I need a critique of my first example copywriting.

by devonm
10 replies
my sample copywriting
Need $200 TONIGHT?

  • Owe a friend for gas?
  • Need to get a gift?
  • Want that game console tomorrow?
  • Need that thank you bouquet for the co worker tomorrow?

We all get into these scrapes where we need a quick injection of cash very quickly. You can use my tips to raise quick cash online into YOUR Paypal overnight.

No need to sell all of your stuff on Ebay.
No need for SPAM and scams.

Learn a secret method that will get MONEY into your PAYPAL by morning!

End of example.

Please critique. I didn't add product as no such product exists. I just wanted to see if this was the Sizzle, or the steak part.
#copywriting #critique
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews

    Words are not enough.
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    • Profile picture of the author devonm
      As in good or bad?
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        You must be the judge of that.

        What do you think?
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCW
    devonm you have a lot to learn.
    I'd suggest you start some of the classic books.

    Site being revamped.

    If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.


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  • Profile picture of the author EricMN
    So far you're not selling me anything, just creating a value and a list of things I don't have to do (which I wouldn't be doing anyways) and things that $200 can give me.

    There's no product and/or no service. There's no focus. I read it and go, "Oh, okay."

    Maybe try picking a product or service to do it with and then do some reading in the line of extracting USP's and real benefits. Then articulating them in a way that creates an urgent need to acquire. Keep your audience in mind and what THEY want, not obligatory points whose benefit is uncertain.

    That and picking up a few books/doing some browsing regarding CW technique and example wouldn't hurt.
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  • Profile picture of the author om4457
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    • Profile picture of the author devonm
      Originally Posted by om4457 View Post

      Here, I composed something for you on the fly, check for grammar and it will also need proper formatting. Add/remove stuff if needed. This is just an idea, not a copy:

      Now picture you are watching your life in a time machine about life, going from past to present, and to the very near future...

      Visualize this scene as imagination or reality because tomorrow, at the very first hour of the sunrise, you can surprisingly discover that $200.00 was deposited into your PayPal account...

      Yes, that's right. Use all of your senses to create that image because then, it will be YOUR job to decide what to do with the money you feel you desperately need right now.

      As you deeper and deeper start to experience the exciting feeling of getting $200.00 by the first hour of the sunrise tomorrow, allow your mind to be open to several questions, that you have asked yourself, several times already:

      - Wouldn't it be amazing to finally relieve the mental pressure off your shoulders by filling a tank of gas that you owe to your friend?

      - Or maybe experience a well deserved joy when you give a beautiful bouquet of red roses with strong smell of passion for the co worker tomorrow?

      THIS: is beautiful! I am a greenie at copywriting, so my part was a half ***ed crack, just an intro
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      • Profile picture of the author Tiffiney Cowan
        I actually liked the original sample better than the one posted by om4457. It was quick, to the point and didn't make me work all that hard to connect with why I might need some quick cash.

        I read these tips in another formum this morning: show a need, show a solution, show why the prospect should buy from you.

        Devonm got me to see my need and got me interested in what his solution is - a good start.
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        • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews

          How serious are you about this?

          Do you really want an honest opinion on your above 'sales copy'?

          You're not going to learn this skill from a bunch of obvious newbies.

          How about if you pull up a sales letter from anywhere online, your choice, post up the link to it below and tell us why you love the piece and why it works in your opinion. Dissect it, tell us in your own words...

          ...why this particular piece you've chosen works for you, starting from the preheader all the way down to the direct call to action and the final PS point.

          There's your task for the day.

          When you're ready to... post it up and your analysis below or if you'd rather, pm me with the information and I'll maybe give you some of my time and experience to help you out. But... do choose carefully.

          Looking forward to seeing what you can come up with.


          Pete Walker
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    • Profile picture of the author Ansar Pasha
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      • Profile picture of the author om4457
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  • Profile picture of the author lame123
    Well like the abstract way of writing, it would be great if you can point out your best efforts and facts..
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  • Profile picture of the author wvcopywriter
    Too me it was the same old sales approach I see all the time... it gets boring after reading these types all the time. Make it different. Imagine yourself as the prospect, would you check it out after reading this promo? Sometime writing copy can be very challenging but you can do it. Narrow down who you are writing to and put yourself into their shoes.

    Don't have the time to write emails that will get opened, read and your reader to take action then leave me a message. I will get back to you within 48 hrs.

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  • Profile picture of the author om4457
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