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Critique my writing please

by JamesJeffery
11 replies
I've put together 250 odd words for the front page on my personal site which offers SEO to local business. I need some feedback on the writing. The front page text is merely a quick introduction of what we do. The other 3 pages offer more detail and I will include links in the front page text to those pages when they are done.

The text is on the front page here West Midlands SEO | Search Engine Optimization for Local Businesses

It will have a custom design, waiting on the designer.
#critique #writing
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    Lead with a promise...

    ...what will you do for them.

    And how this will benefit them.

    And why they should listen to you.

    Leave the welcome signs for state lines.
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  • Profile picture of the author doingwrite
    Agree with OutofThisWord.

    West Midlands SEO will increase your traffic and sales!
    And don't say things like "if you should choose to." Say "When you..."

    More self-esteem in the copy needed.
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    • Profile picture of the author donaldwilson
      TRY THIS...

      HEADLINE: Want To Rank In Google's Top Ten?

      Marketing your company online is hard at best.

      And it's painfully obvious that nobody uses the phone book anymore.

      So i'm sure that you'd agree that being found on the internet is more important today than it has ever been before.


      ...

      ...

      ...




      hopefully that will give you some sort of idea where to start.

      if you can you would probably want to phrase the copy in a problem-solution format.

      point out there problem (not getting customers) and then tell them how you can solve that problem

      don't tell them about your product or service

      tell them how your service will solve their problems

      in full disclosure I didn't read much of the copy....I read the first couple sentences and ran away.

      I'm not a copywriter, so please do take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

      -don


      P.S. always remember that the point of copy is to get you to read the next work then the next and the next and then take some sort of an action. That's it.

      P.P.S. put sub-headlines in there for skimmers

      P.P.P.S. try and keep lines at the beginning short and try and get people subconsciously thinking to themselves YES as they read along your copy.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi James,

        1. I would study the competition and their offerings for the keyword "SEO Midlands" or "SEO West Midlands". See who you're up against and what they're saying about themselves,

        2. I think you need a stronger USP, a stronger initial offer, and a stronger call-to-action. I'm NOT talking about being hypey. I'm talking about communicating in such a way as to prove beyond question, you have the goods and can prove it on demand.

        3. It would be useful to have a opt-in box or an exit pop-up, that would allow you to collect names and begin building a list. Make sure it is located "above the fold."

        Good luck with your endeavor,

        - Rick Duris

        PS: One more thing you can do is to post up your request for a critique on the Offline Marketing part of the Warrior Forum. They're a lot more targeted about offline businesses than on this sub-forum.
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        • Profile picture of the author JamesJeffery
          Thank you for the critique. All points taken. I'll give it another shot tomorrow.

          I've actually got some copywriting DVDs that I ought to finish watching and take some notes.

          Again, the comments are much appreciated.
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          • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
            Originally Posted by JamesJeffery View Post

            Thank you for the critique. All points taken. I'll give it another shot tomorrow.

            I've actually got some copywriting DVDs that I ought to finish watching and take some notes.

            Again, the comments are much appreciated.

            Hi James,

            A couple of ideas...

            1. Get a video done. Something classy and ultra-professional, yet touches the local business owner.

            2. You may want to consider thinking about your website as part of a marketing PROCESS.

            Maybe you can create a newletter you drip on business owners every month which trains them in how to leverage SEO, mobile, Google Places, etc...

            Or set-up a phone consult with a business owner--do the reasearch ahead of time how you would improve. Be prepared to close the deal on the first call...

            Or do monthly technical seminars designed for MANAGEMENT to get their hands around the technology...

            Or create course where they can "do SEO themselves" (obviously up to a certain point).


            - Rick Duris

            PS: James, this is not me guessing whether sharing SEO business-building ideas with prospects would work. I support a FEW different SEO businesses oriented towards local businesses in the US. And I can tell you they do. There are some nuances, but those are easily acquired, assuming you've got the SEO chops.

            You'll find, business owners are EAGER for help. And the company that steps forward will find more than enough business to grow themselves.

            Good Luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author MarkJones
    Hey James,

    I agree with what Rick is saying above.. With there being so many other SEO companies out there you need a hook or a angle to set up above the rest.. a free ecourse or "how to" PDF is what most other SEO's give away to get leads in the door, try and take a different approach, be unique and you'll get a better result.

    Mark
    Signature
    Million Dollar ClickBank Report - How I Do 7 Figures Outsite the IM Niche
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  • Profile picture of the author BlairBarnes
    I agree with everything that has been said. I have just done a free report, specific to the local business that I am trying to sell with an analysis of their site for seo etc...and the areas that could be improved. I give it to them inperson and it has all my contact info etc...kinda like a giant business card. It is so easy to rank for local stuff it is great.
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    • Profile picture of the author JamesJeffery
      Thanks again for the comments.

      I've had a fair bit of success with local SEO. What I'd like to do now, as you can see, is promote my services.

      The free report sounds great, but then again so does the free video. And the seminar idea also sounds like something that might be worth a shot. I'm going to have to think this through properly. I'm determined to make this a success.

      This is going to take me a while I can imagine, I need to get it planned properly and evolve the idea into a business.

      Again, thank you for your time and effort in the responses. I really appreciate them.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by JamesJeffery View Post

        The free report sounds great, but then again so does the free video. And the seminar idea also sounds like something that might be worth a shot. I'm going to have to think this through properly. I'm determined to make this a success.
        Hi James,

        What I was advocating was an overarching marketing process. In a step #1, we do this... Step #2, we do that... and so on.

        Your goal is to three-fold: 1) Educate your prospect, 2) Differentiate yourself from the competition, 3) and in the process gain their trust.

        I know this all sounds like a lot of "theory," and very little specifics. But if you analyze your competition as I suggested above, you'll find lots of opportunity.

        When you analyze the competition, you're looking at various facets of their business, including:

        1. Positioning...
        2. USP...
        3. Overall Packaging of their products an services...


        The good news is that most Local SEO businesses don't have, for instance, a sales funnel. Or if they do, it looks like:

        Step #1: Wait for phone to ring
        Step #2: Meet with prospect
        Step #3: Create and send proposal
        Step #4: Close the sale

        This usually makes it very easy to dominate within a local area with competitors like that.

        What you may want to consider is hiring a marketing consultant/copywriter, Someone can collaborate with you , to help build your business. (There are a few here on this forum that can help you.)

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author JamesJeffery
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          What you may want to consider is hiring a marketing consultant/copywriter, Someone can collaborate with you , to help build your business. (There are a few here on this forum that can help you.)
          Yea you're right. It's going to be to much for me to take in and learn to go about it myself.

          Out of interest, any names that may be able to help? If not I may put up a post.
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