Critique My WSO sales-copy

Hey, it doesn't look that bad to me ! Maybe you could use a little bolder kind of font for the main text ? Maybe leaving lesser space between the paragraphs ?

Pictures are o k and adds some humour ! But you will get more tweaking tips from more experienced warrior then me ! Take care

Ps just saw this for you ! : http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...s-newbies.html

The headline is incredible and the copy is pretty good. You got me very interested in the product.

One thing that I don't like is it has a magic bullet feel to it with things like "the four hour week people talk about" and the very conventional format for sales letters (not $X, not $Y, not even $Z, only $...). I will admit that the magic bullet copywritting makes sales, but I'm not a fan of it.

I would take out "Peruvian" haha.

-Chris

Hi Don,

Your copy rambles on aimlessly.

You were doing well in the beginning, but right after the story about your crappy car and apartment, things fell apart.

The cold, hard truth is that nobody cares that you missed a soccer game. (If that's your biggest problem, you're not going to get much sympathy.)

Your prospect ONLY cares about what you can do for them.

But you gloss right over that... which makes me feel like you're trying to trick the prospect. And that's bad. Because it will cause a red flag to start waving in their mind.

Instead of explaining the stuff your prospect REALLY wants and needs to know (in order to make a buying decision), you then continue to drone on about who it's not for, some fake price scarcity, and the guarantee.

The result: FAIL.

Your sales letter should go like this:

1) Start with a compelling headline. (I see that you borrowed Robert Allen's famous headline.)
2) Here's my crappy life. (You did this well.)
3) Here's what I discovered that turned my life around.
4) Here's proof and/or an example of my system and how it works.
5) Here's my irresistible offer to you.

You've got a good start, but don't try to trick people and don't try to get fancy. That's not what good copywriting is about.

Good luck,

John

P.S. I'm sure you weren't really trying to trick your prospects. But it "feels" that way. And, if it seems like it, perception then becomes reality.

You need to read what ewenmack said again - that's exactly what I thought.

Your story is not bad - you need to wrap it up faster.


You also have to include more references to the reader - instead of "So I decided to do something about it" say something like "Would you have gone this far just to...."

You don't like the magic pill feel? GET OVER IT RIGHT NOW! You must learn to love the magic pill if you want to write good copy.

At the end of the day, 99.9% of people buy simply because they are convinced your product is a magic pill for a particular problem. No matter how sophisticated we are.

This doesn't mean you should lie. When I buy a product from someone like Dan Kennedy, I know it will take hard work to get result. But still, he presents in a way that makes it easier to swallow.

Nevertheless, get more specific. Demonstrate and PROVE that your method works. "Hype alone doesn't a product sell" (a very wise man )

Would a screencast of the software help?

I could probably just set this baby working today and pull a new client by tomorrow...

Could I maybe just do some sort of live case study.

EVERY time I have used videos my conversions have suffered.

So i'm not sure what to do, but the ideas and guidance here are helping me a lot.

If I do the screencast it kinda gives way the farm.

*EDITED PRODUCT DETAILS


It seems that the software is a stronger selling point, but the real value is the approach.....and that's what I want to shine through, but am struggling to make that happen.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone.

-don

I think your sales copy is not to the point.
People don't have to read aimless text. Keep the sales copy short and to-the-point.



- Steve