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Rate my first (ever) sales copy

by mjustice
5 replies
I was reading another thread requesting copy critique, and I wasn't impressed with what I read... but then I realized that this guy was making an infinite amount more than I was because he had something and I had nothing. In the spirit of "do something.... now!" I slapped together my first sales letter. I think I should add a few additional benefits and defeat another objection, but I wanted to know what everything thought of the message. The layout and lack of graphics can (and will) be dealt with before I launch.

Second Draft Sales Letter

Any advice (public or private) would be extremely helpful. I look forward to getting ripped

Thanks,
MJ

P.S. The URL isn't permanent, either, I just wanted to stick it somewhere so everyone could see. Training material for this exam runs at 200-300 and with class can be 400-500. I am looking to sell this report for ~30.
#copy #rate #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Cheesman
    Hello MJ,

    To be totally honest... it needs a lot of work..

    The headline really didn't do much for me, and the copy really didn't make me want to pull out my cc...

    What benefits will I get from reading your report? What do I stand to gain? How will your report help me?

    This is just my 2 cents..

    Dennis
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    • Profile picture of the author Houcem Rihane
      Originally Posted by Dennis Cheesman View Post

      Hello MJ,

      To be totally honest... it needs a lot of work..

      The headline really didn't do much for me, and the copy really didn't make me want to pull out my cc...

      What benefits will I get from reading your report? What do I stand to gain? How will your report help me?

      This is just my 2 cents..

      Dennis
      I fully agree.
      Besides, there is no real call to action.
      You should express clearer the benefits. Don't buy passing the exam but what this means in terms of money or positon or whatever...
      Very few people sit for an exam just for the sole reason of passing it or for the challange.
      Express the difficulties encoutered normally in the exam clearer and how (that) your report will help overcome them.
      This is my humble opinion wishing you the best.
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      ...

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      • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
        Hi MJ,

        These guys are right, you need to let the prospect know "what's in it for me" in big blazing neon lights. Paint a picture of how their life will be once they use your product to pass the exam.

        Also, didn't like the headline. I think people could stumble when reading it. Give it the read aloud test - if you read it aloud and it doesnt flow naturally, chances are you could get something better out of it.

        I'd definitely look into changing the background colour too. You'd have to run some split tests to find out the definitive answer on which bg colour would pull best for this particular product, but at first glances the one you have isn't too easy on the eye.

        Lastly, where's the proof? The prospects will want to see proof that people you coached passed the exam. They'll want testimonials and actual comments. It's going to be very very tough to sell a single copy without any proof on display...

        Hope that helps...

        David
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        Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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        • Profile picture of the author mjustice
          Originally Posted by the_writer View Post

          I'd definitely look into changing the background colour too. You'd have to run some split tests to find out the definitive answer on which bg colour would pull best for this particular product, but at first glances the one you have isn't too easy on the eye.
          The color and the fonts were simply "tossed up" for layout purposes. I only did it because I wanted to go through the motions of formatting it as HTML and tossing it up. While I do appreciate your opinion, I'm not concerned about the layout yet. Pretty colors alone aren't going to move this report

          Originally Posted by the_writer View Post

          Lastly, where's the proof? The prospects will want to see proof that people you coached passed the exam. They'll want testimonials and actual comments. It's going to be very very tough to sell a single copy without any proof on display...

          Hope that helps...
          Yes, it helps a lot! I didn't think they were necessary for this version, but I will make sure the next version has formatted testimonials in it.
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        • Profile picture of the author mjustice
          Originally Posted by Dennis Cheesman View Post

          Hello MJ,

          To be totally honest... it needs a lot of work..

          The headline really didn't do much for me, and the copy really didn't make me want to pull out my cc...

          What benefits will I get from reading your report? What do I stand to gain? How will your report help me?

          This is just my 2 cents..

          Dennis
          Originally Posted by houcemtrigun View Post

          I fully agree.
          I hear what you guys are saying.... and what you're not saying. The next draft will beat the reader over the head with benefits. I'll post a revised one later today. These are the kinds of things I need the hear.

          Thanks again to all three of you,
          MJ
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          I'm a software developer who can build websites and custom scripts. PM me for more info.

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