[Sales Letter Feedback] Leading provider of business education - Real world conference sales page

Black on white and black on light yellow have proven time and time again to be the highest converting combinations.

Listen to Brian. He knows what he's talking about.

Alex

Can't say exactly, but it will be in an upwards direction, I guarantee it

Hi,
Don't know who you are trying to appeal to (the specific demographic of entrepreneur). Here are the issues in my opinion:

1. The colour issues have been pointed out. Go for either black text on white or black text on light yellow. These have been tested not once, but thousands of times.

2. Your sales page does not capture the person. As soon as I land on the page, it looks like a blog page that announces an event. Nothing captivating. You want to start with an attention getting headline.

3. The sales letter (if that's what it is) starts with a "me" message.

4. The logos of different companies and organizations take up prime space. They look like paid ads.

5. Typos such as "principals" instead of "principles"

6. The call to action appears out of nowhere.

7. The bullets are weak and can be strengthened (a lot)

Sorry, but you needed to hear that. Now for the good news.

1. The video is actually quite good. Pull it above the fold and let it auto play. It should help the selling.

2. The sold out signs tell me that you've had successful events in the past, so you should always be able to bring that audience back especially if it was a decent event.

3. The price appears to be a steal for anyone. People would show up just for the networking opportunity at that price.

Hope this helps.

Regards,

Sanjay

"Argh, autoplay video warning. Do not want"

Nothing wrong with it as long as the viewer has controls. The ones without the controls are annoying. For an event, it may help and of course a simple split test will tell you very quickly what's working.

"The target market is entrepreneurs between 18 and 35 based in Sydney or Melbourne"

You need to speak to one of these people. Your letter should be one person to one person to be most effective. Do not talk to a group.

2. What would you suggest as the heading? Perhaps "The world has changed and so must business education." or "Australia's next entrepreneurs coming together with Australia's best entrepreneurs"? Perhaps placement above the sponsor logos front and center <h1>?

This needs more thinking. The masters recommend spending 80% of your time on the sales letter on the headline.

It depends on what this group wants. What are their hidden inner desires that you can tap into? Do they want to be Australia's next set of best entrepreneurs (best is a weak word).

You could swipe the famous Ted Nicholas headline

"You ... Millionaire Entrepreneur?" (assuming this will appeal to them. If the entry requires them to have over a million in revenues it may not)

"How To Meet Over 100 Potential Business Contacts In 48 Hours"

"Announcing Australia's Biggest Entrepreneur Mastermind - Will You Be A Part Of It Or Will You Miss Out?"

3. Excuse my ignorance, what's a me message?

Me message is anything that talks purely about you or the event instead of to the audience.

"We have the most advanced technology" - Me message

"You will have access to the most advanced technology available and ..." Same message rephrased

4. The are paid sponsorship

That is pretty cool, but currently it's looking like speed bumps in the letter. Why don't you turn it into an advantage.

"Microsoft and So-and-so are willing to pay bug bucks to be present at this event, but you don't have to ..."

6. How would I go about make the call to action seem less out of nowhere? I'm I getting caught up making it pretty rather than effective?

Perhaps. Only you can answer that. If pretty sells, then keep it pretty. If ugly sells keep it ugly. If words sell, focus on the words.

On the CTA, try and transition into it.

You don't want to miss an opportunity like this to ... blah blah ... and by the way, right now it's available for peanuts. You can easily get in for the price of dinner.

Reserve your seat and bonuses by ....

7. Any tips or resources to strengthen the dot points?

Write your bullets like you would write a headline. They need to provoke curiosity or convey benefits or both.

"Hear from Australia's best entrepreneurs and learn how they succeeded"

Get more specific. Even on the generic, you could say

"Australia's most successful entrepreneurs are going to reveal all their secrets and how they not just survived in a down economy, but thrived by taking advantage of these 7 little known tactics that 98% of people don't even know"

Any "How to" bullet (fascination) is good too.

Any 3/5/7 tips/secrets/strategies are good.

All in all, it comes down to 3 things and you may have heard of it, but I'll restate it anyway. The copy is only 20% of the equation. The other 80% is the list and the offer. (Nothing new. Every copywriting master or legend or even people who have read enough books on copy will tell you this).

Now you appear to have the list and the offer in the right place. What thay means is you will sell even if your copy sucks and will have a successful campaign.

Now, addressing the copy will help you sell more surely, but that's all it will do. Sell more.

For the product you have, it appears you just need to fill the venue and I think it should not be very hard to do.

Hope this helps