My first sales copy: wish me luck

15 replies
Hey there fellow warriors,

I know there's a first time for everything, and I wanted to put my best foot forward and got some training in the art.

I took a few courses like David Garfinkel's fast effective copy and i'm learning so much from justin quick's blog.

I've decided to post my sales page up and i'm asking for only honest opinions and criticisms.

Thanks for your time
#copy #luck #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Big problem #1: No credibility... no reason why I should listen to you... and no reason to buy this course over any of the thousand similar offers out there.

    What makes YOU qualified to teach me about this?

    That's the first objection you need to answer.


    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author thehorizon
      Hi, I'm a very new copywriter but have seen a lot of copies out there.

      It's really not bad in terms of the structure, but I think there are some substantial differences between the really powerful ones and yours.

      Firstly... your headline doesn't seem to be that catchy. I've learnt from a lot of great copywriters in this forum, as well as some books on copy, and they all say the same thing.

      Meet the customer at his predicament, and hit his problem right on the target: AKA the USP.

      IMHO, I don't see how a step-by-step video training will lead to a substantial increase in income. The logic has jumped too far, and customers are left hung in midair, undoubtedly, many others will just treat it as "another copy" and leave for more treasure and excitement.

      How about....

      "An absolutely SIMPLE, STEP-BY-STEP, copy-and-follow Video Training that BABYSITS you across the painful technicalities of building a sales funnel... mesmerizing people to readily FORK out their money to you... on demand!"

      A nice subheading could straight away give out mystery and show just how exclusive the information you are going to reveal will be.

      Become a conversion expert within minutes!
      Get this unfair advantage over the rest!
      A sales funnel strategy never revealed to public before right in your hands...

      (Disclaimer: I'm a real newbie, so please take it with a pinch of salt, just trying to give as much value as possible to my reply)

      I also think that your first paragraph should be more attention-seeking as well. Something like...

      I lost thousands of dollars because I didn't know this.
      You won't make money until you learn about these secret techniques.

      Additionally, some of the colour schemes are a little painful to the eye. Like the red on the gray background. The copy should be much, much longer as well. Long copy converts way more than short copy.

      And Daniel is right.... credibility is VERY important. What makes people listen to you? Why should they listen to you? Have you made hundreds with it yet? How do you prove it, how can others prove how successful you are, and how achievable your success is through this method?
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by thehorizon View Post

        And Daniel is right....
        I like you


        P.S. It's not "copies"... it's copy. Kinda like "sheep" - "I've seen a lot of copy."

        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Matt James
      Hi Stephen,

      I don't think anybody will get past your headline.

      Nobody wants "step by step video training". They want the results that training provides.

      And "boost your earning substantially" sounds half-hearted to me.

      You need to communicate your Big Promise in your headline and right now it's kind of a wet lettuce.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    You need a much more powerful headline. Go to Vin Montello's site and grab a copy of his free report on headlines. That would really help you.

    You need to tell your story in your copy for credibility. Why should they believe you?

    You need some serious reason-why copy on your price. If your course is so great, why are you only charging $17 for it?

    You need testimonials and bonuses.

    You need to rewrite your first paragraph. It's really dull. You will lose people there as well if they get past the headline.

    In short, find a good checklist for writing a powerful sales letter and follow that closely.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Originally Posted by Stephen Lessey View Post

    I took a few courses like David Garfinkel's fast effective copy
    Is that whose site that is? ; )

    More importantly, it doesn't appear that you've internalized the lessons.

    Stephen, I gifted you a subscription to FEC because you wrote something here at WF a little while back.. I don't even remember the topic anymore.

    My point is that your "copy" in that post REACHED me... and stirred me to action (comping you into FEC).

    So, clearly you have the ability to communicate on a HUMAN level, more persuasively than this letter indicates.

    What's different?

    Well, there's the whole anxiety and pressure of this being a "sales letter" and that was just a WF post... BZZZT.

    One of the reasons why forum posts are so easy to write persuasively is because you're often writing to ONE person...

    ...or at least one person who represents many other similar people reading.

    Catching the hint here?

    Go back and spend an hour today listening and reading David's Quickstart Audio #1... then study Module 1 - Headline Templates.

    I promise it will make this easier for you.

    Good luck,

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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      I switch right off once I see things about how it is really worth $650 but only $27.. no wait! $17!!

      If it is really worth $650 then you would not be selling it so cheap, plus the 'doing you a real favour' second reduction is a big turn-off to me.

      Sorry, I know a lot of people do this, but it makes me feel something is a scam.
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  • I'd steer clear of saying things like-"just for today it's $17"

    not very believeable and probably not true if the customer checks back tomorrow.

    I would suggest discounting the first 30 sold or something like that.

    throw a sassy word into the headline too

    like "get instant access to" or "discover the step by step" ..... and work a time period and exact figure in there too.

    The headline is a biggy when it comes to getting sales.

    If you wanna pm me I'll run through things with you -

    cheers man
    "Peter Brennan is the real deal, In the first 12 hours we did $80k...and over $125k in the first week...if you want to be successful online, outsource your copywriting to Peter"
    Adam Linkenauger

    For 12 ways to sell more stuff to more people today...go
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    • Profile picture of the author Xebekn
      This isn't necessarily as psychological as the advice from the rest of the gallery and is very basic: grammatical structure. I don't claim to be a pro on this but try to avoid grammatical mistakes. You're trying to persuade someone you're an expert on this topic and grammatical errors will cement you as a non-authority immediately. Also, try to avoid the use of "got" or "get" in any form and make sure your spelling is correct. An old boss of mine told me to read what I wrote backward, word by word and it seemed to help pretty well.

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      • Profile picture of the author Stephen Lessey
        I read over this post at least 5 times and took some notes and Brian I will definitely do that. The course is seriously outstanding. Thanks so much!

        This input is invaluable, and I will definitely work on my headlines and flow structure. I really want to make copywriting a skill that I feel comfortable with and that will only happen with more practice.

        Back to the old pencil and paper for me. I appreciate the critique
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by Xebekn View Post

        Also, try to avoid the use of "got" or "get" in any form and make sure your spelling is correct.
        In copy, "You get...", is something you should seriously consider using

        Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    There's many things to improve in your letter.. assuming you wouldn't want to start afresh.. The first thing that strikes me there's really no emotion whatsoever in the whole piece. You don't use any power words, imagery or do much with the benefits to begin with. The second thing is.. it's as if you don't really know what you're selling. Either that or you assume the prospect knows what you know. In terms of flow and structure, there are quite a few things missing before this becomes a sales letter. I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I think you really need to get back to some fundamentals.

    Need a quick, effective copy critique to boost your conversion? 24-hr turnaround:

    Want world class copy to sell your world class product? Get a free evaluation today:

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  • Profile picture of the author slamp
    stephen.. make a sales letter and put it up and running is already a GREAT leap..

    And I am sure we will learn more from experience..

    because GREAT people learn from experience and smart people learn from other peoples.

    your sales letter just need a view tweak ,

    perhaps the first thing is by making your headline unique

    congrats and good luck

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  • Profile picture of the author Elle Davies
    Overall structure - not bad. I found the conversational tone easy to read. However I do agree with many of the above comments, improving the headline is a must. The headline is about promising your most important benefit - show the prospect how beneficial the product is within the headline and you have their attention!

    (Just a personal preference, but I wouldn't use a brown background, it looks....muddy?!)

    Keep up the good work,
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  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez

    Let me say you do have a gift for writing.

    It's important to remember that, because you must be a capable writer to write copy. Ain't no two-ways about it - you can't write, you can't be a copywriter.

    Fortunately, that doesn't seem to be a problem here. It's just the learning curve.

    So let me throw this out there.

    Not to restate the obvious, but you're not qualified to write the first paragraph.

    You have no credibility.

    Dan kennedy writes that? Ok.

    Clayton Makepeace rights that? Sure, I buy it.

    Stephen Lessey says it? ...Who?

    Fortunately, this is an easy fix.

    Few ways:

    1) Your eyebrow/the little italicized copy above the headline, can say, "Stephen Lessey, the internet market who banked $XXX in 35 days and has <blank, blank, blank>, now wants to give you..."

    You do this to set yourself up as the authority before they even get into the copy. It adds punch to your headline, too.

    2) Tell the story. I think this approach is losing impact now in the IM world, but you might be able to milk it.

    "If you had told me 3 years ago I would be an internet marketing maverick... the kind of guy who pulls in 6 figures for 3 hours of work... I would've laughed until Coca-Cola squirted out of my nose.

    And yet I've been making $152,673 (on average) for the last 2 years.

    There's a funny little story that will show you how that came to be... But more importantly, how you can use the same approach."

    Obviously that **** needs work. But you get the idea.

    3) Address it up front.

    "You don't know me.

    As a result, anything I say will probably put you on edge. And when I say I've made $152,676 a year by doing virtually little work (or whatever), you'll probably sneer and think of closing the page.

    Can't say I blame you. After all, I've been in your shoes and heard all the hype.

    But if you're willing to give me just a few minutes, I'll do what NOBODY has done before - tell you the truth about how I made money playing Crash Bandicoot all day, and how you can make a nice, steady income doing it, too."

    ^^ This is an approach I like, but you can try em all.

    Either way, you can't get anywhere until you get over the credibility hump. Nobody buys until they believe.

    S'all I got time for. Hope it helps.

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