Want to read the ad that paid me $300 off Odesk?

14 replies
Hi gang.

Since I showed up on the forum a few months ago, in my spare time I've picked up a few elance and odesk gigs.

This is a sales page for a gym that the client paid me $300 to produce.

He paid me, and never gave me any feedback, even though I repeatedly asked him if he was completely happy, or if any changes were needed.

Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...I dunno.

The only schooling I've done is to read Joseph Sugarman's adweek copy book, and then I started taking gigs.

Anyway, I would love for some of you guys to critique it. Thanks a lot.
#$300 #odesk #paid #read
  • Profile picture of the author jasonthewebmaster
    Banned
    Hmm... the copywriting is ok I guess.. but it needs some formatting before i would even consider mailing it out.

    Also, this would be a "sales letter" not a sales page, page is a website.
    (hope the client knew the difference LOL.. maybe that's why they didn't write you back?)



    Lastly, if you are into copywriting, you may enjoy this book:

    The Ultimate Sales Letter, by Dan Kennedy, explains his highly successful sales letter writing techniques.

    One of the most highly respected copy writers. I always consult that book when i have some copy to write.
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    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Hrrm. Yeah I told him I wasn't a graphic designer. I don't know how to do much other than write. I need to learn that I suppose.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Sebastion,

    You'll get more response if you put your copy online rather than forcing people to download it.

    Anyway, here's my thoughts for you:

    Why have you got two headlines like that? Especially as the first is essentially restated in the second.

    And while you don't need to learn to be a graphic designer, it's a good idea to understand the basics of design for conversion. (For your headline, make it stand out more, make it narrower than the body copy and generally you don't want loose words on their own line).

    Your body copy is a little awkward to read, your sentences tend to be too long, too wordy and too stilted. Reading it out loud should help you improve it, or even better, get someone else to read it out loud and see where they trip up and what doesn't sound quite right.

    And it's very generic, like you could be writing to anybody. Research the prospect, find out who they are, what they want, and then write directly to them.

    You need to break up the copy more (subheads, bullets, etc).

    There's absolutely zero proof for any of your claims.

    And I don't really know what you're selling, sure it's a women's only MMA fitness bootcamp, but when is it, how long is it, exactly where is it, what will I need to bring, when can I get my personal training session, is anyone going to hit me, am I going to have to hit anyone, and so on...

    Hope that's of some help to you.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
        Oh yeah I did ask then the when, how, why, and who their experts were etc, but the client did not respond. Haha.
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        • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
          Originally Posted by Sebastion View Post

          I don't post it online because won't that mess with the clients google rankings?
          If you're using HTML you can use a file called robots.txt to stop the search engines listing the page. If you're using wordpress there's tools you can get to stop certain pages being listed (and I think certain themes have it built in).

          But it shouldn't be an issue because your client really shouldn't be relying on SEO traffic for a sales page.
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          Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Thanks Andrew. I see that now!

      I don't post it online because won't that mess with the clients google rankings?
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  • Profile picture of the author Pecan
    Congrats on getting such a good paying gig on odesk. There seems to be lots of cheap labor competition there.
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  • Profile picture of the author EricMN
    If I don't think the headline works, I don't read the body.

    I don't think the headline works.

    Now don't get me wrong, you can have a main header and a sub header that does some form of elaborating. . . but only if it gives me a reason to go from the headline to the body.

    In this case, your subheader, as mentioned, just refrains the header. But this isn't the crucial mistake. There is no offer. There is no benefit, or alternative answer to what is already out there.

    Use the headline and subheaders to sell an offer instead of just explaining your product. It's a martial arts course. . . what does martial arts do?

    I'll bet my bottom dollar that most women are at least somewhat nervous about walking around at night alone. Imagine the confidence boost in knowing that these techniques could save your life, and it doesn't matter if the guy outweighs you by 50lbs! As long as you have these techniques, you can still carry your pepper spray, but I guarantee you won't need it.

    That definitely could be worded better, but the point stands: Why is this course worth mentioning? What does it give to your customers?

    The point is, you have a course/service. . . that's great. Who cares? No one until you tell them what it will do for them.

    Also, address the reader and close by signing out. Don’t give them a sales pitch – talk to them. That way they don’t notice your pitch, they just agree (if you’re good).
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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      Three typos in the first eight words, heh.

      'Are you living in The St Louis are' should be ...

      'Are you living in the St. Louis area'

      I would certainly not bother reading on after that, to be honest.
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  • Profile picture of the author ghrkhan
    That is good you have earned $300. What ever keep your words up you will earn more have good reviews in future.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Sebastion,

    First of all... it takes balls not only to get the gig... but to post a piece of your work here in the forum.

    So kudos.

    I wouldn't worry too much about your client ignoring you... that's a risk you take at lower price points.

    Now, obviously I'm not going to critique everything that's wrong with this letter. But here are a few points...

    1. You could have easily fit everything you needed to say in the first page. In fact, pages 2 and 3 are pretty repetitive and unnecessary.

    2. It reads like you're trying to be all things to all people and/or you don't know your target audience. How old are these women? What kind of jobs do they have? What's their schedule like? What kind of shape are they in? Why do they want to lose weight/defend themselves?

    Sure... not every single person in your market will fit into the "avatar" you have in your mind for them. But it's a much more effective way to write than to spread yourself thin (as you currently are).

    For example... is this for beginners (aka nice and easy)... or is it for hardcore fitness freaks? It can't be both.

    3. Benefits dude. They're kind of glossed over - but they need to be a lot clearer. Getting in shape is one - but what does that mean? For the average lady, that means looking sexy, turning heads at the beach and being able to wear any clothes she likes without it making her look "fat". It also means feeling good about herself.

    The self defense aspect is a little more straight-forward... more confidence, and no longer having to feel unsafe... being able to protect themselves AND their loved ones.

    4. What's this bull**** about gyms having no support or social interaction? Anyone who's ever been to a gym (aka most people) know that's an out-and-out lie.

    Before I started working out at home I'd go to the gym and chat with tons of people... I also had help and advice from not only the staff but also other members to make sure I was doing the exercises right etc (sometimes whether I wanted it or not).

    BTW... if I thought you were completely crap I wouldn't have bothered responding... so don't take it that way.

    -Daniel
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Sebastion,

    What's significant to me is that you are actively pursuing work and making money.

    Anyone can think of a million reasons why you shouldn't do that at your stage of learning.

    I'm personally very impressed with your attitude and action.

    Keep it up,

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author Studio13
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Hi Sebastion,

      What's significant to me is that you are actively pursuing work and making money.

      Anyone can think of a million reasons why you shouldn't do that at your stage of learning.

      I'm personally very impressed with your attitude and action.

      Keep it up,

      - Rick Duris
      I was thinking the same thing. The fact that you read a single book, and put it into practice speaks volumes on your character. *Tips Hat* Godspeed friend.
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      • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
        Thanks guys. This post has helped me tremendously.

        I understand from learning other things that "Action" is the only way to learn, and making mistakes is crucial.

        The next time I get a sales page I will come here and ask for help before I submit it.
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