Can You Offer Me Your Critic?

13 replies
Hey guys and gals.

I'm looking for a bit of assistance on a sales page that I'm creating. Please take a peek and tell me what you think. Just be for warned that the video is not yet completed. But I'd love to hear your expert opinion on the written sales page.

Thanks ahead of time!


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#critic #offer
  • Profile picture of the author Phil Halloran
    It looks like a normal sales page...meh...

    Maybe I'm the only one getting bored looking at internet infomercials, but would people change it up a bit? The whole centered & you have to scroll down 10 minutes turns me off.

    It's not what you know, it's who you know.

    Stop thinking only about helping yourself achieve your goals, and start thinking helping others help you achieve your collective goals.

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    • Profile picture of the author fthomas137
      Originally Posted by Phil Halloran View Post

      It looks like a normal sales page...meh...

      Maybe I'm the only one getting bored looking at internet infomercials, but would people change it up a bit? The whole centered & you have to scroll down 10 minutes turns me off.
      Thanks for your critic. Much appreciated. But I do find that long copy still works. It is getting a bit old, but I know when I'm spending money I enjoy reading as much as possible.

      I'm hoping that the video on top will reduce the need for those who just want to watch the video to do so and end up with the same objective.


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    • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
      Originally Posted by Phil Halloran View Post

      ... The whole centered & you have to scroll down 10 minutes turns me off...
      Well, I think if anything it's not long enough. What I mean is, there isn't enough to convince the average buyer.

      Here is what I would do.

      I would definitely cut out the first 2-3 page,or so, and rewrite them - too much fluff in there.

      The copy gets better shortly before you get to the bullets.

      Now, you are forgetting about your competition. So your copy is too "gentle".

      You need to start right away with what your prospect wants to hear. Which is (considering your market) make a whole bunch of money doing nothing.

      So your headline needs to tell them exactly how closely your product gets them to that goal.

      You mention something about 25 minutes work - that's a long time for someone in your target market.

      How about this: "I did this in 5 minute chunks during the commercial breaks watching a couple of episodes of 'Lost'" . It's a rough one but you get the idea.

      Think in terms of results by doing almost nothing.

      The traffic stuff is all right but not good enough. How much traffic? #6 is not all that appealing. It could be one of the things you get but not the main thing.

      I'm not sure if I should say this but I will: most of the guys (not all) who will buy this bot are too lazy to use it anyway. They will probably run it once or twice and move on to the next big thing.

      This doesn't mean you should create an inferior product.

      The thing is, as easy as your solution seems, it's still too hard, too much work. Their attention span is not that long.

      So break it down some more.

      Bottom line: make sure that your product works because of the few people who will actually use it. Then break it down into small chunks, and infuse it with tangible things they get to do, such as watching TV, buying a new TV, spending time with a new girlfriend blah,blah, blah.
      "Those who can - DO IT. Those who can't, say it's impossible."
      Jean Paul a.k.a AdwordsMogul - Top of the range PHP developers

      Easy Link Saver - Are you tired of the pain of constantly searching for your affiliate links? ( Chrome extension - FREE )
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  • Profile picture of the author Carol_A
    I am an average viewer (not a copywriter), but I think it is clean and well done. I would increase the size of the headline and take the side arrows off, possibly putting an arrow above the video pointing down so as to streamline and bring the eye downward. Two side arrows are confusing in my opinion.

    I think highlighting is tacky looking and would use other ways to make text stand out....again, just a preference.

    The length is okay; did I read the whole thing? No. I am more of a video person, myself.
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  • Profile picture of the author peejaydee
    For me (personal opinions), it took too long for the bullet points to appear and when they did I didn't really see them as being benefits - stick like crazy glue? Not really sure what you mean by that.
    I would have hoped to see more concise bullets - one line each - telling me what the product does and what the benefits to me are. I don't read copy, I cut to bullets - always. I'm not alone.
    Lastly, I went straight to the bottom to see the price and at 50 bucks, in a real selling situation, I wouldn't have bothered reading the copy at all. The price point seems all wrong. Had it been $9.99, then I'd be interested. These type of products need to cost spare change as people buy them with the knowledge that there's a possibility of actually getting a good tool but likely that it'll be a pup (no offence intended - just a generalisation).
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  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    First impression is, it has very little real emotion in it. To compensate for it, there's hype, highlight, and all kinds of tricks. The copy itself is rather bland. You need some word power, storytelling and especially some sense of structure there. It doesn't really flow very well, so studying some well-performing letters for clues to structure would probably benefit you a lot in about 30 minutes.

    The headlines are good examples of this: short, bland, and a little confusing (page one success...? took me a minute to figure out what that means because you didn't set the stage for it first).

    In short, the letter is just disjointed. Really gather up all you got, the benefits, the product positioning, the offer you're making... and create a unifying story to tie it all together. Then you can expect sales instead of mere curiosity.

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  • Profile picture of the author MaineCoon
    Let me tell you what I like first. The money back box.

    The site is too narrow. make it a bit wider so it will fix the scroll problem people are talking about. I would want MORE information about the product then less so don't remove important info about your product just so people can scroll less.

    If they are too lazy to scroll, they are probably too lazy to checkout and type their billing info.

    I don't like the graphics, it looks a bit "old school" lol, it makes the product like "an old product", outdated.

    Go here to look for some free icon or graphics to use.

    BLUE VERTIGO | Web Design Resources Links | Last update APR.25.2011

    Hope it helps =)
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  • Profile picture of the author fthomas137
    Thanks all for your constructive comments! I was hesitant to post here but I'm glad I did!

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  • Profile picture of the author JasonParker
    My gut says your headline looks more like bragging than about the prospect.

    And the reason I say that is because usually there's a curiosity element with that approach.

    Without that element it just looks like you're saying 2 guys get top rankings... Good for those jerks. Lol... That's what I can see readers thinking anyway.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline is plain, not a grabber at all. People don't much care what two entrepreneurs have learned. They want to know what you have for THEM. Then it says, to page one success.

    Okay, we're up to our eyeballs in IM stuff all day long so page one actually means something to us. But that's not going to be the case out in the real world. Take a look at some of the basic questions you find on the main forum from newbies and unseasoned marketers. You can't assume anything. Tell them "page one" of whatever it is you're talking about.

    If it's Google, then put that in there. I actually scanned the entire page before coming back to the headline to try and figure out what you guys had. I left without knowing because in the real world I wouldn't bother to try and figure it out.

    And, don't count on your video to do it all for you. Videos are getting more and more common and a lot of them flat out suck. They're a waste of time. That means lots of people won't bother to click on a video unless there's something in the copy compelling enough to make them want to.

    On the bright side, the page is clean and looks professional. But you've got some work to do to make people want to dig in and dig it. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim Dini
    Hello Frank,

    I'm not a copywriter, but like most everyone on the Warrior Forum, I've read tons of copy. To me, you seem to have covered all of the sales points, and have a clearly defined answer to a common problem. That's great.

    But I'm unmoved by the emotion, or lack there of, and it reads like so many others:

    - I was struggling
    - I found a solution
    - There's no risk

    It doesn't 'stand out' as being something different from all the rest.

    Just a non-expert opinion.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    It is quite "bland" as others have put it... there is no emotion and nothing that really grabs my attention.

    Work on aggravating the pain of having no traffic, and building backlinks painfully slow with blog commenting (which costs time and money, and often has little results)... then introduce your product as the solution. You should also have some screenshots and illustrate how easy it is to use the software (put an ecover where the screenshot of the program is instead, and have screenshots inside the program later). Show your results using the program.

    Work on your headline and subheadlines, and use a more effective scarcity tactic. Have a set date for it. Just saying you might raise the price at any time is played out.

    And the colors splashed out all over the page doesn't help... you have light blue, dark blue, red, a random image, yellow highlighting, a green buy button... it all looks slapped together which I'm sure wasn't your intention.

    It's not terrible, but it does need some work.

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