Salescopy Critique For List Building Supremacy Please???

13 replies
Hey warriors,

I'm looking for a few copywriters to critique my salescopy, I think the beginning is ok but I think ill lose people after the video descriptions.

What do you think?

Old Copy =

New Copy =

Any advice would be greatly appreciated


#building #critique #list #salescopy #supremacy
  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    I would think a plain white background - a better headline - and getting to the point and asking for the sale without having to scroll till the mouse ran out of pad, would be better.

    Piece seemed way to long - I lost my concentration several times.

    You've got some brilliant ideas, I just think the whole site needs some changes.

    If you've got a good point, make it, customers can tell when you're trying to convince yourself you should be selling this to them.
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    • Profile picture of the author griswold
      max5ty, this is an impeccable (and rarely realized) point:

      If you've got a good point, make it, customers can tell when you're trying to convince yourself you should be selling this to them.

      thanks for the reminder!
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    Craig, I don't have time to go in-depth, but it does need some work.

    The headline and opening statements aren't doing any favors. I had to read it several times to understand the point you were trying to make.

    Here are some suggestions though:

    - Try using more specificity in your headline

    - Use more subheads - so even if I scan it, I get the basic idea

    - "Talk" to only 1 person

    - You have a few basic grammar errors (copywriting does break a lot of grammar rules, but you've missed things like commas)

    - Try getting an image of the entire package made... and have a "recap" of what they're getting just before the order button.

    - Put the video modules and bonuses in johnson boxes for more readability.

    There are more specifics to getting your copy up to scratch, but at least that's a start

    NEW: CRAZIEST Copywriting offer ever offered on WF
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Lots of worn out cliches in there. I clicked off in less than 10 seconds.
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  • Profile picture of the author Don Schenk

    When you ask a question to which the reader might answer with either a, "No," or an, "I don't know," you have lost control of where you are trying to lead the reader.

    When I read, "Who else has purchased $497 program after $497 program and found the same, lifeless information?" my first thought was, "I don't know." The same happend to me when I read the Ponzi question.

    The "who else" makes the sales message directed to a large audience. The word, "you" is directed toward one person - your reader.

    And maybe this next thing is just one of my (olde f@rt) personal quirks, but when I read "The List Ninja," I wondered if the writer is someone 14 years old. "Ninja" doesn't say, "business professional" to me, but then maybe I am not your audience. Actually I am part your intended audience because I want traffic to build my list.

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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Its not a spectacular piece of copy but its not so horrible either. If your traffic is reallly targetted should convert well. Just the general IM traffic would need tweaking to get this puppy to convert.

    Its not so terrible tho.

    Id get rid of the bonuses, raise the price to $100, create a powerful USP and put it in the headline. I think it sounds like your trying too hard to make the sale. It sounds like youve got a decent product, dont try to shove it down your readers throat. Instead offer them the opportunity of buying.

    Also your copy is just boring and a bit repetitive, long and bleh. Your writing copy to sell a $1000 course for something for $50. Remember there are average people who spend $100-$200 at the bar on a friday night, $50 is not so much money. Pizza costs $30 for a combo ffs. Whats $50. They spend $800 on the lastest IPad, a glorified video game/internet brower

    Dont try so hard, remember its all about psychology.

    xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business

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    • Profile picture of the author Craig Dawber
      Thanks for all the great advice, it's much appreciated.

      I have made some of the changes mentioned but it still needs some work and I've come to a bit of a road block to what needs changing next.

      Old Copy = Old Copy

      New Copy = Craig Dawber's List Building Supremacy

      Any advice what to do now?

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      • Hi Graig,

        Sorry I haven't got time for a full critique.

        But a quick thought - the pre - head and headline "shouts" at me a bit too much.

        On the "Listen up! because you're about to learn" pre - head -

        Nobody really wants to take the time to learn - they do want to "discover," "solve" or "gain" - anything that doesn't seem to involve any work.

        So lose "learn" and concentrate on your "simplicity" theme.

        On the headline style -

        Use upper case on all the first letters - keep 90% in the same color - preferably black (just my view) and only highlight one key element (use italics, change to a red font, underline, put in a * ___* or whatever).

        Hope this helps a bit.

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  • Profile picture of the author amo992
    I'm going critique the intro your new copy as I have some time to spare.

    The Intro: First Eight to Ten Paragraphs
    • The title is a ridiculous hyperbole. This is a copy for your copy, so spend time crafting a few good 'descriptions' that both captures the reader's attention and represents what you're going to talk about. I personally throw $30-$50 at adwords with my titles/subtitles to see which ones capture the reader's attention.
    • The introduction's connotation is negative and almost repulsive. You should use the introduction to draw them in to read more or show value in a not so roundabout fashion.
    • When trying to connect with the audience, your messages are too specific. You need to come at it like a fortune teller. "I know that you've felt happiness many times in your life. But, it often fades and, sometimes, turns into a profound sadness that can only be overcome with the help of your friends or family."
    • You far too many phrases which makes it lose it's effect. Personally, I try not to bold phrases within 300 words of each other--titles/subtitles included. Then again, design work could be outsourced.

    Good luck on your endeavor
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    Ahhhh, Craig I know this is PLR now, I bought the same a while back LOL

    I thought the copy would at least be on the level the letter to sell me on it was. Unfortunately, they either wrote it themselves or went to Elance or something.

    You should probably go through the video course yourself and dig out every benefit you can find... that's the only way you're going to get the specificity you need to sell this.

    NEW: CRAZIEST Copywriting offer ever offered on WF
    My top student WILL make your sales go BANANAS!
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  • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
    Dear future list building titan,

    Who else has purchased $497 program after $497 program and found the same, lifeless information? The same techniques, clothed in a different skin?

    Who else has purchased a traffic builder program that turns out to be little more than some ponzi scheme that only works for the creator of it? Who else has read list after list of methods for growing a huge email list, but can't extract the precise method of making it work, out of the program?

    Ive found that opening my copy by reminding readers how Often theyve been ripped off doesn't do anything except remind them of past foolishness on their part... why not promise them what they want, rather than reminding them of what idiots they were?
    If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

    >>>> This <<<<

    Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    The beginning has no real bite. Didn't get passed there...

    Do You Want To Make 5 and 6-Figures A Month As A Freelance Copywriter? My Copywriting System Has Made Over 600 Million Dollars. Discover More

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    • Profile picture of the author Neil AM
      I'll try to take a longer look at this, but one thing I did notice:

      P.S.S.S. Add one more P.S. here using your urgency or scarcity that you have used throughout your sales copy
      You probably want to drop that.

      Resident wordsmith at

      Life's too short to drink bad wine.

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