My site isnt converting

14 replies
Hey everyone,

I wonder if some of the copywriters could have a look at my sales page and comment on my sales copy?

When I priced the book at £10 people were buying. I changed some of the copy slightly to strengthen it, put up some graphics and increased the price to £27 when I got some really good testimonials.

All my traffic is going through a forum at the moment but im not making any sales.

105 visits over the last 4 days and no sales


Only sold 3 books at £27 in 2 weeks

Is my copy that bad?

Pre-Owned Profits The ULTIMATE RECESSION BUSTER!!!!

Thanks guys!

Ben
#converting #site
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    As one of the largest car boot sale operators in the Westcountry 20 years ago (actually running the sites) it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out what your guide is all about and from where you're getting your goods from Ben.

    Stabbing a guess at this... you're simply buying the goods at car boot sales and sticking your finds up on eBay - genius, now why didn't I think of that?

    Has it ever occurred to you that this is already what a massive part of the market is already doing? Every eBayer and car booter already knows this ploy inside out. You're about 10-15 years behind the game.

    Fair enough if you'd come up with this idea for an eBook at least 10 years ago, you might have made some money from it... but now? I highly doubt that you're ever going to achieve many sales.

    And just 3 weeks in, you haven't really had the targeted traffic to even test this properly.

    But if it helps...

    Your preheader doesn't make sense...

    Former Flat Broke Flat Screen TV Salesman Declares... (Pardon?) Too many words with double meanings render this sentence pretty much useless.

    Now your main headline...

    "Thank God For This Recession!"

    Is this seriously the most irresistible benefit driven headline you can come up with Ben?

    I think most of your potential target market are going to disagree with you on this particular point of yours. Instantly your prospective buyers are going to feel alienated by this main headline. In fact, they couldn't disagree with you more if you tried.

    In a word - it's hopeless.

    And the exclamation mark on the end isn't exactly conducive or inviting the eye or the mind of the reader to read your first sentence.

    You've instantly brought their mind to a grinding halt with the very thing which is the most important element in your entire sales copy - the main headline.

    Get rid of this headline altogether, it's not about you this headline (or sales letter come to that,) it's supposed to be about the pain experienced by your target audience and how you can turn their pain and frustration into pleasure at finding the ideal solution for their wants and needs. Not your own.

    They're asking themselves from the instant they clap their eyes on this sucker, "What's in this for me?"

    And next from this main headline they're thinking to themselves subconsciously, "A recession, bugger that malarkey, what the bloody hell is this guy going on about, thank God for this recession my foot!"

    From the outset you're filtering out the greater majority of the very people you're trying to attract to your offer.

    Down below your video you've got a much stronger possible main headline...

    "Did You Know You That Can Make More Than £1000 a WEEK Selling on eBay?"

    I'd rephrase this a little bit, get the word 'that' out for starters, it's not needed.

    You could try...

    "Do You Want to
    Know How to Make
    Over £50,000
    Per Year Part Time
    From eBay?"


    This is a much stronger benefit driven headline.

    It's going to appeal to their sense of need in this recession and their sense of emotional greed too. Instantly seeding this much larger sum of money in their mind, they're now instantly imagining what they could buy with this sum of money IF only they had an extra fifty thousand coming in each year.

    In effect you're now warming up the prospect rather than throwing a bucket of cold water over them.

    Your sub main headline, you can get rid of that too. Capitalising BECAUSE makes no sense at all. Why do you want to draw the eye of the beholder to this word beats me but there we go.

    Your video is weak. I'd ditch it. Just stick with good old fashioned sales copy to convince your potential buyers to make the purchase. This market doesn't need gimmicks. And most of them with the attention span of a goldfish, use this Youtube skin and instantly they'll be heading over to Youtube to watch the latest Jeremy Beadle video. Just dump it, keep them on the page sliding down your sales funnel. No distractions, the less filters the better.

    Your deck, introduction also needs strengthening to make it more convincing and compelling.

    What would I do with this? To be perfectly honest with you, I'd start over again. Of course, since I know this market inside out - feel welcome to give me a shout, I could knock this sales letter out in less than 3 hours drawing on my several years copywriting experience. Might stand you in with a better chance of making more sales. (Or just stick to the day job.)

    I'm sure others will chirp pretty quickly with their 2 cents too.

    Good luck and best regards,


    Mark Andrews...

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  • Profile picture of the author ChartTraderZ
    Bigger titles.

    Split-test several versions of titles, location of proof on the page. And add exit page with purchase button, that helps conversions.
    Signature

    Don't waste time, focus on the basics, take action and get paid!

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  • Profile picture of the author Toniy
    I'm gonna chirp like a mofo...

    Mark, I think I'm falling for you... that was wonderful and made laugh enough for the dog to freak out

    ChartZ... you're doing it again man, you're saying words but... they make no SENSE to someone asking for advice!

    I'm going to see if I can delve into the mind of Ben up there briefly...

    Bigger Titles - I think that's the least of my problems....
    Split-Test several versions of titles - I've got more basic things to cover before I start split testing
    Location of proof on page - Again, bigger fish to fry... and where should I try putting it?
    Add exit page with purchase button - That's nothing to do with copy, I'm asking about copy.

    Look I'm not trying to give you a hard time man, at least you seem to be trying to help... but you're not giving advice about copywriting, you're giving advice on marketing.

    Mark gave advice on copy.
    I gave advice on copy in Samir's balloon thread...

    Both of us gave him ACTIONABLE advice, things he could work on... you're just throwing words at a guy that's already clearly a little overwhelmed (No harm in that Ben! It only gets easier buddy...)

    Again, It's cool you're trying to help, but maybe give the guys some take home lessons as well...

    Incidentally, Ben... you've clearly made more of an effort with your copy than most people I've seen, you've included a lot of elements most folks leave out altogether because they're oblivious to it... but although they're there... they can (and really should) be done better.

    And I have to agree with Mark, you HAVE GOT to change that headline... I know where you were coming from you know, 'Why is he saying thank god for something so awful!' but it's a little too far into 'shock' marketing... that is shock for the sake of shock, rather than attention.

    It would actually make more sense if, (as ChartZ mentioned actually :p), you make the flat broke thing the same size and blended them together as one whole sentence... but you won't be doing that cos you gotta change it altogether

    Also as ballsy as it is to get on video, for your copy I'd also suggest you scrap it. It's more suited to an audiocast kinda thing... or something you'd send in your thankyou email.

    However you present the video well, so you gotta be proud of yourself for that... no stuttering stumbly bull****

    Also less about the rivalry with your girlfriend - It's cute but no one cares... it's not relevant to the prospects at all. They want to know how to make money, not get the gossip on you and your lady

    Never tell a person looking to make money it won't make them rich - Yes, it's bound to be true, and it's probably not what you're targeting, and it's cool you're going for truth and credibility, but throwing a dampener on their ultimate desires just ain't a smart move And if you're telling them they could earn £1,000 per week... that's rich to some people man. Especially those suffering from the recession.

    The close video... gotta change the title, no one wants to feel like they're being 'closed'. Forgetting that, they'd much rather get told in writing 'click here' rather than wait for another 60 seconds to find out... scrap it

    Mate... just get Mark to look it over, he's a good guy
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  • Profile picture of the author markpocock
    The problem with your letter is this:

    Your market has heard they can make thousands of pounds on eBay before. You're making a tired promise. It's like running a headline today that says "Lose Weight" It doesn't have any impact.

    Your market's state of awareness has moved on.

    warmly Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author Toniy
    Yeah that's something I wanted to mention actually... I'm glad you did it Mr. P

    There's no real hook that I could find... nothing that sets this product apart from any other.

    Perhaps the method is so simple that if you DID reveal any specifics, it would give the game away... but then maybe that's an issue with the product itself.

    Product may need a re-write to include a certain new 'edge', maybe not.

    But you need to differentiate yourself from everything else and eliminate the alternatives as viable solutions.
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    • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
      When I landed on the site my first impression was...

      ...why is this dude sitting there in a polo shirt looking like he just got back from spending all afternoon at the pub.
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  • Profile picture of the author Nigelonthenet
    Hey everyone,

    I wonder if some of the copywriters could have a look at my sales page and comment on my sales copy?

    When I priced the book at £10 people were buying. I changed some of the copy slightly to strengthen it, put up some graphics and increased the price to £27 when I got some really good testimonials.

    All my traffic is going through a forum at the moment but im not making any sales.

    105 visits over the last 4 days and no sales


    Only sold 3 books at £27 in 2 weeks

    Is my copy that bad?



    Thanks guys!

    Ben[/quote]

    Hello Ben, I'm not a copywriter, but from a customers point of view, as soon as I saw your site, watched your video, I immediately said to myself, " Yeh right, of course you do", which should tell you that your sales copy is full of hype,and does not work and that is just my opinion.

    I recently signed up with 3 wholesale dropshippers, and listed and listed and listed everything that you could possibly think of, like mobile phones, accessories, mp3 players, my second hand iphone, DVDs, CDs, books you name it, I listed it, ebay took £60 in fees and I made one sale £3.99

    It really annoys me when people say, I ear or I will show you how to earn £2,500 a week from ebay, most of these people are making their money by selling the printed manuals, Dvds that cost 69p to produced for £500, its the information that they are selling that makes them the money.

    I went to a seminar Oct 2009, and the guy on the stage at Londons o2, told us that he makes £100,000 a year as a marketer, I thought yeh right, look at how many people are at the o2 with a ticket seat price of £250 lol
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  • Profile picture of the author crgargan
    Just another thought...but this has to do with the marketing is that fact that now its selling for 27 instead of 10..its a large change and is enough to sway peoples decisions
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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      I switched off the moment you used the word 'God', sorry
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Originally Posted by Ben_Doyle View Post

    When I priced the book at £10 people were buying. I changed some of the copy slightly to strengthen it, put up some graphics and increased the price to £27 when I got some really good testimonials.

    Ben
    You don't have a 'copywriting problem' you have a marketing
    problem. If your book is seling well at £10 but not at £27, then
    your market is not bearing the higher price. So sell more at
    the original price and offer an UPSELL to those who buy
    the book. Provide a video course showing how you list
    your items, what tricks you use to get more sales etc.

    Offer a 30 minute consultation etc, anything that would
    increase the perceived value of the upsell.

    So there's no fatal flaw in your copy as you may think,
    just need a different approach.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      Converting 27 pounds to dollars, it turns out it's about $40. Not entirely cheap.

      Try selling it in USD so you don't limit yourself to the UK market.

      Also, you've gotta find the HOOK. The point is people are bad at selling things, so you can get them cheap. And then you need a few templates and techiques and you can easily sell them at a much higher price.

      You're taking advantage of bad sellers with good products. The sunglasses is a ripper example.

      Then push this over and over again.
      Signature

      Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer View Post

        Converting 27 pounds to dollars, it turns out it's about $40. Not entirely cheap.

        Try selling it in USD so you don't limit yourself to the UK market.
        He's got to sell this in pounds, not dollars.

        I was bang on the money up top Hugh, so I discovered through email later with Ben.

        You don't have car boot sales in the States to my knowledge. Pricing this in dollars would completely baffle the target audience which is most definitely for the UK market. And our currency is pounds and pence not dollars and cents.

        Having said that, he could adjust the content of his eBook pretty easily, coin a few other terms instead and bam... he's got another eBook which then I completely agree with you, he could target this at an international audience.

        But for this particular eBook with how it is precisely written, to sell it in dollars, just wouldn't make sense. It would actually alienate his target audience / market.

        Best,


        Mark Andrews...
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  • Profile picture of the author Toniy
    I have to agree with Mark (oh look... again :rolleyes

    However I think our cross-atlantic cousins have flea markets and garage sales as their equivalent... thrift stores...

    I watch too much selective american programming clearly... but facts is facts

    Having said that, if the traffic he's getting to his sites is that targeted (i.e. British) and healthy enough, then I don't see any need to change.

    Unless of course the guy fancied 'Breaking America', in which case yeah... flea markets :p

    He could always find a yankee JV Partner

    Toniy...

    :p
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  • Profile picture of the author leroydesjardins
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author Ben_Doyle
        Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

        As one of the largest car boot sale operators in the Westcountry 20 years ago (actually running the sites) it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out what your guide is all about and from where you're getting your goods from Ben.

        Stabbing a guess at this... you're simply buying the goods at car boot sales and sticking your finds up on eBay - genius, now why didn't I think of that?

        Has it ever occurred to you that this is already what a massive part of the market is already doing? Every eBayer and car booter already knows this ploy inside out. You're about 10-15 years behind the game.

        Fair enough if you'd come up with this idea for an eBook at least 10 years ago, you might have made some money from it... but now? I highly doubt that you're ever going to achieve many sales.

        And just 3 weeks in, you haven't really had the targeted traffic to even test this properly.

        But if it helps...

        Your preheader doesn't make sense...

        Former Flat Broke Flat Screen TV Salesman Declares... (Pardon?) Too many words with double meanings render this sentence pretty much useless.

        Now your main headline...

        "Thank God For This Recession!"

        Is this seriously the most irresistible benefit driven headline you can come up with Ben?

        I think most of your potential target market are going to disagree with you on this particular point of yours. Instantly your prospective buyers are going to feel alienated by this main headline. In fact, they couldn't disagree with you more if you tried.

        In a word - it's hopeless.

        And the exclamation mark on the end isn't exactly conducive or inviting the eye or the mind of the reader to read your first sentence.

        You've instantly brought their mind to a grinding halt with the very thing which is the most important element in your entire sales copy - the main headline.

        Get rid of this headline altogether, it's not about you this headline (or sales letter come to that,) it's supposed to be about the pain experienced by your target audience and how you can turn their pain and frustration into pleasure at finding the ideal solution for their wants and needs. Not your own.

        They're asking themselves from the instant they clap their eyes on this sucker, "What's in this for me?"

        And next from this main headline they're thinking to themselves subconsciously, "A recession, bugger that malarkey, what the bloody hell is this guy going on about, thank God for this recession my foot!"

        From the outset you're filtering out the greater majority of the very people you're trying to attract to your offer.

        Down below your video you've got a much stronger possible main headline...

        "Did You Know You That Can Make More Than £1000 a WEEK Selling on eBay?"

        I'd rephrase this a little bit, get the word 'that' out for starters, it's not needed.

        You could try...

        "Do You Want to
        Know How to Make
        Over £50,000
        Per Year Part Time
        From eBay?"


        This is a much stronger benefit driven headline.

        It's going to appeal to their sense of need in this recession and their sense of emotional greed too. Instantly seeding this much larger sum of money in their mind, they're now instantly imagining what they could buy with this sum of money IF only they had an extra fifty thousand coming in each year.

        In effect you're now warming up the prospect rather than throwing a bucket of cold water over them.

        Your sub main headline, you can get rid of that too. Capitalising BECAUSE makes no sense at all. Why do you want to draw the eye of the beholder to this word beats me but there we go.

        Your video is weak. I'd ditch it. Just stick with good old fashioned sales copy to convince your potential buyers to make the purchase. This market doesn't need gimmicks. And most of them with the attention span of a goldfish, use this Youtube skin and instantly they'll be heading over to Youtube to watch the latest Jeremy Beadle video. Just dump it, keep them on the page sliding down your sales funnel. No distractions, the less filters the better.

        Your deck, introduction also needs strengthening to make it more convincing and compelling.

        What would I do with this? To be perfectly honest with you, I'd start over again. Of course, since I know this market inside out - feel welcome to give me a shout, I could knock this sales letter out in less than 3 hours drawing on my several years copywriting experience. Might stand you in with a better chance of making more sales. (Or just stick to the day job.)

        I'm sure others will chirp pretty quickly with their 2 cents too.

        Good luck and best regards,


        Mark Andrews...



        Never thought I'd thank some for kicking arse on a public forum but here we go....

        Thanks Mark!

        I look forward to seeing what you knock up for me!

        Originally Posted by ChartTraderZ View Post

        Bigger titles.

        Split-test several versions of titles, location of proof on the page. And add exit page with purchase button, that helps conversions.
        That went straight over my head!

        Originally Posted by Toniy View Post

        I'm gonna chirp like a mofo...

        Mark, I think I'm falling for you... that was wonderful and made laugh enough for the dog to freak out

        ChartZ... you're doing it again man, you're saying words but... they make no SENSE to someone asking for advice!

        I'm going to see if I can delve into the mind of Ben up there briefly...

        Bigger Titles - I think that's the least of my problems....
        Split-Test several versions of titles - I've got more basic things to cover before I start split testing
        Location of proof on page - Again, bigger fish to fry... and where should I try putting it?
        Add exit page with purchase button - That's nothing to do with copy, I'm asking about copy.

        Look I'm not trying to give you a hard time man, at least you seem to be trying to help... but you're not giving advice about copywriting, you're giving advice on marketing.

        Mark gave advice on copy.
        I gave advice on copy in Samir's balloon thread...

        Both of us gave him ACTIONABLE advice, things he could work on... you're just throwing words at a guy that's already clearly a little overwhelmed (No harm in that Ben! It only gets easier buddy...)

        Again, It's cool you're trying to help, but maybe give the guys some take home lessons as well...

        Incidentally, Ben... you've clearly made more of an effort with your copy than most people I've seen, you've included a lot of elements most folks leave out altogether because they're oblivious to it... but although they're there... they can (and really should) be done better.

        And I have to agree with Mark, you HAVE GOT to change that headline... I know where you were coming from you know, 'Why is he saying thank god for something so awful!' but it's a little too far into 'shock' marketing... that is shock for the sake of shock, rather than attention.

        It would actually make more sense if, (as ChartZ mentioned actually :p), you make the flat broke thing the same size and blended them together as one whole sentence... but you won't be doing that cos you gotta change it altogether

        Also as ballsy as it is to get on video, for your copy I'd also suggest you scrap it. It's more suited to an audiocast kinda thing... or something you'd send in your thankyou email.

        However you present the video well, so you gotta be proud of yourself for that... no stuttering stumbly bull****

        Also less about the rivalry with your girlfriend - It's cute but no one cares... it's not relevant to the prospects at all. They want to know how to make money, not get the gossip on you and your lady

        Never tell a person looking to make money it won't make them rich - Yes, it's bound to be true, and it's probably not what you're targeting, and it's cool you're going for truth and credibility, but throwing a dampener on their ultimate desires just ain't a smart move And if you're telling them they could earn £1,000 per week... that's rich to some people man. Especially those suffering from the recession.

        The close video... gotta change the title, no one wants to feel like they're being 'closed'. Forgetting that, they'd much rather get told in writing 'click here' rather than wait for another 60 seconds to find out... scrap it

        Mate... just get Mark to look it over, he's a good guy
        Hey Toniy!

        Thanks for your input and friendly advice. You got my thought process spot on!

        Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

        I switched off the moment you used the word 'God', sorry
        Helpful that!

        Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

        You are in Britain, so where is the legally required full contact details?
        Your being helpful again aren't you!

        My question was on copywriting. If you've not got anything helpful to say then join another thread.
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