Please review my salespage

The concept is pretty cool.

I'm not a huge fan of future tense in sales writing, i.e. "You will soon discover ... we will show you ... worries will soon be over ... you will make money today ..."

I say that, but then somehow it seems to work. Maybe because you've uniformly chosen that tense throughout the whole piece -- except for the story, which you used past tense uniformly. (Good job on that.)

The text between your p tags is dense. The shape reminds me of an advertorial. If you're going to do that, maybe split up the sentences with two spaces between period and capital.

Otherwise, start breaking the body paras. up. Use the natural breaks (Like many of you ... so instead of working harder ... now I am no genius ..

And there's a paragraph where you use "I invested ... I tried ... I tried ... I bought ... That's good rhythm (like verse) and you should emphasize it with bullets.

Pretty well-written. What a nice change of pace from the usual reviews.

Good luck!

Hi there Dayshun,

I found the headline to be very 'bloated' — both in appearance and in length.

The font you chose is hard to read when it's bolded like that.

As for the length, I use 'The Breath Test' - if I have to take a breath in the middle of reading your headline out loud then it's too long.

People retain only so much information at any given time. When they land on your page, they're likely casually glancing about. If you shove too many words on them in one swoop, they'll likely click away without reading past the first few words.

Remember this: The headline isn't there so you can cram as many ideas and benefits down the visitor's throat as fast as possible. Its primary function is to get your readers to read the first line of copy (which in turn leads them through the whole page).

So basically you have to create a super-condensed sentence that intrigues readers enough to get them to start reading through your sales copy. That's why you hear so many copywriters say the headline is truly one of the most challenging parts of writing successful copy.

Good luck!

The site has a very welcoming feel. I too think the headline is a bit much but that's easily corrected. Another thing is, the headline is crowded sitting alongside the video. Find a way to get the headline up by itself.

The actual copy seems to meander. What I mean is you never get to giving a precise explanation of what this system is. You have a sidebar with bullets that mention PLR, mentoring and other stuff. Where does the payday come from?

I think you need to address what it's about in the main body of the copy. It looks like it might be a free membership site but why leave your prospects to wonder? I rarely click on video but did this time and it's just another set of the same bullets in a fancy video presentation.

You have three different font types on the main page. That's a bit much. And I'd lose the center formatting and move it to the left.

Your teaser stuff is good, maybe good enough to get people to join but personally, I would be skeptical this is MLM, gifting or something else. Perhaps your target market won't. I'd be interested to find out. Good luck.

I think it's well written. Didn't make me wanna buy anything and I didn't finish reading because, "Looks like spam." But all sales pages look like spam when it's not something "I" want, or need desperately.

If college kids are your niche, I would def focus hard on selling to them. Maybe a headline like, "College Can Suck When You're Broke. Fix This Today."

No more Mr Noodles.