Please Critique This Ad Copy

by Jonathan 2.0 Banned
18 replies
Gentlemen.

I’ve just finished putting together a flyer for my Brother’s weight loss report. We’re thinking of delivering it to every house in our Town. (Then the County … If it’s successful.) It’s an A4 page flyer that will be folded in half with “From Erny” written on the opposite side in hand-writing font.

(I’ve blocked out our name and address.)

This is the first copywriting “project” I’ve ever completed so I’m anxious about hearing your suggestions. I’ve linked to the flyer at the end of this post (in PDF) and I have a few questions I hope you won’t mind answering. : )
1. How’s the headline?
2. Intro: Could it be improved/Is it a bit strange?
3. Are weight loss myths accurate and/or could they be improved? Do they go on too much?
4. Is The J-Box relevant?
5. Are the weight loss benefits “flabby” … Are They compelling/persuasive?
6. Is the call to action compelling?
7. And, generally, how could the whole flyer be improved?
Also, what do you think about the strategy of delivering flyers? Is it too much of a “shot gun” approach? And, what conversion would we be looking at?

Anything you can suggest would be awesome. : )

Many Thanks.
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Hi Jonathan,

    Here's your BIGGEST problem with your piece...

    YOU don't know WHO this is for.

    EXAMPLE: "Six pack ABS", "pregnancy" used.

    Reader wants to know if it's for them or not...INSTANTLY!

    First you come up with the SEX, then drill down.

    By drilling down I mean you gotta know more about
    this persons weight issue than any other marketer.

    In doing so, you'll know her age, marital status,
    has children, what she's tried before, what language
    she uses to describe her situation, the reason why
    she wants to lose weight that no other marketer has
    connected to her, what she reads, where she hangs out online.

    Now you can connect the RIGHT MESSAGE to the RIGHT PERSON
    using the RIGHT MEDIA.

    Best,
    Ewen
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4750297].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      Banned
      Thanks Ewen. Much appreciated. : )

      Is there an approach where I can include the whole weight loss
      market in one ad, similar to this Gary Halbert ad http://www.hardtofindads.com/home/ad...ediu/file.html ... (Which I'm assuming is targeted to the whole market.)

      Or must I defintely have to make the ad more specific? Remember we're delivering flyers so it's difficult to target people, if at all. (Although we could change our approach if that isn't profitable.)
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4750364].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Jonathan,

        Going for mass market appeal like what you are referring
        to is very expensive if you miss the mark.

        You have the whole process wrong in that you have a product
        that you have decided where you are going to advertise it.

        The last and missing piece of the process you've come up
        with is the person who will most likely buy.

        You've put the cart in front of the horse.

        The difficulty may lie in the product being generic.

        If so, your odds of success, no matter how flash your ad
        is, will be against you.

        As an example of knowing the most likely buyer of a weight loss
        product I've mentioned here before, is...

        She's 30 years old, separated with 2 children, she loves food, she's immune to weight loss ads that say lose x lbs in x days, she got her brothers wedding coming up soon, she's got a deadline to look hot, she's wants her brother and family to be proud of her, she hates the thought of being called a "slummy mummy", she totally relates to be able to undress in front of her partner with the lights on, because it strikes a raw nerve, she wants to incite revenge for how her ex treated her.

        Talk about those things and she will let you in to her world.

        Don't and the door is slammed in your face.

        Knowing these intimate details about her, you'll know where she hangs out online.

        Parenting websites, dating websites, food recipe websites.she'll read the school newsletter.

        That's an example working from the person first then to the media second.

        Best,
        Ewen
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4750862].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
          Banned
          Cool. That's interesting. Thanks for the advice Ewen.
          Signature
          "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4756558].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
            Hey Jonathan,

            I see a lot of good stuff goin' on here...

            ...but I've also got some ideas for improvement.


            What I Like About It Right Now:

            • You're on the right track with knowing what the prospect REALLY wants, and it's clear that you know it's more than just losing weight.

              Increased confidence, looking more attractive to the opposite sex, impressing friends and loved ones with a new understanding and sexier body - ALL good stuff, because it gets to the deeper reasons many people overlook.

            • Right before you list your bullet points, you say "When you read this ebook you will discover how to:"

              This is great, because you're naturally assuming that they WILL read the book. (i.e. "When you", VS. "If you")

            • You've established your knowledge and expertise by educating the prospect - with the whole 'myths' section, and the paragraph above it.

            • Noticed you used the word 'imagine' in your copy, and that's EXCELLENT...

              ...because getting your prospect to imagine their life with the results you can give them is ULTRA powerful, my friend.


            Ideas For Improvement:

            • Your call to action section at the bottom (underneath the "Don't Decide Now...") could be better.

              You say, "If you're interested in reading my informative weight loss ebook"... but if the prospect takes the time to read down that far, aren't they ALREADY 'interested'?

              It'd be more powerful to close with a call to action that looks something like:

              "When you head over to YourGymGuru.com to [reiterate main benefits here], you'll even get a FREE bonus report, valued at 5.95 (IF you qualify)"

            • Your headline offers a very bold statement, and it draws a very clear 'line in the sand'...

              ...but I'm thinking it might be TOO bold right out of the gate, and here's why:

              You've got to be very careful with your wording in the headline, because every word can either help you or harm you.

            I don't know enough about your target prospects to be 100% accurate, but I'd imagine ALL of them want to believe that easy weight loss is possible - but they might not necessarily 'think' or 'believe' that IT IS.

            So you see...

            ...saying that if your prospect doesn't 'think easy weight loss is possible'... right now, at this every moment...

            ...might run the risk of turning a large percentage of your prospects off.

            Could I suggest something?

            Why not tease the reader a little bit?

            Say something about the 3 weight loss myths in the headline, and believing in those myths keeps your prospects from what they REALLY want.

            Then, as you make your introduction...

            ...build anticipation for the details on those myths, but don't give it away immediately.


            All in all, I think you've done a great job with what little space you have to get the job done.

            I mean it's not like you're writing a sales letter here...

            ...you're working with a flyer - and that's not a ton of space.


            Didn't plan on writing this much...

            ...kind of poured out of me.

            If you'd like anything cleared up, or explained further...

            ...don't hesitate to ask.


            Take care,


            Jake Dennert
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4757480].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
              Banned
               
               
              Thanks Barry.

              I chose the negative headline because: Firstly, it's not "hypey." Secondly, there's some reverse psychology going on. And, finally, it kind of qualifies people. (If they keep reading they're kind of saying that “easy weight loss” could be possible …) And also it’s implied that easy weight loss is possible.

              However I'm not a professional copywriter so I could be wrong. I will definitely consider using your advice of drilling down to the biggest benefit etc.



              Thanks Jake.

              That's exactly the kind of “step-by-step” advice I was hoping for. (It's good to know what I've done right as well as wrong.) The close/call to action improvement is brilliant. I didn’t notice that and I'll definitely be using it. : ) And I will think about composing a new headline as per your and Barry's advice.

              Any suggestions for an improved headline? (Starting with the myths seems like a stronger opening …)

              I’m writing all of this down in my notes.

              Cheers. : )
              Signature
              "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4757713].message }}
              • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
                Jonathan,

                No problem at all.

                Spent the last few minutes throwing something together for you...

                ...and hopefully it'll give you more ideas.

                I'll send the PDF over to you via PM in a few minutes.


                Jake
                {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4757974].message }}
                • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
                  Sorry about that, Jonathan.

                  Guess I can't attach a PDF in a PM.

                  I've attached it here.
                  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4758022].message }}
                  • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
                    Banned
                    Wow. Thanks for the suggestion Jake. Much appreciated. : )

                    That headline caught my attention ... (and I'm not even over weight. Haha). It's a bit more "hypey" than I like however this is about results and I think that will get more people to read the flyer than my headline.

                    Thanks a million. : )

                    I'll get to work on another (improved) flyer.
                    Signature
                    "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
                    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4758103].message }}
                  • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
                    Banned
                    Something else I noticed which can be improved is the first myth. It should read: "All you have to do is exercise to lose weight." (Which isn't true.)
                    Signature
                    "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
                    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4758411].message }}
                    • Profile picture of the author Eagle07
                      Hello,
                      I would like to comment on the headline, I think you are right by putting a headline like that because I too believe in pre-qualifying your audience. This is some sort of screening only those who are really interested on your info. However, I think it is better when you include an eye-catching and motivating headline and make your present headline as sub-headline.

                      One thing more... Since you have included a pic showing a man in muscles then you would have to concentrate targeting men on how to lose their weight and develop their muscles. Don't mix things for men and women audiences. It won't work this way.

                      Good luck and nice job for writing your own copy! You can improve on that sooner or later for sure.
                      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4758797].message }}
                      • Profile picture of the author tommysimpson
                        Hi Jonathan

                        Here is my 2cents.

                        I used to be in the offline pamphlet, knock and drop, etc. business until my ex wife took it.

                        Best

                        Tommy

                        PS. The red is the mod
                        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4760847].message }}
                      • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
                        Banned
                        Many thanks Tommy.

                        I love how you've made it seem like an informative flyer (which it is) instead of a "sales message." (Particularly like the YES/NO survey.) I will definitely be using a lot of your improvements. Cheers. : ) (And thanks for teaching me how to be a better copywriter.)

                        ...

                        Originally Posted by Eagle07 View Post

                        One thing more... Since you have included a pic showing a man in muscles then you would have to concentrate targeting men on how to lose their weight and develop their muscles. Don't mix things for men and women audiences. It won't work this way.
                        Thanks Eagle. (I didn't think of that.) I'll probably not include it.
                        Signature
                        "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
                        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4762991].message }}
                        • Profile picture of the author tommysimpson
                          Always a pleasure Jonathan,

                          Be blessed and please let me know how it went after the promotion.

                          Best

                          Tommy
                          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4763037].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author BarryADensa
    Why a negative headline? Always assume the market you're targeting wants your product and then drill down to its biggest benefit or USP and put it right up front in lights (and that's just one way to write a headline).

    Your lead is hackneyed. Unless you're in a real small town with no internet access everyone's heard "...this is the most important letter you'll ever read."

    And as Ewan mentioned, if you're proposing a weight loss product -- you're targeting women. Men want muscles, strength and easy sex.

    Plus, you need to agitate the problem the reader is experiencing -- make it big and terrible -- let the reader also know that you know how frustrating the problem is -- and prove it by dimensionalizing the problem -- then, let them know you have the solution.

    Hopefully, that'll get you started in the right direction.

    --Barry
    Signature

    Barry A Densa - Freelance Marketing & Sales Copywriter - WritingWithPersonality.com

    Download a FREE copy of my new eBook, containing 21 of my most outrageous rants, when you visit my blog: Marketing Wit & Wisdom

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4757459].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author tommysimpson
    Jonathan

    I can't pm back (not enough posts), can't do other contact( not enough posts).

    Maybe contact admin and let them pass my email address on to you.

    Nothing for sale at all, just some free advice.

    Best

    Tommy
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4882461].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      Banned
      Thanks Tommy. I'll send you an e-mail.
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4882476].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
        Banned
        If you send a blank e-mail to:

        bizman[at]gmail.com

        I'll contact you. Thanks for all the help. : )
        Signature
        "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4882648].message }}

Trending Topics