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Need Critique on a very short (and hopefully sweet) salespage

by BizBooks
12 replies
PayPal MassPay Guide

I really would like to get the sales page finished today--

this is an ebook that is short, sweet, and to the point.


Is My Headline Good?

What parts should I focus on first?
#critique #salespage #short #sweet
  • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
    Here are some thoughts:
    I would use your How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use! Statement as your main headline. This is honest and compelling, and easier to understand than If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading...

    And you could combine "Dear Friend" and "Do you use Paypal?" into one more concise greeting: "Dear PayPal User". Questions are always tricky and don't seem to work very well here. Remember, you don't want your words to get in the way of your message.

    "Is PayPal Too Expensive? paypal mass pay guide book
    Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much?
    It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off." Is a good button to push, but you need to present it a bit more compellingly. More like Cut Paypal costs and prevent paypal from eating into your profits - put a specific chart/statistic or proof of some sort here.

    Hope this helps!
    Dot
    Signature

    "Sell the Magic of A Dream"
    www.DP-Copywriting-Service.com

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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks


    Are You a PayPal Sucker?
    Do You Pay PayPal Fees Through The Nose?

    STOP PAYING THOSE CRAZY PAYPAL FEES RIGHT NOW!!



    Dear Warrior,


    Do You Use PayPal?

    Do you really know how much you lose on PayPal transactions ?

    Is it 5%, 10%... or even more?


    PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, taking Fat Commissions of Every Dollar You Work So Hard to Earn.

    Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much?


    It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off.



    Knowledge is power!

    This Report will save you tons of money in PayPal fees, Keeping that cash in Your pocket instead of handing it over to "Uncle PayPal".


    As an entrepreneur, you can save hundreds of $$$ on these paypal fees if you implement the method outlined in the book.

    I Personally Guarantee your satisfaction, or will return your money Immediately!


    Only $7.00
    Buy Resale Rights for $49.00

    (No moneyback guarantee on resale rights, obviously. You can take a horse to water, but you can't force him to drink.)


    Buy The Report Now For $7



    P.S. Buy Now. You Will Benefit From This Report On The Very Next Paypal You Send!

    P.P.S. The Report price for will not be staying at $7. Don't be surprised if you find this offer closed in the near future.


    Buy The Report Now For $7



    If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading...


    Uncle PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, Shaving a Fat Cut of Every Single Cent You Are Working So Hard to Earn.


    With this Guide, this will NOT be an obstacle any more.

    Buy The Report Now For $7



    How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!





    And as a Special Bonus, you Will Learn the Secret of How To Withdraw Money From PayPal without a bank account attached!





    New Years Double Extra Bonus: contact paypal report

    There is a low-key- Three Page Special Bonus Report You Will be Downloading As well. This bonus, if you ever need it, (you probably will at some point-- if you are using Paypal successfully!) is something to keep in your computer desk draw.




    Buy The Report Now For $7



    Backed By Our 100% Money-Back Guarantee

    Buy The Report Now For $7



    Want Resale Rights To This Product?

    A Total of 10 Resale Licenses Being Sold! $47 Each!



    Many PayPal Users, even longtime users, are not aware of this feature or think you need to pay 1,000 people to utilize the MassPay feature because of which they will be losing tons of money every single day.

    They are truly leaving money on the table

    Don't be that kind of person. Stop Losing to PayPal, i can assure you they won't get hurt from that lose, they have many more suckers who still pay the full scaled fees    .


    How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!



    Only $7.00
    Buy Resale Rights for $49.00


    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    You downplay the bonus and talk about it as though it's a diseased step child. Describe it in juicy detail and you add massive value to the main offer. Good Luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author kctang
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      You downplay the bonus and talk about it as though it's a diseased step child. Describe it in juicy detail and you add massive value to the main offer. Good Luck!

      LOL.

      He's right, though. Your copy there is too 'shy'.
      If you don't talk with confidence, how will you customer feel confident
      that this bonus is any good?

      Of course, don't overdo the confidence thing... too much IM is the
      opposite of what you wrote.
      (ie BUY NOW! GET RICH THROUGH THE ROOOF!!!OMG!!!!)
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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
    The cherry-on-top bonus that i'm including with this offer is startlingly simple-- yet worth its weight in gold.

    What Is It? its the ways to reach an actual, bona fide, USA or UK based human being at PayPal. with the huge amount of calls being outsourced to a third party company in india, and the difficulty in finsing live, working telephone numbers for PayPal, any serious Internet-using business needs to keep this bonus in your computer desk drawer.
    Signature

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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Heres your headlline (buried halfway down your page):

      How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!

      Tweak and play around with that, and you've got a headline that will keep a prospect reading.
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      • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
        Originally Posted by Collette View Post

        Heres your headlline (buried halfway down your page):

        How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!

        Tweak and play around with that, and you've got a headline that will keep a prospect reading.

        Yep, like I said... it's a wonderful headline.
        Signature

        "Sell the Magic of A Dream"
        www.DP-Copywriting-Service.com

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        • Profile picture of the author Collette
          Hey Dot - Sorry, didn't mean to steal your thunder. I didn't realize you'd given bizbooks that line. I went straight to the current page and commented.

          And, ya... like you said, that's the headline right there.
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  • Profile picture of the author Puusep
    Hey,

    You could also write something what this ebook includes. And only 7$ for this ebook sounds cheap. If I were you, I'd ask at least 15$ for this investment. And also, algin the text better, try put it in the centre, makes easyer to read and overall converter better.

    Regards
    Martin
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  • Profile picture of the author UnityinAustralia
    I agree (Pussep). $7 makes it sound like you wanna get rid of it, like it's not worth it. if you promise to save us heaps of money, why not ask for something more?

    I tend to phase out 'screaming' headlines and sales hype. I use paypal to receive subscription payments and they do take a commission, but I don't see them as a massive enemy ripping me off. it's more of a tiny irritation, so I feel that most of the statements about paypal are grossly exaggerated.
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    • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
      Are You a PayPal Sucker?
      Do You Pay PayPal Fees Through The Nose?
      How to Save a Small fortune in PayPal Fees using a little understood technique that's oh-so-easy to use!




      Dear Warrior,


       Do You Use PayPal?

      Do you really know how much you lose on PayPal transactions ?

       Is it 5%, 10%... or even more?

      PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, taking Fat Commissions of Every Dollar You Work So Hard to Earn.



      Does PayPal Eat into Your Profits Too Much?


      It's no fun to see several percent of every payment shaved off.



      Knowledge is power!
      This Report will save you tons of money in PayPal fees, Keeping that cash in Your pocket instead of handing it over to "Uncle PayPal".

      As an entrepreneur, you can save hundreds of $$$ on these paypal fees if you implement the method outlined in the book.

      I Personally Guarantee your satisfaction, or will return your money Immediately!



      (No moneyback guarantee on resale rights, obviously. You can take a horse to water, but you can't force him to drink.)

      Resale Rights are Only Being Made Available To Warriors
      P.S. Buy Now. You Will Benefit From This Report On The Very Next Paypal You Send!

      P.P.S. The Report price for will not be staying at $7. Don't be surprised if you find this offer closed in the near future.


      If You are Willing to Spend $7.00 to stop throwing $100 bills into PayPal's coffers, Keep on Reading...
      Uncle PayPal is The "Silent Partner" In Your Business, Shaving a Fat Cut of Every Single Cent You Are Working So Hard to Earn.


      With this Guide, this will NOT be an obstacle any more.


      How to save a small fortune in PayPal transaction fees using a little understood technique that's so easy to use!



      And We Do Not Stop There...

      BONUS ALERT!

      We Will Give You an Absolutely Must Know Secret Of How To Withdraw Money From Paypal Without Having a Bank Account Attached!

      Still Not Convinced ?

      FAST ACTION BONUS II ALERT!

      I Am Adding Yet Another Bonus For The First 30!

      HOW TO CONTACT A LIVE, PAYPAL REPRESENTATIVE (U.S.A. AND U.K.)

      (not an outsourced fellow from an Indian firm that has no authority to help you!)

      This Bonus, If You Need It, (And You Will At Some Point, if You Are Using Paypal Successfully!) is Something To Keep In Your Computer Desk Drawer.


      Want Resale Rights To This Product?

      Buy Resale Rights for $49.00


      Resale Rights are Only Being Made Available To Warriors

      Many PayPal Users, even longtime users, are not aware of this feature or think you need to pay 1,000+ people to utilize the MassPay feature because of which they will be losing tons of money every single day.

      They are truly leaving money on the table!

      Don't be that kind of person. Stop Losing to PayPal, i can assure you they won't get hurt from that lose, they have many more suckers who still pay the full scaled fees      .
      STOP PAYING
      THOSE       CRAZY       PAYPAL FEES
      RIGHT NOW!!



      Buy For $7.00
      Buy Resale Rights for $49.00
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
    Thanks for all the wonderful feedback.

    I will raise the price to $10+ after it goes live (i cant change it until the mods approve the wso). I assume ill have a few sales at $7 before i change the price--- but i will definatly change it based on your advice.

    thank you so much y'all! wish me luck on the WSO!

    (P.S. i'll delete this thread when the WSO goes live. thanks!)
    Signature

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