

Now we're getting somewhere. What was the single most humiliating or embarrassing thing you remember about being the fat guy in gym?

Describe it - painfully.

BUT THEN SOMETHING MIRACULOUS HAPPENED...

Interesting.. tactical fitness and weight loss secrets, developed and perfected with military precision to get maximum results in minimal time.

How do you take a doughy schlub who can't even do one chin-up when he enlists and transform his body into a lean, strong warrior's physique quickly, reliably and PERMANENTLY?

The military knows... you know... and soon, THEY will know.

AHA - a massive almost conspiratorial flaw in traditional gyms - they're meat markets for singles looking to get laid, not places for folks trying to get in shape!

If you're out of shape, it's the LAST place you want to go... to get humiliated, embarrassed, self-concious... and to pay a fortune for the privilige...

SCREW THAT!

Now, here's what's changed... what's different now... what's possible now:

Describe how you can get amazing results with simple, inexpensive - even FREE stuff at home that works as well or BETTER than the gym... and why.

Based on the proven fat-melting, lean strong muscle building fitness science developed by the military...

But you wanted MORE... you wanted to be certain that there wasn't ANYTHING you'd be missing out on by working out at home, instead of the "Hook-Up Central" gym.

Maybe the personal trainers there knew something you didn't...

So that's why...

Do you see how your hook develops and your story unfolds in a powerful and persuasive way using what's TRUE about you?

Thanks for the honest feedback guys. I'm going to rework the entire thing.

Hey there,

Some good overall suggestions but if it's OK i'm going to suggest a few general copy/opt in box suggestions to get the ball rolling...

1) Would change "Ultimate Home Workout" to "The Ultimate Home Workout" - "The" is much more definitive and really implies that this is the one....the defining....ultimate could be just another....any other in fact...

2) Change your opt in box colour to a green = go (just like a traffic light). You could have a flat green or even a red opt in box that "flashes" to green when the user hovers over it.

3) Change the wording in the opt in box. It's a very poor call to action in terms of wording (not very strong at all).

You should be using words like:
Claim it Now! >>
Get it Now! >>

p.s the ">>" is not a typo but actually icons you can use at the end of your wording in your opt in box (it's an indication of more and compelling when you have a green opt in box and these signals)
i.e. green = go
i.e. >> = more

Anyway that's all my tips for today!

Take the minimal equipment point and run with it. That's your USP. If people know your book isn't going to require them to go through the effort of hauling themselves to the gym or buying a bunch of home equipment, you'll stand out.

I'd find a picture of a great but attainable physique to use somewhere on the page. Maybe you'd need more than one sales page depending on your target audiences - one with a toned woman, one with a trim man or a muscular man?

In my experience, if you're targetting joe or jane average with fitness stuff, the important points are the results you're promising, the time period, and the time investment required.

It's the perfect time of year to be doing this - "Get abs by summer!" for example.

I also feel that your bullets point are weak. They must be more concrete. It will be better for you if you either check out pro sales page or take the help from the experts.

The design is really good. The wording needs work. Stop asking questions. If you ask a question a large number of people will say "no" in their mind, and that's not even including the significant portion of the population that is contrarian by nature.