What is wrong with this short copy?

by 22 replies
26
Hi guys. I need to re-write this. It's a short piece that leads to a sales page. I just need some guidance. Thanks.

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Why Is Pregnancy Miracle The Best Selling Infertility Cure Book In Internet History, With Thousands Of Satisfied (And Now Proud Mothers) Women In 127 Countries Worldwide?






Thousands of women of almost every age have completely reversed any infertility issues they had and got pregnant naturally, without drugs, risky surgery or "magic potions" simply by using the clinically proven, scientifically-accurate step by step method found inside this amazing Pregnancy guidebook.


Lisa Olson, a certified nutritionist, health consultant and author has not just pumped out yet another "pregnancy program" into an already over-saturated market. Lisa's Pregnancy Miracle can be more accurately described as an "Pregnancy Bible." It is quite simply one of the most comprehensive, complete, and precise guides to infertility freedom you will ever read. What makes it so much different than other pregnancy publications on the market?


Well first of all, it's not just a "infertility help" program, it's an infertility cure program. This may seem like semantics or wordplay at first, but once you've read just the first chapters, there will be no doubt in your mind that pursuing "help with your pregnancy" is not only the wrong goal, it may be the reason that you've failed to get pregnant until now. Pregnancy Miracle shows you exactly why you should fix the internal problem that's hindering your chances of getting pregnant and then goes on to show you exactly how to do it.


Secondly, what makes Pregnancy Miracle different is the amount of attention that is paid to each and every element required to get pregnant the natural way. Pregnancy Miracle not only thoroughly discusses the lies, myths and fallacies surrounding a very confusing subject, it is simply the most detailed book about pregnancy and infertility, Chinese Medicine and holistic health ever written.


The Pregnancy Miracle book is quite extensive (250 pages of rock solid content) which focuses on 100% natural method for getting pregnant quickly. That means there aren't recommendations for harsh prescription drugs or surgeries with nasty side effects. In Pregnancy Miracle core formula section (The 3 step system) - Nothing is held back. In this section, Lisa gives a detailed overview of each step, and then dives into the specifics in a perfect chronological order. There are also outstanding charts and checklists which make it very easy to know where you are at in the program and follow it.


Because the Pregnancy Miracle program is not a quick fix 'fairy tale' cure but a complete holistic solution aimed at eliminating the root cause of fertility problems(regardless of your age) and ensure your will get pregnant quickly, it does take work and persistence to complete. "The dictionary is the only place success comes before work" says Lisa, as she emphasizes the "no quick fix" philosophy behind the entire book.


If there is any drawback to the Pregnancy Miracle ebook, it's that it contains so much information, that some readers may find it a bit overwhelming. Those who are looking for a quick start type of pregnancy program, might be a bit intimated at first. The good part however, is that even these types of readers can feel confident and assured that it will be worth the effort because this will literally be the last book they ever have to buy on the subject.


Who will benefit most from Pregnancy Miracle?


In the broadest sense, anyone and everyone who wants to get pregnant naturally and regain their natural inner balance will benefit from Pregnancy Miracle. This ebook is honestly for everyone. Even women without fertility issues. This is a total health rejuvenation program better than 98% of the nutrition and alternative health books on the market. In fact, the advice in this ebook is guaranteed to help you with any other health condition you might have, especially if you suffer from hormonal disorders, digestive problems, insulin related disorders, allergies and acne.


In terms of graphic design, Pregnancy Miracle is a clean and professionally formatted PDF e-book. It is well organized and ideal for printing and reading in the comfort of your own home.


This impressive and unique publication has changed many lives and the hundreds of inspiring testimonials and success stories are found on the Pregnancy Miracle website archives as proof.


The Bottom line?


Anyone looking for a quick fix solution to getting pregnant, anyone looking to be told fairy-tales, and anyone looking for a "magic bullet", pills, over the counters, 'get pregnant in 2 weeks' hyped up programs should not waste his or her time with Pregnancy Miracle.


On the other hand, anyone searching for the truth about pregnancy, fertility issues and alternative health and who is ready and willing to put in some work and make the lifestyle changes necessary to get pregnant fast and give birth to healthy children, will find Pregnancy Miracle to be one of the best investments they ever made in their lives. Click here to learn more about Lisa Olson's Pregnancy Miracle
#copywriting #copy #short #wrong
  • First things first. Your title and first sentence are a snooze-fest. It reads like the first sentence of a homework assignment. Compel me. Tell me right out why I should care about the PRODUCT. Because I can assure ya, few, if anyone, is going to care about why the book is the best selling blah blah falls asleep. Good luck.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [2] replies
    • Great! I thought so too.

      Actually I didn't write it, but someone is asking me to write a new one.
      • [1] reply
    • Well said mate. I completely agree. The approach of the first sentence is just a simple sentence from an article found at article directory. Sales page needs different approach always..
  • The first few words just bore the hell out me... I've hit the back button, bye!
  • As others have pointed out, it has some serious flaws going on.

    I would scrap this entire thing and start from scratch. Try to touch on the emotions these infertile mothers are feeling.


    Let me be a bit more direct:

    I know mothers who can't get pregnant. They track their periods like hawks. They religiously use pregnancy tests to check after each try - and sob each time the results comes up negative.

    When they see a mother cuddle and nuzzle her tiny infant, they feel a pain so deep it rends a hole in their very souls.

    If you have a solution that places their own tiny, soft baby in their arms that they can hold, smell and cuddle - well you have an unstoppable emotional selling force.

    The point is, there is a HUGE nerve there - and this copy missed it by a mile.

    Not only that, but the format is flawed. For example:

    The headline is HUGE. "Why Is Pregnancy Miracle The Best Selling Infertility Cure Book In Internet History, With Thousands Of Satisfied (And Now Proud Mothers) Women In 127 Countries Worldwide?"

    It's also completely ineffective. It's trying to cram way too many ideas down my throat while failing at engaging me.

    Even affiliate articles need to be written in a compelling way. Otherwise they're just ineffective garbage.



    I wouldn't use any of this material in your new copy.

    My advice? Trash it. Do the research, put in the time, and create copy that actually works. If you're stuck, check out how other affiliates "sell the click."
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Sebastian, can I make a suggestion?...

    I don't write for the 'want a baby' market, but if I were you and had any resources, I'd look to hire a sharp copywriter like Danielle Lynn or Bambii (Laura) to do it right. If I need to know what time it is, I don't start learning how to build a clock, y'know.
    _____
    Bruce
    • [ 2 ] Thanks
    • [2] replies
    • Well someone paid me $100 to write it. So....I don't think they would write it for me for $100. Heh.
    • Bruce,

      How come you couldn't write copy for the get-pregnant niche? It's just a matter of learning the driving emotions of this target group and writing in the correct voice.

      Alex
      • [1] reply
  • Sebastion,

    You've been asked to rewrite a presell page.

    Since there's so many review pages out there for Pregnancy Miracle, first read over some of the better ones. That will give you a good idea of what this market responds to.

    And remember... you're not trying to sell your readers. You're trying to warm them up for the actual sales letter.

    Alex
    • [2] replies
    • Thanks Alex. The client picked me out of a crap load of writers of elance based off one sales page I wrote. He wants the copy to be "Very Persuasive." So I'm not sure what angle to take. Not bragging just that I feel a bit of pressure, as usual.

      So this should be in the third person?

      Thanks I'll look for some other pre sell pages.
    • Ok here is another pre sell page. Is this what I should be shooting for? I may need to talk to the client about what is required for this job.

      Pregnancy Miracle Download. SCAM or MIRACLE Book? Lisa Olson's Pregnancy Miracle Book Review!

      Oh yeah and the site is a review site. So maybe I should write the copy as a review? I took this on a really short deadline (By Saturday) and the client didn't tell me much other than, "Be persuasive."
  • Pregnancy Miracle Reviews Scam - B.S. CRAP Exposed!

    Check this one out. It's probably a man writing about how he is a woman that got pregnant thanks to this book. It's actually quite effective. The writer takes the "I'm sick of all the fake reviews!" angle.

    And this one tells a story....

    http://www.howcanigetpregnant.org/pr...iew-experience

    So many options.
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