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Email Sales Letter not working?

by garyogden
7 replies
This is the email I have been sending out but getting no response. What wrong!?

Gary

Dear Business Owner,


What do other businesses know that you don't about mobile phones and their business that's increased their sales.
Here's what ...


With more people accessing the internet from their mobile phone than a computer, other businesses have found by simply changing their websites to being mobile compatible it increased the traffic to their business which increased their sales.

My name is Gary Ogden and I live in Blackpool, I work in the field of mobile website development for local businesses.

One thing I noticed throughout the businesses in your area is that the majority of you don't have a mobile compliant website.

Do one thing right now, grab your mobile phone and bring up your website and take a look. If it is not mobile optimised then it will look small and unreadable never mind all the scrolling back and forth!

Wouldn't you rather you could see your website like this instead?




On top of the benefits above, the main thing you will gain from our services is a better competitive edge over your competitors. As mentioned before in your area many businesses lack this great service and by being the first to provide it you could easily grab plenty of new customers.

If you are interesting in expanding your web presence and attracting new customers via this great opportunity please get in touch and we can talk more about requirements and a quote.

Please visit my website to see examples and more information.

www.InsideTheMatrix.co.uk

If you do not have a website please contact me for a quote.


Thanks for your time,

Gary Ogden

Tel: 01253 295574

Mobile: 07752 583586

(This is a one off marketing email).
#email #letter #sales #working
  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    You've already posted this email/letter and received excellent responses on how to fix it.

    We don't need to see it again.

    But I'll give the same response from a few days ago if you forgot...LOLOL

    "I recommend you get Bob Bly's million dollar email swipe file. He has great examples of emails or autoresponder sequence that you can model.

    Ray Edwards also has an excellent autoresponder product."

    We'll all just copy and paste our answers here for you.

    Best,

    Thomas O'Malley
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
      You can actually see some excellent templates for your sales letter/email in Bob Bly's Encyclopedia of Business Letters, Faxes and Emails. He explains the fundamental copywriting formula for a solid sales letter with some excellent examples (see especially chapter 11).

      I highly recommend you get a copy and model your sales letter on it.

      You can get it at amazon:

      Amazon.com: The Encyclopedia of Business Letters,...Amazon.com: The Encyclopedia of Business Letters,...
      Best,

      Thomas O'Malley
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  • Profile picture of the author jasonsluck
    Here are my thoughts:

    - First sentence should end with a question mark instead of a period.

    - In the first paragraph you talk about how people are using their phones more, why not share some hard stats, like the specific number of people that are searching with their phones? "For example, 5.2 million people access the internet from their phone, compared to 2.5 million people searching with computers, etc, etc....." If you search online you could find the real stats and numbers on these scenarios.

    - Here is another suggestion, pull up his real website on your phone, take a picture of what it looks like and send it to him, that will prove the point to him.

    Hope these tips help
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi Gary,

      The more personal you can get, to the right person,
      you will get a better response.

      At the moment, your piece is broad which leaves the reader
      saying to himself...

      "So what, how does it affect me?"

      Compare it to saying "991 people are searching for a business like
      yours in _ city every month, online, according to Google, and 34.7
      of them use a smart phone.

      If you aren't in front of these people, they can't buy from you.

      And if we say your customer is worth $59 the first visit
      and comes back 11 more times over a year,
      that person is now $708 worth to you.

      And say you get 5% of those 991 searching for a business like yours,
      then you have 49 people spending on average, $708 with you
      over the next year.

      A total of $34,692 new every month, adding up to $416,304 per year,
      and compounding.

      This $416,304 new money keeps coming in year after year like clock work.

      Do you want it, because if you don't, these buyers will find your competitors"

      See the difference?

      Now you are relevant if it's going to the right person.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    I guess I'm wondering why you're worried about email when you're dong mobile websites.

    Txt messages are the way to go.
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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      I assume that headline isn't your subject line. And it could be your subject line that needs fixing because if it misses the mark they won't even open it.

      Next, your headline doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

      You should personalise each email with the recipient's name. Take time to find out what it is. It'll be worth it.

      Back up your claims with proof. What are the stats which show how much business they're missing. What are some actual case studies of your clients which show an improvement in sales.

      Beef up your call to action. Nobody wants a quote. Tell them you'll give them a free audit of how easily they can get a mobile-ready website.

      Hugh
      Signature

      Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Banned
        Hello Gary

        It's very wishy washy. I can't see it appealing at all to any business owners here in the UK.

        Either write it out again and state your benefits upfront succinctly and clearly, to the point with no faffing about or...

        Brand yourself and your marketing message a lot more strongly.

        This just looks amateurish. Not professional at all. Can't see it converting at all well.

        Give me a shout if you need a hand.

        Best regards,


        Mark Andrews...
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        • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
          Banned
          [DELETED]
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