Could You Offer A Brutally Honest Copy Critique?

Hi Dante,
Who are you talking to? It's hard to tell. The headline is weak and does not call out to the audience.

I would recommend rewriting this as a story (or multiple stories) and replacing the headline. Make sure it addresses your target market.

Take Care,

Sanjay

I guess you want visitors to subscribe to your free newsletter, right?

If so, just eliminate the entire sales letter until you come to the ivory colored box on the bottom, "
"Request For Free Information"

...and just improve the copy in that box. The sales letter above just rambles on..
_____
Bruce

Hi! I found it hard to understand what product you were offering in the headline. If you can be more specific, it may entice the readers to read more so that you can get a lot of subscribers for your site. I also found it very lenghthy. Good luck!

Bruce and Sanjay make excellent points - you need to be clear about what you're offering, or at least what benefit the reader will get from reading your sales copy.

And after reading it myself - the biggest problem that's killing your copy is you don't sound sure of what you're offering.

The general idea seems to be "How to not let your mind get in the way of your success" - and I do mean general.

Everything seems to be based and built on promises and claims with no concrete substance such as "You'll be shown the big obstacles" or "Everybody is telling you the "secrets of success." are they right or wrong".

The "Three big obstacles" idea is good, but you don't get into specifics there.

Overall, your copy suffers from 'weak language.' For example, you use "Get rid of the Hidden Constraints that hold you back. There are far more obstacles than the 3 listed above ( and honestly those 3 are pretty light compared to some of the others )."

"Honestly","pretty", and "some of the" add nothing to this sentence. They take away. They add filler to your sentences that kills the strength of your pitch and makes it look like you're grabbing for words because you're not confident about your message.

Look at this sentence without those modifiers:
"And those 3 are light compared to others"

On top of it, the formatting and design is hard on the eyes. You're not making use of subheadlines, and the flow of the copy makes me stop reading every few sentences instead of pulling me deeper.

I would suggest thinking about the direct benefits your readers will get from subscribing. Don't just make vague promises of success. Think about what they can get from you that they can't get from other success guides.

Then tell them specifically.

Danielle

Dante,

While I'm waiting for a phone call, I looked at your site. It raises a lot of questions and I think Warrior brucerby is right with his question as to what the purpose is?

What EXACTLY are you trying to do? To get people to sign up for your FREE newsletter?

It appears that is the purpose...but, I had to wade through the swamp to get there, it's hard to tell.

So, to me, that says your site is NOT focused. WHOM are you addressing? HOW do they find this site and WHY would they come there?

Think SEO, organic, OK? What would the search terms be that may lead someone to this site? WHY would they land there? What are they seeking? Wanting? Needing?

Holding me back? From what?

I did an Amazon book search..."what's holding you back"... suggest you do the same and you'll see scores of books on a SIMILAR subject...the hidden constraints thing...

Some best sellers there too.

I tell this truthfully, it was HARD for me to read the whole thing. DIFFICULT.

I think brucerby is right. Put your offer up, or use a fly in or some box sign up, to capture the email, which is apparently what you want to do.

And why TEASE for a newsletter? Why not just tell me what the 3 big obstacles are? OR tell me why success books aren't what they are cracked up to be (who's cracking them up).

My CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is you start over.

Sit down and write a letter to a friend. A friend who may be going through what you once went through...a feeling there was more to it, that you were'nt getting your fair share...but you felt something was holding you back.

Identify what it was. Tell your friend you discovered the hidden constraints you didn't even know existed and WHY they were the hidden force behind your failure...until you overcame them.

In other words, tell a personal story. OR have stories of people who have overcome their hidden constraints.

This, in my opinion, is not going to get you the results you want. Has ANYONE signed up for the SIMPLEOGY course you are really touting?

The pdf is poorly done, why not give it another go? I think with all the tools that Joyner provides for his affiliates...this attempt is unnecessary and a waste of your time. Why not just copy and paste some of his promotions?

If you have had some success with SIMPLEOLOGY, that should be story. It seems you're going around a very big bush to get to the end game.

I think a simple FREE report box will work much better than this convoluted copy you have there now. Hope you find this constructive.

gjabiz

I don't get the sense of what you're selling, offering, or trying to say in this article. The headline is vague. And, from there, I can't really get into the article at all. I think there are way too many points. Simplify it and come up with a concise message.

Hi friend,

It's definitely too much text

A useful freebie should practically sell itself. Spice it up with a few
inticing questions and bullet point the benefits of your product.

Take a look at my site in the signature (j benefits), I'm getting around
10% conversion from those 50 words or so...

My 2 cents

Zannix