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Can Some Copywriter Check our WSO and Critique ?

by John Durham
5 replies
Warrior Allstars
#check #copy #critique #kim #mega #pro #writing #wso
  • Profile picture of the author TimCastleman
    John -

    Is there anything particular you're looking for?

    Tim
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    I'm sorry to say that this sales letter is not great...

    And it's not about making things pop or colors or fonts.

    Quickly, here's how it appears to me:

    The offer/appeal is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

    Doesn't clearly communicate the life or death importance of the promotion.

    Presupposes that everyone knows KimW, and why they should feel compelled to participate on his behalf.

    Overall tone is too greedy, not at all congruent with a fundraiser.

    Be more direct in language and positioning - lay off the jet-propelled adjectives.

    Appeal to folks to really FEEL for one of their own in a deadly predicament.

    Explain/illustrate exactly how the funds will be handled/distributed/used.

    Is there a FB campaign connected/coordinated yet? Do one.

    Hope that helps and wish you guys great success with it.

    Brian
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    Brian McLeod
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    • Profile picture of the author Warrior AllStars
      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      I'm sorry to say that this sales letter is not great...

      And it's not about making things pop or colors or fonts.

      Quickly, here's how it appears to me:

      The offer/appeal is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

      Doesn't clearly communicate the life or death importance of the promotion.

      Presupposes that everyone knows KimW, and why they should feel compelled to participate on his behalf.

      Overall tone is too greedy, not at all congruent with a fundraiser.

      Be more direct in language and positioning - lay off the jet-propelled adjectives.

      Appeal to folks to really FEEL for one of their own in a deadly predicament.

      Explain/illustrate exactly how the funds will be handled/distributed/used.

      Is there a FB campaign connected/coordinated yet? Do one.

      Hope that helps and wish you guys great success with it.

      Brian
      Hey Bryan is this any better....you have to scrol down to see the difference really, but if you like it I will try it for the web page.

      let it be said that your dvice was not taken for granted:

      http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...ml#post3797877
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  • Profile picture of the author Warrior AllStars
    Wow Thanks Brian,

    Excellent. We were intentionally going with the thought that perhaps people were more money motivated than charity motivated.

    A good Warrior Heeds sound advice... Lets take this back to the drawing board a bit and get down to the organic core of what it is and bring that out...

    I see what you are saying. Thank you.

    That the aggressiveness is at about a 10 and it needs to be at a 3.

    On another note:

    In the music business they say a rowdy guy like Travis Tritt gets a deal because he looks like a rebel, acts like a rebal, sings like a rebal, drinks cusses and fights like a rebel, and dresses like one... he doesnt leave anybody scratching their heads about his message.

    ...and so he delivers a clear message. All of the elements come together and say one thing.


    Okay... got the answer.

    Ps. Dont be sorry to say it. Thats what the OP asked. Thank you for donating your expertise here.
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