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Anyone care to review and critique my copy?

by Derek_Thomas
15 replies
Copy Warriors,

I've written a small bit of copy for my keyword research membership site, and would love to get your honest reviews, critiques, and suggestions. This is always helpful for me before I begin testing large scale, so I'd appreciate what anyone has to offer.

Keywords Simplified Membership Offer | Keywords Simplified

Thanks in advance,
Derek
#care #copy #critique #review
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I'll comment on the format. Your site is too cluttered
    and the words are too dense. You need some more
    white space.

    Also it's no use apologizing for selling to someone. It
    is a sales letter so to mention that it is not a sales letter
    is a waste of very good space--which is at the very
    beginning of your letter.

    You also need a lot more letter to convince your reader
    that you are the real deal.

    -Ray Edwards.
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      I'll comment on the format. Your site is too cluttered
      and the words are too dense. You need some more
      white space.

      Also it's no use apologizing for selling to someone. It
      is a sales letter so to mention that it is not a sales letter
      is a waste of very good space--which is at the very
      beginning of your letter.

      You also need a lot more letter to convince your reader
      that you are the real deal.

      -Ray Edwards.
      Thanks Ray.

      Only one thing, I didn't say it was not a sales letter. I said it was one, just not a long one.

      Any specific suggestions though on what you think would further convince people I'm the real deal? I currently have 4 testimonials on the page, with hundreds more I could add.

      Derek
      Signature
      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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      • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
        And if helps narrow things down, I would especially like a few thoughts about my headline.

        Thanks to anyone willing to help.

        Derek
        Signature
        Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
        This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
        Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
        The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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        • Profile picture of the author MoneyMagnetMagnate
          Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

          And if helps narrow things down, I would especially like a few thoughts about my headline.

          Thanks to anyone willing to help.

          Derek
          The headline is OK...I would just remove the words "Providing You" -
          You already have that with "Unrestricted Access"...the line flows smoother to me that way.

          Or maybe instead of ...'niche marketing insiders providing you with the latest'...
          ...'niche marketing insiders giving you the latest'...
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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

        Thanks Ray.

        Only one thing, I didn't say it was not a sales letter. I said it was one, just not a long one.

        Derek
        I get your point but you are still apologizing for selling something
        and this doesn't help your case. Your first line after your salutation
        is prized real estate and you're throwing it away. It's the most
        important line after the headline.

        As for the headline I still like to follow the old Ted Nichols rule
        of keeping it to 17 words or less. I may have my opposers
        though.

        -Ray Edwards
        Signature
        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Hi Derek,

          I'm thinking of the BIG IDEA with this.

          It's worked exceptionally well in the financial newsletter world.

          A-list copywriters have used it there.

          It taps into greed and supported by a chain of logic.

          Comes with supporting facts.

          Has a strong pull of fear of loss.

          What I'm talking about is, prime digital estate.

          Had they invested in the keywords...

          dogtraining.com, net, org back in [year] they could of earned a "Frank Kern fortune"

          Had they invested in acaiberry.com, net, org, they could of had the most valuable domain in the hundreds of millions of dollars in the **** berry fat loss sector.

          Cite other examples like them.

          Then cite recent spikes of search demand for keywords.

          Let 'em know these valuable keywords are coming out even today...
          but need to be ready to pounce when they happen,
          or they will miss out, like they did with the dogtraing etc.

          Now let 'em know they "possibly" could stumble across 'em.

          But it didn't work to well before.

          And it's darn hard work...a time suck and a cost on data downloads.

          Now you've got a set up for your killer offer.

          An offer never seen before...

          an offer so tantalizing...

          an offer so good, that it's easier to hit the Buy Button than click away.

          See how it pushes all the hot buttons and is supported by facts and logic?

          Most likely you are more excited about what you offer now.

          Best,
          Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      I'll comment on the format. Your site is too cluttered
      and the words are too dense. You need some more
      white space.
      I'm going to agree with this, also, add some meatier bullet points, because that's what really sells. Your bullet points are too focused on features, you need to focus them on benefits...
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  • Profile picture of the author PaulP51D
    Derek,

    First impressions are that Raydal is correct, much of the copy is too cramped and when you get into the normal, smaller text you starting getting too earnest - better to concentrate on benefits, rather than explain how honest you are. Don't assume that because you are selling to people in the business that they are impervious to sales copy and cannot be sold to without going having to go into Honest Joe mode. We are all suckers for good copy, no matter how sophicated we may imagine we are.

    In fact, there is clearly an inconsistency in what you have written. You claim that you are not using a scarcity tactic and then you do the thing with the 100 crossed-out and the 62 replacing it. Well, unless this is a live counter you have running, you are clearly not keeping a running total and are therefore clearly using a scarcity tactic. This might work for most people, but you are aiming this at internet marketers and this is something they will notice.

    If the software that you mention is your own, you are not making anything like enough of a big deal of it. You barely sell this at all.

    Lastly, I did not like the may you went straight into the banner I AM A KEYWORD RESEARCH EXPERT. Why not LEARN FIRST HAND FROM A KEYWORD PRO. That way you are offering a benefit and the readers will all know that the pro concerned is you.
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  • Profile picture of the author LeonForLinks
    OK, first thoughts are "here's another self-proclaimed 'expert' trying to sell me an ebook about how to get rich quick".

    If that's not what you are, I think you need to maybe not try so hard to convince people you're an expert.

    To be fair, I've never run a business or website on this kind of model, so maybe it will be profitable for you, but I personally wouldn't buy whatever it is your selling - in fact I wouldn't even scroll aaaaallllllllllllllllllll the way to the bottom of this very long screen to see what you're selling.

    To sell to me (and this is just a personal thing), just tell me really succinctly what it is you're offering - I'd buy an iPhone because I can see it's a good product, not because Apple tells me it's great and they are experts but won't actually tell me what an iPhone is or what it does.
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  • Profile picture of the author DanVsWorld
    Hi -

    I agree with Cam Conner - you need to focus more on the benefits...what is the membership going to do for ME?

    The second WF testimonial is good...show more like that. It helps to illustrate what people get for going with you and your product.

    Personally, I did not like your headline. It was too long and I had to read it twice to get what it was saying. That seems like the opposite of what you want a headline to do. You might want to break it up or see if someone has an idea about re-wording it.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

      I would especially like a few thoughts about my headline.
      Hello Derek

      Everything is far too scrunched up at the top of the sales letter. You're trying to convey too much information.

      Now, the main headline...

      "Imagine Unrestricted Access To An Exclusive Community Of Niche Marketing Insiders Providing You With The Latest Easy-Ranking, Money Making Keywords In Completely Untapped Markets"

      ...is one hec of a mouthful. Anyone reading this is instantly going to be turned off. It will impress precisely no one (I can guarantee you this much.)

      Try to use shorter words over longer words.

      This main headline needs to be simplified. Massively so. There is no way on this earth you can tell me... this is your biggest benefit. No way.

      If you came across this headline yourself, please tell me honestly...

      ...would you be attracted to it or repelled by it?

      Or, put another way... if you put yourself into your target audience shoes, reading this from their perspective, how would this main headline make you feel?

      My guess is you'd take one look at it and feel rather confused by the choice of words.

      It has no clear purpose, no easy identifiable benefit. Result? Readers clicking out faster than you can blink your eye. Fact.

      Now a little lower down you state that you're a 'Keyword Research Expert'.

      If this is the case, what's wrong with using a much shorter, benefit driven headline such as...


      "Imagine Being
      On the 1st Page of Google
      For All of Your Keywords"


      Or...


      "Uncover the Best
      Keywords for Your Business
      Guaranteed to Pump
      Massive Targeted Traffic
      Straight to Your Website
      Starting Today"


      Or...


      "Laser Targeted
      Keyword Research
      Explained in
      Very Simple Terms"


      Or...


      "Instantly Tap into the
      Most Highly Prized Keywords
      for Your Business

      1st Page Rankings
      Are Pretty Much
      Guaranteed"


      Each of these headlines...

      ...conveys a very strong irresistible benefit. I'm sure you could find plenty more similar headlines yourself IF you devoted an hour to writing 50 out, straight off the top of your head. I just came up with the above examples very quickly btw.

      The purpose of the main headline is not to overwhelm your readers with too much information. Keep them as short as possible and to the point. The main headline serves a dual purpose...

      A/ To grab the attention of the reader instantly and...

      B/ To get the reader to read the first sentence of your sales copy.

      Do you remember when you were a kid Derek? At the playground? You climbed up the steps of the slide, sat down at the top looking forward to that WHOOSHHH sensation as you slid down to the bottom of the slide.

      But sometimes the slide wasn't polished as well as you expected. And instead of sliding down smoothly...

      ...you had to push with your hands on the sides of the slide and your feet did that funny little scrabbling motion, as you tried desperately to propel yourself to the bottom where you subsequently felt a little disappointed with the experience.

      But wey heyyy, when you found yourself sitting on top of a better maintained slide, just the tiniest of nudges forwards and WHOOSHHH...

      ...you we're propelled to the bottom as fast as can be, only to run back to the ladder again for another go such was your childish excitement and joy first time round.

      Your main headline is the 'nudge'. A nudge to tip your readers over the edge propelling them downwards into your slippery sales funnel.

      Choose the wrong words and you'll come to a shuddering halt.

      Ease your readers emotions into each stage of your sales letter and at the end they'll plop themselves straight onto your buy it now button!

      Think about your choice of words very carefully Derek. Every word and sentence you use can make or break your personal business profit.

      Best,


      Mark Andrews...
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  • Profile picture of the author bikramksingh
    Flow is missing. The copy jumps from one place to another without passing through micro-steps, which build flow.
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  • Profile picture of the author slamp
    Banned
    the headline make me dizzy

    i have a feeling that you can make more compelling sales letter

    cheers
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