Do I need to fire this copywriter?

The headline is a bloody mess!

The first sentence is embarrassing.

If the method is about the mental body or "mindset," give the reader something tangible to instill within them how a simple shift of their thoughts can create an immediate reprieve.

You can even say that "your thoughts quite literally weigh you down and distort how you perceive your own body...

...What would it feel like if you accepted yourself, as you are, right now... without trying to change anything about the way you look?

Can you feel how you feel lighter already?"

I don't know... something to communicate how powerful the mind is in creating the experience we have with our bodies.

Of course, I only read the first sentence, so I might be way off.

The bottom line is...

...Whatever you're paying your copywriter is too much.

I assume you thought you could create a high-conversions letter for $300?

By the way, you need to fix your header and graphics.

Yes. Yes you do.

This is not so good. Personally, I don't like the overly long sales letters. I know that it might be effective in some cases, but not here.

The sentences are run-ons. One after another. Or at least the sentences are too long without proper punctuation.

Many of the sentences are salvageable through a complete rewrite process.

Also, add some pictures. The site is just one big text block. Maybe add a few videos as well.

I agree with Killer Sales Writer on the opening quote. You have: "The Real Reason Why Diets Don’t Work and How an Easy Healthy Alternative Will Help You Eat Less, Enjoy Food More and Lose Weight Starting From This Lunch..."

I would write something such as: "Learn the #1 Secret How an Easy, Healthy Alternative Will Allow You to Lose Weight NOW." OK, that is probably too long too. Still, something readable.

More or less, the Sales letter sounds like it was written by a non-native English speaker.

Good luck! Lutzi

One other thing. Mental Weight Loss sounds more like a meditation program.

i'd fire your design while your at it...

I got confused by the headline and decided to just skim the rest...I imagine that a potential customer wouldn't stick around to decipher it!

Either get rid of your copywriter or maybe even get them to fix it for free??

The headline is extremely clumsy and even though the 'urgency' factor is there, it is hard to follow.

Good use of a personalised story...perhaps get a Before and After photo for the page to add a bit of credibility on a more personal level.

Also, the massive chunky green column down the right hand side needs to go. Replace it with a more subtle colour and centralise the text!
Hope this helps,
Good luck!

Your question is very interesting. You didn't ask us to critique the letter, you asked whether the copywriter should be fired...

That says to me that you are already so unhappy with the copy, you're thinking it may be beyond hope to work with this person. Maybe you're second guessing yourself because you're not a copywriter? I can get that, especially if you're new to IM. But I can tell you this...from my experience, when clients get good copy back, they're excited.

Oh, sometimes they may have little dithers with this or that (especially if they're new to direct response copy), but overall, they get excited about their product or service all over again while reading through the copy.

If that's not happening here, you've pretty much answered your own question.

And yes, someone will probably post a story about a client who was totally wrong but the copywriter convinced them to run something they hated and it worked like gangbusters. Carlton has a story like that with a sex ad for I believe for Rodale. But in general, I bet you have a better chance of getting a social security check in 20 years than having that happen to you. LOL

And if you're close to your own target market (you never ARE your target market IMO, but that's another post altogether LOL) and you're not feeling it at all from your copy... trust your instincts, you need a new copywriter.

If you paid him more than $50, then yea, you didn't get your monies worth.

It's a dog with fleas, starting with the headline.

People don't want to pay to LEARN HOW to be skinny
People don't want to pay to LEARN WHY they are fat.

People want to be instantly perfect.

So .... in keeping with the above ....

Find a local gym in your area.
Host a CONTEST for finding "The Biggest Looser"type transformation
- someone with PHOTOS of what they looked like before and who
looks AMAZING now. Pay them a PERCENTAGE of your sales for use
of their photos - and - maybe a video from them introducing the NEW offer ...

==================

Before Photo | After Photo

TIRED OF BEING FAT LIKE I WAS?

IN JUST 5 DAYS
YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY TO
AN AMAZING WEIGHT LOSS
THE HEALTHY WAY!

GO TO THE NEXT PAGE FOR THE FIRST STEP!

Maybe you should.


The problems:–


1. The headline’s too long and it doesn’t speak to me.


2. There’s no second headline.


3. There’s not a single “you” used in the first two paragraphs.


In the first few paragraphs the writer needs to make it all about the reader (create a rapport) and that hasn’t been done. After that the writer can talk about himself and...


I didn’t want to read it after that.


The White Paper Blog


mitt@imittcopy.com

Wow! Absolute worst I've ever seen. So many things wrong just between the top of the letter and "Dear friends"

Wow...

A firing is certainly warranted. Hell... a shooting might even be acceptable in this case.

Val,

I actually was drawn in by the story of the Asian gentleman who became the "mentor." However, this theme got lost later and I did not see any attempt to establish credibility by capitalizing on the story.

I would like to hear that Das's wisdom is part of a thousand-year tradition that has kept ordinary people - not just yogis - in shape in his home country.

I would also like to see reference to the ancient origin of your method in the headline.

Dan Kennedy often talks about one of his clients who had huge success in the cosmetic field applying so-called secret ancient Chinese formulas for youthful skin. Unfortunately I can't remember the name of that product or company.

Are you British or Canadian? If not, make sure you hire someone who uses American English next time.

Marcia Yudkin

I wouldn't want to read that, because no offense but the overall design looks horrible. Go get some professional templates and start working from then on. That is, if you want for people to start taking you seriously.

Nothing in my opinion is speaking to the potential customer.
There's no social proof. No connection to the reader what so
ever. I couldn't read past the first three paragraphs.

I would also go with redesigning that website as well. If you'd like,
I can message you the website.

The weight loss industry is a 800 pound silver-back guerrilla... You need to
treat your sales message that way if you'd like a piece of that $586BILLION dollar
cake.

Best Regards,
Tony

I didn't think it was bad for a very rough first draft, but it was full of grammatical errors, and was a bit too lengthy.
If it was me and I had already paid for the work, I would let this writer go and hire someone with a tad more experience to hammer this one into something less lengthy and rephrase most of it.
I would redesign the site as well, it seems very "cold" and just screams "I don't care if your struggling with your weight, just buy my product."
But I tend to look at things in a very personal way.

As regards to the 'website' I mentioned earlier in the post. I was
referring to plusminisites.com Their the best in my opinion when
it comes to minisite designs.

Best Regards,
Copywriting Tony

Let me point out that your site is ILLEGAL.

Please check the FTC regulations on Weight Loss Advertising.

I think you're going to run into some trouble with this section of the copy:

It looks like your copywriter has the basic rhythm of the sales letter down. However, the headline is a mess. Also, he shouldn't use blue as the color to emphasize words. 14 or 16 pt Georgia, bold and red, would stand out more. Finally, there doesn't seem to be a sense of urgency in the calls to action. Hope this helps.

Last time I checked, "forgiveness" wasn't on the menu at the FTC.