Rip This Squeeze Page Apart, Please

by Cataclysm1987

Posted: 13 years ago 18 replies

COPY WRITING

Hey WF copywriters. Just got done doing the ad copy for a brand new squeeze page. I am pumped.

Anyways, kindly take a look:

Underground Internet Riches: Underground Internet Riches

And feel free to criticize the hell out of it.

I am a pretty good copy writer, but I'm sure some of you here are a lot better than myself.

So give me any kind of advice you can think of. I am all ears. If I think your comment is useful and powerful enough, I might even just put it to work

.

Thanks in advance!

#page #rip #squeeze

Alex Cohen 13 years ago

The headline is incongruent.

On one hand it infers that only 1% of marketers know the secrets. On the other, it tells how tens of thousands have benefited from the secrets.

Also, the headline could be pithier. Something like this would be better...

"Discover The Insider Secrets
That Have Taken A Few Elite Marketers
From Zero To 6 Figures...
In 90 Days Or Less!"

Alex
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- Cataclysm1987 13 years ago
  
  I'll change it to thousands, and consider your second suggestion after seeing how this first headline converts. Thanks for the feedback!
  
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Cataclysm1987

13 years ago

I will, eventually. I'm not interested in a long copy, short copy ad copy argument as there are benefits to each which is obvious.

I mean, you have logical users and then you have aggressive users that constitute around 80 percent of the traffic online. Which one works better likely depends on what sort of market you attract.

I don't want people to be wondering, why do I need to opt in.

Then again, I also don't want them to get bored and lost in the details either.

I am trying long copy first though, so if you have any specific details towards the current copy length or changes you would make, that would really help me out the most.

I am modeling it after this sort of site:

http://www.topearningteam.com/?t=115

I am going to use testimonials from customers who use the products I promote as fodder for buying, obviously, but I need to make something similar to what this guy has in order to compete in such a harsh market.

Thanks
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Rezbi

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Cataclysm1987

I will, eventually. I'm not interested in a long copy, short copy ad copy argument as there are benefits to each which is obvious.

That doesn't go with what you said previously...

And feel free to criticize the hell out of it.

When someone says that, I assume they mean tell me everything and anything needed to improve it.

And that could mean the length of the copy, too.

Thanks
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Cataclysm1987

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Rezbi

That doesn't go with what you said previously...

When someone says that, I assume they mean tell me everything and anything needed to improve it.

And that could mean the length of the copy, too.

I didn't come here to get criticism on my ability to take criticism. I came here to get criticism.

I also said I may or may not take the criticism given, so in fact, I haven't really gone against anything I originally said. You just assume that because I say criticize the hell out of it, that means I will listen to everything everyone says, and act on it.

Sounds like a good way to go broke.

Please keep this thread on topic. I am not interested in making it personal.

Thanks

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Cataclysm1987

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

People overlook curiosity as a motivator, I think.

Headline: From 0 to $100,000 in 90 Days?

Sub headline: Discover How It's Done

Left side: Video with bullet points OR the bullet points in text.

Right side: Opt-in form, privacy assurance.

If you try it, let me know how it does for you. I'm figuring 40-50%.

I like your ideas! I will experiment with these in some of my revisions...maybe you can give me some feedback once I get them up?

Thanks
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ewenmack

13 years ago

Got one for ya Eric...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Unversity Dropout From Boco Raton Humiliates Doctor Friend
After Banking $750,000 In Less Than 2 Years...And Not A Dime Spent On Advertising!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buried in your copy was the story of Bret Fogle.

Went to his website and saw he was from Boco Raton.

He tells he banked $750,000 in under 2 years.

Our lazy brains like numbers and contrast...plus money.

I took liberty to say he was a University dropout without knowing if he was or not.

Next I used the underdog beating someone who's meant to be smarter, story.

It all comes together in a rich vein of emotive story.

If you ask Bret to see what his background is and if he has an underdog story that he got great pleasure in showing some smart ass friend that he isn't so smart afterall.

You'll be suprised how many of those little grudges drive people...including your readers.

If you can incorporate a story like that from Bret, you've got yourself a great hook.

Best,
Ewen

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Cataclysm1987

13 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Got one for ya Eric...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Unversity Dropout From Boco Raton Humiliates Doctor Friend
After Banking $750,000 In Less Than 2 Years...And Not A Dime Spent On Advertising!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buried in your copy was the story of Bret Fogle.

Went to his website and saw he was from Boco Raton.

He tells he banked $750,000 in under 2 years.

Our lazy brains like numbers and contrast...plus money.

I took liberty to say he was a University dropout without knowing if he was or not.

Next I used the underdog beating someone who's meant to be smarter, story.

It all comes together in a rich vein of emotive story.

If you ask Bret to see what his background is and if he has an underdog story that he got great pleasure in showing some smart ass friend that he isn't so smart afterall.

You'll be suprised how many of those little grudges drive people...including your readers.

If you can incorperate a story like that from Bret, you've got yourself a great hook.

Best,
Ewen

Great idea!

I didn't know that was his story. Yeah, he is a testimonial for one of the products I'm promoting. Maybe I shall try that headline to see how it works

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ewenmack

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Cataclysm1987

Great idea!

I didn't know that was his story. Yeah, he is a testimonial for one of the products I'm promoting. Maybe I shall try that headline to see how it works

It's in the second testomonial.

Not saying you can use it because it may not be factually true
about him dropping out of University.

Just demonstrating and prompting you to speak to him and see
what his background is.

I'm working on beating a 5 year control that's based on the Wall Street Letter.

Buried in the letter is a fantastic result from a buyer.

I'm using that as the same emotion driver like I just showed you.

It's the obvious result a buyer would want then there is a deeper layer
of revenge, showing off and ego building.

The reader is building a mental movie of the perfect dream result.

All from one headline.

Best,
Ewen

Thanks
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Cataclysm1987 13 years ago

Ewen, as much as I love that headline, I did some research into Bret Fogle's background. Turns out it's not factually accurate .

I would rather not start making inaccurate claims about people to sell my products. Not a good way to build a following if you ask me!

Any other ideas?
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- Cataclysm1987 13 years ago
  
  Hey y'all, quick update. I added in another version of the squeeze page, and I ripped and edited the testimonial video from the product I'm promoting. Thus far, I think it looks pretty sweet!!!
  
  Underground Internet Riches: Squeeze 2
  
  That's the version I did based on the recommendations of Alex and Ken. The original as always is right back here:
  Underground Internet Riches: Underground Internet Riches
  
  Your thoughts, please!
  
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Rezbi 13 years ago

You know, it may be that everything you've written there is fact.

The problem is, zero to 100,000 in 90 days is not believable. At least not for the average person.

If you can't get people to believe it's true, you won't make sales.

Are you going to split test those pages?
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- Alex Cohen 13 years ago
  
  Obviously the 90 days is just an example.
  
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  Rezbi 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Alex Cohen
  
  Obviously the 90 days is just an example.
  
  In that case it would be good to see the finished version. Then it would be easier to give suggestions.
  
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Stephen Dean 13 years ago

There needs to be continuity between all the claims.

I see "0-$200"...

"$100-$500"

"from Nothing to Six Figures"

"$10,000 or more per month"

And that's all above the fold - yikes! Confusion kills sales, and if your claims don't match there's no continuity in your message. And that means your copy is DOA.

I like your format of squeeze page, with an opt-in immediately after a short offer, some copy and then another opt-in at the bottom. Ryan Deiss just revealed that's his "control" format.

But it might be easier to just go Ken's route. Less copy means less opportunity to make mistakes. And like he says, curiosity is a huge motivator.

Cheers,
Stephen Dean
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Rip This Squeeze Page Apart, Please

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