Critique My "Hypnotic" Sales Letter

I thought you could labor the pain felt slightly more, really drill it home the worst case scenario of losing everything. Agitate it massively...

"Imagine the look in your spouses face, the shock, the despair, the horror as the realization hits home. And worst of all the silence. After all... what words could possibly fill this... this financial abyss?

Imagine the look of dismay on your children's faces when you tell them in tears they'll be no vacation or christmas or birthday presents this year."


Etc etc...

Couple of very minor typo's, other than that, very good. Like it.

Best of luck with it Matt!


Pete Walker

Matt, you've got some awesome chops!

The only thing I want to nitpick is that there's no specificity in the headline... yes, you say what you're offer is going to do, but I think you could explain what the consequences are for not taking care of issues like chargebacks, and shady customers. The body copy is strong, but you could be a little clearer about what exactly your offer is going to be about before leading in.

You could also add some extra elements like a risk reversal, scarcity of some sort, and a bonus.

Great effort though

Ansar

There's a spot where you repeat "Everything you need to know" 5 times in a row without a break. That ruined the flow for me and interjected a pause strong enough have me switch back to this tab to note it for you. There's no reason to repeat "Everything you need to know" in each bullet point.

I agree with a previous comment that you need multiple calls to action and offers to buy BEFORE the end of the article.

One good place to put your first offer would be right after Pete's suggested improvement to the painful picture you are painting.

Adding some testimonials would be great - especially from people that you have seen "lose it all" and then people who had their asses saved thanks to your product.

Ross nailed it, as always... but I'm gonna add something further...

Why you?

What makes you someone with advice I should follow - or even listen to?

What's your story? What, if anything, gives you the edge needed to get the drop on these wannabe cyber-bullies?

I think Ross' lead idea is awesome... and of course I'd run with it and paint a picture of these people as fraudsters jealous that you're making something of yourself.

I'd also change the opening to perhaps speak to moderately successful marketers as well as broke ones. You can use their perception of themselves as persuasion - once you establish they're successful (even if they haven't made a lot of money yet), and successful marketers don't let (your product price) stand in the way of bulletproofing their entire business from disgruntled assholes... you're home and hosed.

Just some big picture stuff, because the writing ain't bad at all.

-Daniel

Hello,

I'm Daniel Sells. The product owner. First I want to say thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. I don't think there has ever been a "perfect" sales letter but with your help we are getting really darn close. So Thank You.

One of the suggestions was to add a bit more of a scare. Pete you did an amazing job at this. I added the entire section to the page. It was just that good. Thank You

There is also a post about the "Everything you need to know...." repeated 5 times. I agree. It's been changed to a more natural flow. Thanks for pointing that out.

Ross mentioned changing the product title to "Income Self-Defense For The Digital Marketer." I think I'm going to test it and see what the results are. Great idea Ross.

Ewen had tons of great ideas. Thank You Ewen. The one I like the most is the you have 3 options idea.

Today, I have a slightly different version of the sales letter. I've used a sorta "shock and ...what?" technique a few times by starting off with something totally ... strange and I've decided to try this here too. After you read just a few words you'll know what I'm talking about.

Will you please take a moment to review the current version of the site?

Death By Digital Product - SITE LINK

Thanks,
Daniel

P.S. Yes my real name is Daniel Sells

Hi Pete -

I think Daniel wanted to try out some stuff in the version he linked. I've seen it before and while I think the socks thing is clever, it's a little too cutesy for my taste. Nothing wrong with experimenting though.

I'd like to chop the pitch in half, lay it out with some great bullets on a nice single page design with some pics of Daniel and his team "in action".

Maybe save the stories for an e-mail.

Thanks again for your thoughts!

Steve, I think Harlan is critiquing this because he specializes in NLP copywriting... I have not studied his work or NLP in depth yet, but I know the rules are a little different.

From a non-NLP stand point, I think it does a decent job, apart from the few minor flaws that are going to be ironed out.

So no, this doesn't make classic copywriting "old hat"

Ansar

Was not hypnotic - but it did put me to sleep. Too long.

Why not put all that info into a VIDEO broken up with
images and shots of you talking - so it is not such a CHORE
to read it? Get your relationship developed with the buyer.

Harlan, I'm sure it will work much better if he follows your system to the T... but I don't think it's "awful" lol...

Guess we'll just have to wait and see the results to judge.

Ansar

I would not recommend you spend any money to drive traffic to either page.

Both versions need a lot of work before they are ready.
(I will focus my critiques on the 2nd version)

There is one common mistake that appears everywhere in your copy.
It is too wordy. Too many words that are trying to be clever or dazzle.(whether you realize it or not)

Take following sentence.

"Forced to watch as their businesses, once flying high, stall and begin irreversible, agonizing death spirals and eventually crash and burn."

That's a lot of words - and they are not needed.

"They're out there. The scoundrels. The more successful you become, the more of them you’ll come across. The more they will try to get their hooks into you. The more they will try to tear apart everything you’ve built."

You never really paint a solid picture of who "they" are. Rotten apples, scoundrels, corporate automatons. But these are all way to vague.

"The absolute best way to combat attempts by clueless corporate automatons and dishonest consumers to seize your money and destroy your business is to operate from a position of strength. "

That is one sentence. Also it doesn't make any sense. It is also vague and doesn't even really say anything.

Mistakes like these, in my eyes, nearly define this piece.

Onward...

Also how come the beginning of your copy is geared towards aspiring marketers.
You do all this fancy nlp stuff, to make them imagine the day they finally achieve success.
But then you are selling a product that protects an established business.
What would a struggling up and comer who hasn't made it yet. Need to worry about
"Can I protect my business, my family, myself from this financial nightmare?
The answer is a resounding, definite YES! And I'll tell you how.
The absolute best way to combat attempts by clueless corporate automatons and dishonest consumers to seize your money and destroy your business is to operate from a position of strength. "


Can you see how backwards this is?

But here's a little gem I found buried in your copy.

"
Think about this –
It takes just one disgruntled customer, one bad apple, one rotten, low down, dirty liar to flatten in a matter of minutes what’s taken you years to build."


This is pretty close to the heart of your offer isn't it? Stopping this from happening?


Imagine if your opening was something like this...


"Dear Internet Business Owner...


Did you know? It takes only one unhappy customer complaint to the FTC - to cause the FTC to shut you down entirely?



To shut down your sites.
To... (Some other terrible thing)
And even drain your bank accounts?

This all because of lopsided consumer protection laws. That do nothing to protect you. And will shut your business down in a heartbeat.


It's true - here's what the official FTC says


"(Find legal and official stats that demonstrate this)..."


But here's a way to protect yourself blah blah blah.


Gets straight to the point, etc.

Hi Andy,

Appreciate your comments. Your points about "vagueness" are well-taken, as are the comments about "wordiness/verbosity" and "cleverness".

Just as previously mentioned by Ross Bowring and a few others, you've identified that the true target for the product is, to borrow a term, "buried within the copy".

On a side note, I read your WSO sales pitch. I like it.

While I haven't studied John Carlton and others you mentioned, save trying to put this piece together last week, I can see their effect in your work.

(There seem to be a common set of copywriter phrases, one-liners and transitions that I should pick up / memorize.)

The comments here have been fantastically insightful.

(The folks who call you all stuck-up, classless slugs have got it all wrong.)

This process has led to a discovery of living copywriters, both here and elsewhere, who's work I admire. (Ben Settle, in particular, rocks.)

Thanks again Andy!

P.S. You are correct about this sentence not making sense:

"The absolute best way to combat attempts by clueless corporate automatons and dishonest consumers to seize your money and destroy your business is to operate from a position of strength."

At first glance, it sorta makes sense. However, pulling out the phrases, prepositional and otherwise, and leaving object and action to stand alone, as one ought when checking for clarity, you get:

"The absolute best way is [to operate]."

Nice catch.

Harlan,

typical dorkish behavior.
This fellow looks up to you so you rip him apart?

You have a very questionable reputation to begin with so you would think it is really something when someone actually looks up to you and tries to write a decent letter.

But what else can you expect from you right?
-WD