Please Review My Sales Email.

14 replies
I hired a copywriter to make this but it doesnt appear to be doing the job.
I have had some comments which I am working on. I believe I need a catchy subject for my emails first.
I also believe it is too long.

Gary
#email #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
    Here is a very quick change you can test.

    Just get rid of everything that comes before, "My name is Gary...."

    It won't be optimal, but it will be a big improvement.

    As for a subject line, try something like: "an idea about your business" (all lowercase so it looks like a personal message.)
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4775364].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author garyogden
      Thank you for your comment.
      Gary
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4775492].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author CopywritingTony
    There is a lot to think about.

    How are you collecting their emails?
    Are they opting in or are you sending the email to a cold collected list?
    And who are they specifically? (restaurant owners, doctors, dentist...etc)

    You want to come up with the hook first in order for them to open your email, and then you want to keep them reading.

    I would come up with a good subject line and build the email around that, but I wouldn't go for the sale with just the first email. It's gonna take more than that.

    You're dealing with actual business owners who don't have that much time to begin with. So think about that when your writing the next email.

    Best Regards,
    Copywriting Tony
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4775512].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author BradleyC
      Wow, I don't even know where to begin. And you say this is an email, not a direct mail piece?

      I can certainly see why you're not getting any leads. I'd do a re-write. It's too long, I find many businesses will NOT click on a link that uses sites like "tinyurl" due to virus's and other things, it's not compelling nor does it grab my attention.

      You lost me with your headline "think big with mobile website". What goes through my head is "why?"

      You've got to get their attention and it needs to be self-serving to them.

      A mobile phone compatible website will make you more money. Here's how...
      or
      What do other businesses know that you don't about mobile phones and their business that's increased their sales. Here's what ...

      "With more people accessing the internet from their mobile phone than a computer, other businesses have found by simply changing their websites to being mobile compatible it increased the traffic to their business which increased their sales."

      At 3:30am, and extremely tired (heading to bed now, finally), this is off the cuff.

      Do a re-write!

      Bradley
      Signature
      ~ 25 Exciting Years of Marketing To Local Businesses ~
      << Learn NEVER BEFORE REVEALED strategies: MarketingToLocalBusinesses.com>>
      << Biggest Lead Generation Mistakes That Are COSTING YOU DEARLY!>>
      Agency Management Systems
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4775640].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author garyogden
        I like it and yes it needs to be shorter and send them yo my website as quickly as possible. I am in the process of getting a domain name to match the business. How much would you charge for a quick rewrite?
        Gary


        Originally Posted by BradleyC View Post

        Wow, I don't even know where to begin. And you say this is an email, not a direct mail piece?

        I can certainly see why you're not getting any leads. I'd do a re-write. It's too long, I find many businesses will NOT click on a link that uses sites like "tinyurl" due to virus's and other things, it's not compelling nor does it grab my attention.

        You lost me with your headline "think big with mobile website". What goes through my head is "why?"

        You've got to get their attention and it needs to be self-serving to them.

        A mobile phone compatible website will make you more money. Here's how...
        or
        What do other businesses know that you don't about mobile phones and their business that's increased their sales. Here's what ...

        "With more people accessing the internet from their mobile phone than a computer, other businesses have found by simply changing their websites to being mobile compatible it increased the traffic to their business which increased their sales."

        At 3:30am, and extremely tired (heading to bed now, finally), this is off the cuff.

        Do a re-write!

        Bradley
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4776185].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Azarna
          Yet again a website and email that is breaking the law.

          In Britain it is a LEGAL REQUIREMENT that you include FULL business contact details on your website and all communciation (such as emails). This is not optional.

          I strongly recommend you get wise to the basic legal requirements of selling products/services online before you send out any emails.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4784503].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
            Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

            In Britain it is a LEGAL REQUIREMENT that you include FULL business contact details on your website and all communciation (such as emails). This is not optional.
            Hmm, good point... Maybe he just didn't want to.
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4793601].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author garyogden
      Thats why I came to you guys your the experts not me!
      I collect emails from the Internet via a email collecting program. So for example In an hour I can collect around 500 emails for example Blackpool Bed and Breakfast. I sift through the emails to get rid of the rubbish. Then email them (once).
      I realise the emails dosnt work well at all thats why I am asking you guys!
      Gary


      Originally Posted by CopywritingTony View Post

      There is a lot to think about.

      How are you collecting their emails?
      Are they opting in or are you sending the email to a cold collected list?
      And who are they specifically? (restaurant owners, doctors, dentist...etc)

      You want to come up with the hook first in order for them to open your email, and then you want to keep them reading.

      I would come up with a good subject line and build the email around that, but I wouldn't go for the sale with just the first email. It's gonna take more than that.

      You're dealing with actual business owners who don't have that much time to begin with. So think about that when your writing the next email.

      Best Regards,
      Copywriting Tony
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4776171].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author wvcopywriter
    If this is your first email your sending to the opt ins, I would not send an email that is trying to sell them something. You need to write a series of emails to them just for them to get to trust you. After they gain some trust, then you can send soft sales emails to them in a story type -- slowly easing into a soft sale.






    Don't write a sales copy type email, just an email to get them to click on your link.


    If you would like some help with this send me an pm
    Signature

    Don't have the time to write emails that will get opened, read and your reader to take action then leave me a message. I will get back to you within 48 hrs.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4784570].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Neil AM
      The two words that spring to mind are 'train wreck'. Length isn't necessarily a problem, but it's got to be interesting, and that's not. If you've not built up any kind of relationship yet, the subject line's got to be a must-click and the benefits need to come first - even before the salutation.

      Also, from the sounds of it this is unsolicited contact, as you seem to be just collecting e-mails off the internet without any prior contact with these business owners. (Btw, if you're using a spider to do that I'm pretty certain that falls under the heading of spamming and is illegal - not a lawyer, though, so don't quote me on that). If that's the case, the response rate's going to be pretty dire even with a top-class copywriter working for you.
      Signature

      Resident wordsmith at www.digiresults.com.

      Life's too short to drink bad wine.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4784792].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    I recommend you get Bob Bly's million dollar email swipe file. He has great examples of emails or autoresponder sequence that you can model.

    Ray Edwards also has an excellent autoresponder product.

    Best,

    Thomas O'Malley
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4785479].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    The main reason you're not getting results is not the copy, although what you have doesn't really look like an email at all. The reason is you're sending out to a completely untargeted - in fact illegally collected from what I can gather - list. Once you have access to a legitimate list, either hire a real copywriter or take the long route learning the ropes. This cannot be fixed with some clever edit.
    Signature

    Need a quick, effective copy critique to boost your conversion? 24-hr turnaround:
    http://juhotunkelo.com/copy-critique/

    Want world class copy to sell your world class product? Get a free evaluation today:
    http://www.emergingonlinetrends.com/...-juho-tunkelo/

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4792033].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Originally Posted by jtunkelo View Post

      The main reason you're not getting results is not the copy, although what you have doesn't really look like an email at all.
      Lol, yea, it looks like a mini-salespage or an opt-in offer, what's the deal with the picture?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4793612].message }}

Trending Topics