My Sincere Request for Critique on My WSO Salespage

by lesterlim85

Posted: 13 years ago 10 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi fellow warriors

I have been on the Warrior Forum for a while and have finally decided to launch my own WSO within this week. Being a non-native English person, I have some difficulty in writing my salescopy. Moreover, I'm not a good copywriter to get the hook out to my potential buyers.

Thus, I have a sincere request to the copywriters here in Warrior Forum who have the expertise in copywriting to help me with the critique of my salespage. I welcome inputs from non-copywriter warriors too as I'm sure many of you will have a higher standard of English than myself!

Advance thanks to all of you!

#critique #request #salespage #sincere #wso

travlinguy 13 years ago

It's not bad. I think you'll do well with it. A couple of tips though. In your subject line I'd suggest you state plainly what they're going to get. I wouldn't ask, I'd tell. Get... then tell them and say implementing the strategy is free.

In your opening copy you need to get to the point quicker. I'd eliminate the first two paragraphs entirely and get to it. You might say something like, Everyone knows how important twitter and facebook are to marketing. Well, I stumbled on to something...

Then tell them what you've got. You've got nearly 1300 words in this thing and you'd do well to edit it down by at least 500, probably more. No kidding. WSOs aren't like offers in the real world. You've got a warm market here and they don't want to spend a lot of time with explanations of stuff most already know.

Remember this: Start with the problem. That's having to pay for friends and tweets and whatever. Briefly, and I mean two or three sentences at the most, explain social networking and how it works with the sites in question

Then give them a little background on how you discovered the solution, which is getting the problems solved for free. Then get to the call to action. You've got a no-brainer price and an offer people want so get to the point.

All that stuff about how many members each of the sites has and how high they rank is unnecessary. Get it out of there. Too many bullets that aren’t helping you. Think of it like this. If someone doesn't know how important those two sites are and what they can do for marketers, you aren't going to convince them in a WSO. And if you try you'll lose people in the sea of words it will take for the others.

You've done a nice job. Now edit it down. You have a few awkward phrases in there due to English not being your first language. If you can get someone to proof it for you, fine. If not, don't worry too much. The offer stands on its own.

One more thing. You should strongly consider putting something in there encouraging the early birds to write brief reviews if they find the info helpful. That will go a long way in keeping your WSO alive for a long time. Good luck.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3891630].message }}
lesterlim85 13 years ago

Hey travlinguy

Thanks for the suggestions! I will keep that in mind and tweak the salescopy as well as I can!

Cheers,
Lester
- Thanks
Signature
The Best Spinner is not the best. This cutting-edge technology puts it to shame!
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3891654].message }}
lesterlim85 13 years ago

Not sure if there are any more advices other warriors can offer me? Thanks in advance!

Cheers,
Lester
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
The Best Spinner is not the best. This cutting-edge technology puts it to shame!
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3894321].message }}
- brianadrian 13 years ago
  
  Lester:
  
  I would be willing to help you out with a rewrite for free provided you remember me in the future. ;-)
  
  All I need is it to be in open office rather than the microsoft writer it's in now.
  
  Let me know.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3895702].message }}
lesterlim85 13 years ago

Thanks Brian for your offer. I'm feeling honoured.

You can change edit a word doc by opening with open office too! Actually the word doc that you are looking at right now is converted from an open office doc. Lol.

Cheers,
Lester
- Thanks
Signature
The Best Spinner is not the best. This cutting-edge technology puts it to shame!
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3905874].message }}
lesterlim85 13 years ago

Anyone can chip in with some comments too?
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
The Best Spinner is not the best. This cutting-edge technology puts it to shame!
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3919949].message }}
- Justin Quick 13 years ago
  
  Hey lester,
  
  Your headline is just "okay". You can make it stronger by replacing this part:
  
  That Can Put Anyone's Campaign On Steriods
  
  with something else that is more specific. Don't use "anyone"... use "your" and replace the word campaign. Think what, specifically, your product will do for them.
  
  Also, here's a major mistake you're making: You are trying to educate people. We already know how valuable and popular youtube, twitter, facebook, and social media are. You are beating a well beaten horse and you WILL LOSE READERSHIP doing that. That means you will lose sales.
  
  Get rid of all that bull crap, specifically all the stuff under your headline.
  
  This stuff:
  
  Most of us would have already known that Social Media is the IN-thing and hot trend during recent times. People love sharing about their lives and interacting with others about almost everything under the sun!
  
  I was skeptical at first of using the likes of Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube as effective marketing tools. Heck! I don't even like Twitter because I thought it was dumb to write short messages and announce to the whole world what i am doing! But after much researches and guidance from the angel-like warriors in the Warrior Forum, I'm suddenly enlightened on how much Social Media could help my Internet Marketing career!
  
  Coincidentally, shortly after, I stumbled upon these 2 Systems which totally blew me away at how easy it is to get all the Social Media Traffic not for a dollar, a dime, but for FREE! Man, I was almost stuck in Fantasy land!
  
  None of this text is selling. You are beating around the bush. Remember you need to sell, sell, sell.
  
  If these guys are in the WSO section, they know what they want.
  
  So improve your headline and go right into the next part of your letter but modify it this way:
  
  Are you tired of any one of these problems?: (you had are you tired of "all these" and the answer to that may be NO)
  
  •The time it takes to get first page rankings...
  
  •Investing in Google Adwords without turning a profit....
  
  •Facebook Ads that don't even get clicked one time...
  
  •Or using Fiverr to get "likes" on Facebook or "followers" on Twitter -- to little or no effect?
  
  From there you went from good to bad again... with all this nonsense that people have heard a thousand times....
  
  Do you know that:
  
  •Facebook has more than 600 million users, and is ranked just below our dear friend Google at 2nd spot!
  •Twitter has nearly 200 million users and is ranked at 9th spot worldwide!
  •Youtube is the 2nd largest search engine in the world (behind Google again) and ranked as the 3rd most visited website in the world!
  
  Social Media is a Gold Mine right now and obviously you should jump on the bandwagon and take advantage of this great opportunity!
  
  So why are you so hesitant to grab the gold which is already in front of you? You can't be blamed for being so skeptical, because there are so many baddies out there telling you how to make money with Social Media with their expensive courses but you still end up failing.
  
  Why?!
  
  Because they simpy take too much time and requires you to put too much investment up front to buy Twitter Followers, Fanpage Likes, Youtube video views.
  
  Highlight all that mess and hit the DELETE key... you don't need it.
  
  Because your next part is excellent. If you follow my logic you'll go from "are you tired of any of these problems" to your next part which reads (and I modified it some)...
  
  If you answered YES to any of those, then....
  
  I Have Some Great News For You Today:
  
  See?
  
  And the rest of your copy is pretty darn good. If the guy above is going to do copy for you, for free, give him your product and let him watch it and document EVERY FREAKING benefit that is in there.
  
  And then focus on putting all those benefits in the copy where you describe your product. All the tips, tricks, advantages, and so forth.
  
  If you can give a few tips or tricks away, that will serve as additional proof. People will see that you have the goods.
  
  Good luck!
  
  I hope you do well,
  
  Justin Quick
  Justin Quick Marketing
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3921022].message }}
lesterlim85 13 years ago

Hey Justin!

Thank you so much for the advice! Appreciate that!

Cheers,
Lester
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
The Best Spinner is not the best. This cutting-edge technology puts it to shame!
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3921049].message }}
- Patrick Batty 13 years ago
  
  Hey Lester,
  Copy looks good although, I only had a brief glance.
  
  Because I'm coming into this 5 days after the fact, let me know if you need further review.
  
  If you do, I'll be happy to put much more time into it. Possibly you can give me a review copy at that point.
  
  Anyway, let me know if you need a hand.
  Cheers
  Patrick
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3921205].message }}
DanteRomero 13 years ago

I recommend the book "On Writing Well"

It so well describes how to write that I'm confident you could pull ahead of most native speakers if you applied it. It also covers what I see as a problem in your copy at first glance. There are clutter words. Try to remove every unnecessary word.

When you use more words to describe something than is needed, it makes it sound unbelievable. I can see that this is definitely undermining some of your credibility in your copy. Without trust, products don't sell.

That isn't to say you won't get sales. But this is somewhere to look when you want to improve conversions.

I wish you the best,
Dante
- Thanks
Signature

"Perfection isn't important. Improvement is."
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3940725].message }}

My Sincere Request for Critique on My WSO Salespage

Trending Topics

Newbie

How did you turn it all around?

A healthy fascination for Hollywood...

Any thoughts on golf's latest phenom...Scottie Scheffler??

best high quality crypto traffic.