I developed my first info product and sales letter, input on ways to improve it are appreciated!

Hi Tim,

Welcome to the copywriter forum - I applaud your bravery.

1) Your header and headline are competing with each other for your visitors' attention. The result is that there is a lot of 'visual noise' that causes the reader to defocus... and not read anything.

2) The headline is too bloated (too long), and doesn't interest or captivate at all. I had to reread it several times to understand what I was supposed to take away from the message. Start by making it a little simpler. What is the main trigger you're trying to hit? Get more clients/ make more money?

Focus there and make the message simple yet powerful (Easier said than done - headlines are undoubtedly some of the trickiest things to write, but simplicity will work better than over-wording)

3)The first paragraph of sales copy under the headline is not tapping into the emotions of your trainer target market at all. You're trying to appeal to the reader on a 'rational' level, when you should be appealing to their emotions.

Using sterile business phrases like "generate an income that far exceeds..." won't excite your prospects. Go for something closer to home. Simple, everyday language is always more appealing "Make more money than other personal trainers." Still bland, but at least you don't sound like a corporate lawyer. :p

4) The image at the top isn't adding to your sales message, at least not where it is placed. While it shows that you do have strategies, people don't want to learn - they want to make money.

Yes, learning is involved, but for example: you don't entice people to sign up for college by waving books and diagrams in their face. You entice them by waving higher salaries, job security, and larger paychecks in their face.

5) The rest of the copy has a lot of "I". Personal stories can help copy, but you talk so much about your experience that you forget to bring your reader into the picture. They don't give a rat's behind what you went through - they want to know what you're offering them.

It's like walking up to someone, talking about your personal success for 15 minutes without letting them get a word in, then asking them for a check.

Overall - Writing is a sales page isn't about filling it up with words or following a pattern. It's about guiding the reader through a series of steps that turns them from a curious observer to an "I need this" buyer.

Jump into your target customer's shoes. They have a problem - they want better clients/more money. Think about what they're going through, the stress of trying to find new clients that pay well. The annoying tire kickers. The saturated market. Think about how your product solves those problems for them.

Now bridge the gap for them using the sales page.

Well you already got some great tips above.

But the layout of the letter needs serious attention.
Not enough space between paragraphs and they
are also too thick. (Words jumbled makes reading
difficult.)

Also the page to too wide--I keep my sales pages
under 700 px. You too wide and it's hard to keep
the eyes focused on the right lines.

So the bottom line is that your page is not inviting to
read and you're dead even before you start.

Get the letter reformatted and you stand a better
chance of getting the words critiqued.

-Ray Edwards

has been good in my opinion. but still lacking in the graphics and color than his website a bit blurry. the lighter the better.

I forget !! if you are selling a product why there is no testimony.

Thanks for solid input everyone. I'm looking into the sales page width, but I'm afraid my theme, which is optimizepress, doesn't have any other sizes...but I'll be looking further into this. I'm also thinking how I can break up the paragraphs some more...more space between them and maybe some headlines or bullet points in between them as well?

Otherwise, DanielleLynn- thanks for taking a thourough look at my copy! I totally agree with you that I say "I" too much. I don't want to come across as cocky so I'll be looking at ways I can talk about the buyer more (or anyone besides myself lol).

Thanks again everyone. I'm definitely taking everything you guys say to heart.

tim

If you can turn every "I" into a "You", you'll increase your conversion. Rapido.

FACT: People care themselves.

As in, "What can you do for me, now".

The "I"'s and your story are trying to establish your credibility. However, its just not working.

So, for example, a sidebar with proof statements might do the trick. Add in the logos on the newpapers you've been featured in. Perry Marshall's example here is awesome.

Also, and this is an assumption, I'd imagine that most trainers hate to "sell" (that's why they work at the national firms).

I'd ask your trainer buddies, and specifically the ones you think are your target buyers, "What is stopping you from going private? What is your single biggest roadblock to telling your 24Hr sales manager to F-himself?"

As of this second, your copy doesn't dig at your buyers core frustrations.

What stopping them from a fulfilling career as a private trainer?

Again, talk about your buyers fears and concerns. Put salt in their wounds. And when it starts to hurt, pour rubbing alcohol on it.

And of course, make sure to position yourself as the solution to their roadblock.

Was that helpful?

I look forward to your response.

"...by Friday I sold $9,600 worth of personal training sessions. I’ve never sold this many training sessions in an entire month, let alone in just three days!”

This testimonial would make a much more effective headline.

The copy (testimonial) in your header is difficult to read because there is little spacing between the lines. Increase your leading (space), and test the other testimonial as a headline.

Look at Google Optimizer. It is fairly easy to use and will let you test two or more landing pages against one another by automatically alternating what landing page viewers see.

:-Don

Let me just comment on the headline...in my humble opinion, need something more direct...I found it hard to get the key benefit right off...your subheadling should be your pre headline then shorten up the main headline...something like...

THE ULTIMATE SYSTEM TO....MONEY
See How I went From ZERO clients to More Clients Then I Could Handle (& $10,000.00 In NEW Business!) In Just 30 Days!

The headline also encourages the prospect to read further to see HOW you did it.