Critique my very first copywriting piece EVER...

I should probably mention: the target audience = socially inept teens and young adults.

If I'm correct, Pete pointed out "That" because "that" is usually a removable word. There are certain words in the English language we use, but don't really need. "That" tends to be one of them.

Two things will save this letter:

1) You're violating the unwritten social code when you attack your reader with this sort of headline. I believe it was David Ogilvy who said, "your reader is your wife."

Would you beat your wife? Abuse her verbally like this?

Focus on what you can give her, and how you'll take away her pain. This will win you friends and sales.

2) You haven't figured out what you're selling yet.

In the same vein as above, you simply do not know what your benefit is yet. No worries. Try doing this: Write down every feature of your product. For an info product, this is everything you do for your prospect.

Then ask yourself, "Why did I select this feature to teach my customer?" Answer this questions.

Then write a sentence to your prospect which begins with, "So you can ... " and then tell him what this feature will help him do.

Finally, find both a) the obvious and b) new, interesting and unique ways to put the above statement TO WORK for your prospect.

Show him using it in his life... show him other benefits it can get him.. etc etc etc.

Benefits - especially dimentionalized benefits - are the ammunition you use in copywriting.

Not enough bullets, you won't do the job correctly.

So arm yourself with more than you need. And select only the top 10% to keep and feature.

You'll make more money.

- Alex

Hello Tony,

I don't think that insulting your target market helps you that much.

They are socially inept but that doesn't mean they don't have an ego.

Plus, they consider their lack of a social life is thanks to some exterior circumstance, parents, society, friends, looks, etc.

"It's not your fault. I've been there too. And God knows that I've tried to change something. However, with such strict parents and a society that is as forgiving as the African jungle, I've found it difficult. This is until when ..."

You are assuming things in the first paragraph. He may not have been told these things.

Try to understand him, don't judge him, critique him. It's depressing to read. He doesn't want to read this unless it inspires him. Remember, the ego comes first.

Also, why do you use so many complicate words? Use simple language. It's hard to read.

The main appeal should be that he wants to be like one of his friends, a star, a VIP. He considers that if only that happens, every one of his problems will be solved.

Talk about him, not about social dynamics. You've lost me by the second page.

Look, you need to be likable to sell. He needs to respect you. He needs to see you as the person that finally understands him. He needs to be motivated and even relieved by reading your sales letter.

It's like in the weight loss niche. He doesn't want to hear the truth. He wants to hear that his extra weight is due to the additives used by McDonald in their products.

So I suggest you start writing this again, this time with a little bit more empathy.

Thanks,
Razvan

Hah, I think my copy's just way too long! The bullets are at the bottom of the page! Great feedback so far, if anyone else has thoughts, please chime in!

For one, the success of any sales letter hangs on the ability of it's headline. Not only don't you have a headline but you have a question that's really a statement and it doesn't speak to anyone really. The goal of the headline is to get the person to read the rest of the salesletter, nothing more.

You're not calling anyone out, making a big promise or giving anyone any reason to read the rest. You need to "hook" them in to the letter, make then so curious that they MUST read more.

"FORMER PARTY REJECT WHO COULDN'T GET THE TIME OF DAY LEARNS A "WEIRD' SOCIAL CODE THAT MADE HIM THE MOST POPULAR GUY AT THE PARTY WITH SO MANY BABES NUMBERS HE HAD TO BUY A NEW CELL PHONE!"

That's cool, bold claims still work though. It's something that you need to test.
I feel like "Still have no social lfe?" seems like you're jumping in at the middle of the conversation somewhere. Like, what exactly are we talking about many would think.

Some good advice left here for you.

My thoughts:
I was turned off by the first sentence so would have left your squeeze page.

It took far too long to get to the solution to this dilemma. If I had made it past the first sentence, I still wouldn't have been on the site long enough to get to helpful part.

Sometimes it is best to work your way backwards. Write about all of the benefits of your product and then you can extract the right sort of questions that a buyer would be looking to answer.

Good luck with it.

Tiptopcat

yikes...I really do suck at this. <_<

If you can communicate effectively in writing, then you can learn to write good copy.

The copywriters above have given you a lot of good advice. Think of each point as something new to learn.

Don't be discouraged. You'll be there before you know it!

Alex