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Serious Copywriters - Review My Solo Ad For Immense Gratitude

by Apollo-Articles
14 replies
Hi Warriors,

I've never written a solo ad before, so figured coming to the copywriting section for a review would be an excellent plan.

One question, I have is on the width of the ad - I've heard this should be narrow, but how narrow?

I'll take in all further hints, suggestions and tips particular from those respected copywriters.

Many thanks,

Sam

P.S.
The ads based on a report I created (also in my sig) I planned to offer it within the ad for just 200 downloads to create scarcity
#copywriters #gratitude #immense #review #serious #solo
  • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
    Hi, congrats on your first solo ad...

    ...here is what needs to change

    1. In your position I would work harder on the subject line. The subject line has only one goal - to get the right prospect to open the email. That's it.

    For big projects I always write at least 50 headlines/subject lines and choose the best. If this is important, you may want to do the same.

    2. The opening is weakened by unnecessary information. Once the email is opened you need to "grab them by the collar". At least, do something like "If you want at least 1000 new visitors in 7 days or less then ...." This is, of course, just a rough illustration.

    3. Your focus is on the product - you need to focus on results your customers want. In other words (in the word's of John Carlton, I think) "Tell them what they need to hear in order to buy".

    I'm not saying you should lie, what I'm saying is "What do they want to know?". Start from there.

    All the best!

    Jean Paul
    Signature
    "Those who can - DO IT. Those who can't, say it's impossible."
    Jean Paul a.k.a AdwordsMogul
    PHPDevelopers.net - Top of the range PHP developers

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  • Profile picture of the author Apollo-Articles
    Thanks for the advice! Particularly "What do they want to know".

    I'll develop some new openers and a lot of subject lines and give it another go.

    Thanks Jean Paul,

    Sam
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Sam,

    It's overwritten. You're getting to the point fast, but there's way too many words.

    Once opened, the sole purpose of a solo ad is to "get the click."

    In other words, do not sell the report in the solo ad, you can do that someplace else.

    Just get the click. You can use curiousity, mystery, benefits, promises, claims to do that.

    Good luck,

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Apollo-Articles
    Thanks Rick,

    I'll give it another go now and upload the results later/tomorrow.

    Thanks,

    Sam
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    • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
      It's a very good effort for your first Ad.

      Take everyones advice.

      And maybe don't make the number of downloads a round number.

      Rather than say 200...

      Say 229, or 179 (it piques the "curiosity" factor - people think "why 229?" - and odd numbers always get more attention).

      Or say 179 - cross that out and type 157.

      It makes it look like they are going fast.

      (I know it's a bit of a trick - but as people download the eBook - the numbers are reducing...)

      And best not to type the word free - you may end up in spam folders - type fr** or say "no cost" or something similar.
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      http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author Apollo-Articles
    Hi Everyone,

    I've tried to take heed of what you've said and incorporate it into this second version(attached).

    One thing I've found is that simply by going away, taking a break and coming back to edit copy gives me a fresh mind.

    Thanks to:

    @Steve
    I removed the word free and changed the numbers as well as adding the strike-through to encourage action.

    @Rick
    I've massively reduced the words, you were correct it was far too overwritten. I've also made it more narrow and added an extra call to action link to get the click.

    @AdwordsMogul
    I've worked on the subject line, I think its much better now (but still not perfect - any ideas?) I've also removed the unnecessary information in the opener and replaced it with a bold hook.

    Thanks everyone, I'd love to hear your feedback on my second shot.

    Sam
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Got a new headline for you and a lesson on why it was created this way...

      cool?

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Traffic Transfer Hijacks Totally Targeted Traffic Fast...And Not From The Usual Sources
      ...And Mostly FREE
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      #1 Give your report a name, never call it a e-book because it sounds plain cheap.
      An ideal name is one that starts with your subject and then having an action word.

      The headline could of been "5 Steps To Traffic Domination with Traffic Transfer"

      I've seen a headline changed where the product name implies the result
      is automatically done bump up response by 300%...
      because it appeals to the lazy instinct.

      Dan kennedy has seen this change make a big difference in response as well.

      Now look at the two example headlines.

      The key to it is having an action word ending with an s after the product name.

      There are lot's of room for improvement in your page...won't go over them now
      because I wanted to give you one big lesson you can use on this right now
      and whenever you create headlines.

      Best,
      Ewen

      P.S The first headline still could be made better if I knew more about your offering...
      just demonstrating a point.
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      • Profile picture of the author Apollo-Articles
        Thanks a lot for the tips Ewen!

        I will remember to call my reports something to do with my subject followed by an action word adding another action word (with an s) when using in a headline.

        Or as you wrote:

        Traffic (subject word) Transfer (action word) Hijacks (2nd action word with 's').

        If you like I can send you a copy of Traffic Transfer? So you can get a better look at the offering?

        Any more tips on my page would be great!

        Many thanks Ewen,

        Thanks,

        Sam
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  • Profile picture of the author livepsycle
    The second version is soooo much better. I find it a little overbaked after...

    "Study my five winning traffic techniques and ensure you’re not missing out on huge, untapped traffic sources"

    And I like what you are trying to do with scarcity. That's cool. But the way it's done makes me feel like you think I'm (the reader) stupid. Maybe look having a limited number and then giving a legitimate reason why there is only a limited amount. Scarcity is good, just don't treat people like they're thick. And without a legitimate reason that's what it feels like.
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  • Profile picture of the author Tedel
    Mind, I am still learning copywriting, OK?

    I read draft #1 and #2, also the suggestions people gave you here. I think you took them too literally for your second draft, and that, as a result, your text lost some of the naturalness it had in the first draft.

    If that got into my e-mail, I wouldn't buy yet.

    Maybe you need to concentrate more on the subject line. You wrote this:

    [No Cost eBook] Next 209 Downloads ONLY – 5 Steps To Unlock Massive Traffic

    How about this?

    Secrets to draw more traffic to YOUR website - limited offer to first 221 replies
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    Author of Heptagrama. PM for my SEO service offer.
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  • Profile picture of the author Apollo-Articles
    Hi Guys,

    Thanks for the latest comments.

    @livepsycle I gone ahead and removed the strike through since I don't think this will work in an email format, I've also given a reason as to why its limited

    @Tedel I've swiped your subject line and amended a few words to try and get the natural flow back, but I think the more I tinker with it the more I could potentially loose this.

    Attached is version 3.

    Thanks again,

    Sam
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    • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
      Sam,

      For whatever reason I couldn't download Version 3.

      But I'm guessing you've used all the best ideas.

      And it gets to a stage when you have to stop "tinkering" and just send it.

      Monitor the response - and if necessary start "tinkering" again...

      (BTW - I still think the "strike out" the numbers is a good idea - others might not.

      I've used it with great results - I did say after the "strike" - "they really are going fast" - which they were - and in tests "strikes" did bump the response.

      However, it was on a sales letter - best not to do it on an email because of possible formatting problems.

      Another reason for using "strike outs" is when you just can't give a really good "scarcity" explanation - when people rightly or wrongly assume there is no real justification why it should be limited. And don't respond as quickly as you would like.

      Usually you can give excellent "scarcity" reasons - and you can often do "strike outs" as well for extra impact, but again maybe not on an email).
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  • Profile picture of the author Apollo-Articles
    Hi Steve,

    Thanks for your reply,

    I think you're right when it comes to the strike outs best to keep these on a sales page which unlike emails can be reactive to when the download link is clicked.

    I think I've now reached the point when I'll send it out.

    Thanks everyone for your help.

    Sam
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    • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
      Originally Posted by Apollo-Articles View Post

      Hi Steve,

      Thanks for your reply,

      I think you're right when it comes to the strike outs best to keep these on a sales page which unlike emails can be reactive to when the download link is clicked.

      I think I've now reached the point when I'll send it out.

      Thanks everyone for your help.

      Sam
      Don't forget to come back and tell us the results! :0)
      Signature
      "Those who can - DO IT. Those who can't, say it's impossible."
      Jean Paul a.k.a AdwordsMogul
      PHPDevelopers.net - Top of the range PHP developers

      ⇉ Easy Link Saver - Are you tired of the pain of constantly searching for your affiliate links? ( Chrome extension - FREE )
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