Some advice would be much appreciated.

by SunshineLollipop 7 replies
I've been asked to write some copy for front page of a website. No hard sell just want to pique their interest and get them to look around, ask questions etc. and get sign ups, not try to sell direct from this page.

I'm only providing the copy, but have suggested they use attractive bullet points and a photo of the two partners or perhaps a short video.

Anyway, any advice much appreciated. Here goes:

Make Big Money From Property

Unlock the "Secret" Today

Did you know there is a group of investors who are making money
the easy way? It’s not a secret but they certainly don’t want you to hear about it!

They can be anywhere in the world - maybe sitting on beach sipping a cocktail! - and all they need to do is check their bank accounts once a month and watch the money rolling into their bank account.

Of course you’ve heard it all before…. How to become a millionaire overnight… Make money while you sleep etc. etc.

Well this is different.

It won’t happen overnight and you do have to do some work, BUT...

You WILL become wealthy and you can get to a point of having a Totally Passive Income.


Ben and I have a portfolio of more than 50 properties rented out to local authorities and all we do is check our bank account to make sure our money has arrived each month.

We did it by buying the right properties in the right place for the right authorities.

I bet you didn’t know that there are properties that councils will never take off your hands even if you offer them for £1.00!

Alternatively there are properties where some councils will pay you extra … they may even help you to refurbish them!


We’ve made the mistakes and learnt the expensive lessons, now let us teach you :

To earn maximum rental from your property with minimum risk
To avoid the common pitfalls that inexperienced investors make
Which properties make the most money and how to increase the rental value easily
To find good stable tenants on your doorstep who will give you an income for life!
How to avoid properties which will NEVER be approved
To find the councils that are waiting to give YOU money today


You could carry on renting out to people who move on leaving you with voids and the hassle of finding and vetting new tenants. Or worse - stay but don’t pay their rent!

Ben and I opted for an income for life and our portfolio is growing in value while we can relax knowing we don’t have to worry about these problems.
We worked hard to learn and we worked hard to find the right properties but we don’t work hard now.


You can:

Forget about market crashes - our tenants are not affected
Give yourself an unfair advantage over other landlords
Perform an important service to the community
Rent and forget


Join us TODAY by signing up for more information right here on this page.


George
#copywriting #advice #appreciated
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  • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
    Originally Posted by SunshineLollipop View Post

    I've been asked to write some copy for front page of a website. No hard sell just want to pique their interest and get them to look around, ask questions etc. and get sign ups, not try to sell direct from this page.

    I'm only providing the copy, but have suggested they use attractive bullet points and a photo of the two partners or perhaps a short video.

    Anyway, any advice much appreciated. Here goes:

    Make Big Money From Property

    Unlock the "Secret" Today

    Did you know there is a group of investors who are making money
    the easy way? It’s not a secret but they certainly don’t want you to hear about it!

    They can be anywhere in the world - maybe sitting on beach sipping a cocktail! - and all they need to do is check their bank accounts once a month and watch the money rolling into their bank account.

    Of course you’ve heard it all before…. How to become a millionaire overnight… Make money while you sleep etc. etc.

    Well this is different.

    It won’t happen overnight and you do have to do some work, BUT...

    You WILL become wealthy and you can get to a point of having a Totally Passive Income.


    Ben and I have a portfolio of more than 50 properties rented out to local authorities and all we do is check our bank account to make sure our money has arrived each month.

    We did it by buying the right properties in the right place for the right authorities.

    I bet you didn’t know that there are properties that councils will never take off your hands even if you offer them for £1.00!

    Alternatively there are properties where some councils will pay you extra … they may even help you to refurbish them!


    We’ve made the mistakes and learnt the expensive lessons, now let us teach you :

    To earn maximum rental from your property with minimum risk
    To avoid the common pitfalls that inexperienced investors make
    Which properties make the most money and how to increase the rental value easily
    To find good stable tenants on your doorstep who will give you an income for life!
    How to avoid properties which will NEVER be approved
    To find the councils that are waiting to give YOU money today


    You could carry on renting out to people who move on leaving you with voids and the hassle of finding and vetting new tenants. Or worse - stay but don’t pay their rent!

    Ben and I opted for an income for life and our portfolio is growing in value while we can relax knowing we don’t have to worry about these problems.
    We worked hard to learn and we worked hard to find the right properties but we don’t work hard now.


    You can:

    Forget about market crashes - our tenants are not affected
    Give yourself an unfair advantage over other landlords
    Perform an important service to the community
    Rent and forget


    Join us TODAY by signing up for more information right here on this page.


    George
    What was your question? I'm not sure what you're asking...

    Looking at that copy, I would clarify some things, because everything should be made plain for the everyday reader, and some things there don't make any sense. Like what do you mean by councils? And why are your properties only being sold to "local authorities"... do they have some type of govt program that buys police officers a place to live? That's what it sounds like...

    So yea, some clarification would be good.
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    • Profile picture of the author SunshineLollipop
      this is about local authority (council subsidised) housing. It's a scheme where the local authority rents property from private landlords and guarantees them a generous rent for a fixed period then they find tenants from their very long list. These tenants can't pay the usual market rent but because they get it for much less they tend to stay there long term. The council will pay the market rent to the landlord. It's not new and it's all legal and so on but most private landlords don't know how to approach the authorities or what sort of property they want so these guys teach them how to do it. It's a winning formula for everyone.

      The aim is ultimately to sell the training course but this is just going to be the front page of their website to encourage sign ups. The course/mentoring etc will then be sold later on by direct one to one contact.

      I just want to know if I can improve my copy to make it more compelling and maximise the sign ups
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      • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
        Ahh, I see, typically "local authorities" means local police officers, but I guess you mean like, local government... so it teaches landlords how to get the local government to rent out their properties long-term for people who want government assisted housing. Makes sense now, but still, I would clarify that in the copy...

        As far as the copy itself, it can always be improved.
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  • Profile picture of the author SunshineLollipop
    yup, thats it, local government. I'll try to make it clearer. Any other suggestions? The two guys who own this business are friends of mine but their site is really formal and pompous, full of facts and figures. Great info but soooo boring. I'm doing this to perk them up and increase sign ups but I don't want to screw them instead! I'm not really a copywriter (like you couldn't tell that!) but i used to run an internet based business so they asked what I thought of their site and of course I couldn't resist saying I could make it better so now I have to come up with something.
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    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Originally Posted by SunshineLollipop View Post

      yup, thats it, local government. I'll try to make it clearer. Any other suggestions? The two guys who own this business are friends of mine but their site is really formal and pompous, full of facts and figures. Great info but soooo boring. I'm doing this to perk them up and increase sign ups but I don't want to screw them instead! I'm not really a copywriter (like you couldn't tell that!) but i used to run an internet based business so they asked what I thought of their site and of course I couldn't resist saying I could make it better so now I have to come up with something.
      Honestly dude, I'd recommend having them hire more of a "Professional" Copywriter, your copy there has too much "room for improvement". lol No offense, of course. It's just that there's a world of difference between copy written professionally, and not written professionally (typically).
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      • Profile picture of the author SunshineLollipop
        that bad huh.
        I did suggest using a pro but they can't/won't spend any money on this, they're not convinced of the necessity. I thought if I improved it (and believe me my poor effort is still a vast improvement) and they got more sign ups then they might see the wisdom of using a pro.
        Anyway, thanks for your input. Appreciated.
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        • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
          Originally Posted by SunshineLollipop View Post

          that bad huh.
          I did suggest using a pro but they can't/won't spend any money on this, they're not convinced of the necessity. I thought if I improved it (and believe me my poor effort is still a vast improvement) and they got more sign ups then they might see the wisdom of using a pro.
          Anyway, thanks for your input. Appreciated.

          Then I wouldn't recommend wasting your time on it, your copy is probably better than what they've got, so I'd just send them that, and hope they bother to test it.
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