Are you an expert copywriter?

A bit too much in your headline, I'd say. You're also going down a very worn out road with the "gurus keeping all the wisdom to themselves" approach. I'm not sure anyone ever really bought into that stuff.

I'd suggest a different angle. If you've actually figured out how to make money online then tell your story of struggle, search for an answer and then enlightenment or the light bulb moment when it all came together.

When relating to how others feel you don't need to identify a bad guy. The bad guy can be frustration or poor choices in marketing strategies. This is stuff virtually everyone starting out can relate to.

Then talk more about what happened to turn it all around. Then show some proof of success. Then tell them what you have that makes you different than every other guru-bashing schumk out there . Then put in a killer call to action. Then you have something that might work, if you do a good job with it. It's a simple, time tested formula. Good luck.

Um... No.

Please?

Would you mind?

I'd love it if you'd be kind enough to...?

Sheesh.

Hi,

I'll tell you what myself and some of my clients are experiencing lately. Adding a graphic header reduces and in many cases kills conversion.

Oh yeah, and BTW for others going with the "as seen in" icons, in a lot of our campaigns we've actually seen those decrease conversions. I think people are seeing too many of those.

What's new is old and what's old is new again...

I don't know how often I've seen cheesy looking sites with no header winning lately. Lead with a benefit oriented headline.

My first question is who are you and why should I believe anything you say?

I like the little guy getting duped angle but feel it's a bit drawn out.

"What if you were pals with a successful internet marketer?" Unsubstantiated. That testimonial doesn't do it for me. I think you need much more proof.

Next question, what is your USP. I can get the same kind of thing from people I know are gurus like Armand Morin, Eben Pagan, Steven Pierce, etc...

You can join there coaching programs and they have much more credibility. Whether they are crack marketers or not is beside the point. This is about perception.

Selling from a position of power... specialists and gurus aren't typically available for "one on one" access. Rather, you would say perhaps "access to my personally trained success coaches who've helped more than 170 Success Club Gold clients earn more than $14,357,456..." Now testimonials, case studies, endorsements, etc...

"Full access to me by email and by phone" Yikes...to me that says desperation, misunderstanding of priorities and affects credibility. If I'm a marketer, that's what I'm doing. I don't have time to personally talk to $47/mo clients. One of my personally trained staff will.

Additionally, I read "full access to..." I don't see any benefits there. Pretend I'm one of your prospects, I'm busy, work full time, have a wife and kids, social commitments, etc...okay, full access, great, but what's the payoff?

Testimonial headlines are weak. Need specific benefits not general ones like "Carol loves what I did for her business." More like "Carol C. of Candles by Night increased sales by 37% for an additional $7436/mo"

No...no...no..."If You Do Not Do This I am Officially taking Away Your Ability To Complain About Not Being Able To Make Money Online."

I still don't know who you are? And when you tell me your doing something official, you haven't proven to me you have the authority to do something official.

But that's just the half of it...you aren't selling the benefits or the dream, and dropping this bomb where someone should be entranced by your copy is not a good idea.

I would recommend taking them somewhere, transporting them into the future, giving them examples of the benefits people who've bought into this are now enjoying.

Personally I try to avoid harsh scary bombs in stuff like this. Really, in my experience, scary bombs go at the beginning "problem" phase. Of course there are exceptions but rule of thumb, push with fear, pull with hope.

I think this is too "You" oriented, and by you, I don't mean you the reader, I mean you.

This statement is not a good attempt at creating urgency "This Opportunity Is So Full Of Content And So full Of One On One Help That Everyone I Know Is Begging Me To Pull It Off The Market"...and I'll tell you why.

Again, the problem with this is credibility. There is nothing in this copy that makes me believe what you have to say.

Beside that benefits are lacking and even in the stories about the gurus, none of the claims are substantiated.

Hope that helps. D

I think you need to atleast pick up a few books on writing copy - at the very minimum, follow a template to get the structure right.

You don't have credibility, you're asking people to just trust you... take travlinguy's advice and write an authentic story on your success, where you're at now, and add the proof to back it up.

I think this is a do over.

The guru bashing thing is getting old too lol... maybe throw it in somewhere later but the introduction isn't very convincing...

"The problem is not the people, the problem is the guru's that know how to do this stuff want to closely guard it so no one except their friends gets the real information."

Dean

Your sentences seem to ramble on and on. I would say you might want to hire somebody to get this rewritten in a readable format. It needs to be more on the point and punchy (is that a word?)

"I am a successful full time internet marketer, I have no other job and I live a very nice lifestyle."

That one sentence is the entire extent of credibility you present in the salespage.

There's no point in 'working' on the page. I would hire a copywriter and have her/him start over.
_____
Bruce