Can You Offer Me Your Critic?

Thanks for your critic. Much appreciated. But I do find that long copy still works. It is getting a bit old, but I know when I'm spending money I enjoy reading as much as possible.

I'm hoping that the video on top will reduce the need for those who just want to watch the video to do so and end up with the same objective.

Thanks!

Frank

Well, I think if anything it's not long enough. What I mean is, there isn't enough to convince the average buyer.

Here is what I would do.

I would definitely cut out the first 2-3 page,or so, and rewrite them - too much fluff in there.

The copy gets better shortly before you get to the bullets.

Now, you are forgetting about your competition. So your copy is too "gentle".

You need to start right away with what your prospect wants to hear. Which is (considering your market) make a whole bunch of money doing nothing.

So your headline needs to tell them exactly how closely your product gets them to that goal.

You mention something about 25 minutes work - that's a long time for someone in your target market.

How about this: "I did this in 5 minute chunks during the commercial breaks watching a couple of episodes of 'Lost'" . It's a rough one but you get the idea.

Think in terms of results by doing almost nothing.

The traffic stuff is all right but not good enough. How much traffic? #6 is not all that appealing. It could be one of the things you get but not the main thing.

I'm not sure if I should say this but I will: most of the guys (not all) who will buy this bot are too lazy to use it anyway. They will probably run it once or twice and move on to the next big thing.

This doesn't mean you should create an inferior product.

The thing is, as easy as your solution seems, it's still too hard, too much work. Their attention span is not that long.

So break it down some more.

Bottom line: make sure that your product works because of the few people who will actually use it. Then break it down into small chunks, and infuse it with tangible things they get to do, such as watching TV, buying a new TV, spending time with a new girlfriend blah,blah, blah.

I agree with jtunkelo.

The whole thing appears to lack the captivation factor. This might be a little off-topic, but the layout itself feels very disconnected with the reader. You can try to spice up the copy using colors like red or headlines that inject curiosity.

Many good copywriters out there do the first very thing before everything else: Grab attention. How do they do that? They do it in many ways. They might build rapport, they might introduce a mystery, urging the reader to read on through the long copy.

Take a look at any of John Calton's swipe pages, and you'll immediately see the difference.

I'm not saying it's necessary to have a sob story, or some tragic story to make your copy seem more personal and humane, it just seems like emotion is lacking in the copy. You'll notice that many big gurus out there often use stuff like... "I was a poor bla bla bla... and I found out...". Something along those lines so that you'll understand what I mean.