Differentiating my "Make Money" copywriting from the competition?

I found some of your subheading and other "down the page" text to be more compelling than the headline: "Make Money Buying and Selling Cell Phones". You mentioned that there's a huge untapped market for this kind of thing and that it requires no start-up costs. That would grab my attention more than would "Make Money Buying and Selling Cell Phones". Can you get a number on the amount of money reportedly made last year (or last month, whatever) selling cell phones? Or is there a case study revealing that "this person" made "X amount of money" selling cell phones? If so, put some type of hard number in the headline to prove your contention and get your reader to want to know how to tap this "secret market". You could always use your self as that case study, since this is something you have been making money doing.

Also, in the dot-bordered box, you state "there's start up costs or previous knowledge necessary". Based on your previous statement that no start up cost is involved, I assume this was a typo in the dot-bordered box. You would want to fix that so as not to confuse readers, or drive a potential sale away.

One other bit that seemed to pull my attention was "making money on the side". This sort of makes it sound like "side money", "spending money", or "pocket change". If this was not your intent (and it might have been for all I know about it), consider revising that statement.

I hope this helps and best wishes for prosperity!

Oh wow, terrible typo of mine! Terrible, lol. Thanks for finding that. Thanks for all the suggestions, really, really appreciated!! On it all now.

It's pretty sparse; I'd be hard pressed to call it a letter - you need a LOT more to differentiate than some gimmick. Where's your discovery story, for instance? There's so many people playing the mobile angle right now you really need to distinguish yourself - explain your method versus that of others, break out some real stories of proof from yourself and your customers. Just scanning the page, I'd place the price at $17 at most, not $37. Since the product is all about buying and selling, you really need to show clearly how the numbers work. Generate a formula, even. If you have a lot of good practical information in the 50 pages, you shouldn't be afraid to reveal the basics at least on the sales page.

Hope this gets you a little further along.

WHAT I LIKED:

Your enthusiasm in the video. Its contagious, you're excited, your bouncing off the walls you're giving off energy.

Presence of over priced phones. The fact that there are dozens of iPhones selling for hundreds above market value is something I didn't even know of.

WHAT I BELIEVE COULD BE IMPROVED:

The header design. To me it brought down the value of your sales page. It seemed like those designs put together by someone using Microsoft Paint.

You said free but then charge for it. The video seems to show an email optin form which is different from the landing page of the video itself.

Video says "download this 50 page ebook free"... but there's no such option on the landing page.

There is a $37 buy button though.

Presentation of cash proof. Perhaps you could have tallied all the money you've made so far and then make the amount a catchy sub-headline. There was way too many arrows pointing everywhere.

Product name. Personally I would go with a cooler name and something without a word that suggests that I have to "sell" something. Remove the word "sell" completely. Perhaps something like, "Cellphone Millionaire" / "Rapid Cellphone Profits" / "Hidden Cellphone Cash"

Thank you! As for the video -- yes, I had an opt-in form for a long time and recently removed it to increase the sales for affiliates. I'll be putting up another video soon as I just removed it to not confuse people.

Everyone has been very,very helpful!

Hey Ross! I think you've got a very effective page here... especially on some points where you really appeal to the audience's emotion and desire. Most of what I found wrong can be fixed with small grammatical tweaks, so I've simply copied the sentences that need help and then written a different version of each of them for you. Take them or leave them, lol... but I hope they help! My suggestions are in blue and red.


Make More Than You Think With 30 Minutes A Day.

Just 30 Minutes A Day = More Money Than You're Thinking


There's a huge, unsaturated market in front of your eyes that you're unaware of!

*** I love the line where you ask if they can smell it! That's why I think you should change the line above to this:

There's a huge unsaturated market that you're unaware of -- and it's right under your nose!


The Phone 4 sell in stores for $199 and $500+ on eBay -- can you answer
why?

The iPhone 4 sells in stores for $199 and $500+ on eBay -- can you answer why?


This is an entrepreneurial business model I've created and has brought
me success for nearly three years. There's NO start-up costs or previous knowledge necessary.

This entrepreneurial business model I've created has brought me success for nearly three years. There are NO start-up costs and no previous knowledge is necessary.


* Where to buy and sell cell phones, how to maximize profits, the value of new, used, and broken cell phones.
* How to assess condition and functionality, benefit from networking, and make cost-effective trades.
* How much to pay for cell phones in brand new, used, completely shattered and unusable conditions.
* Inevitable mistakes explained and how to overcome then before they even happen.

(take the periods out of the above... they are not complete sentences so they don't need periods.)



Inevitable mistakes explained and how to overcome then before they even happen.

Inevitable mistakes explained and how to overcome them before they even happen.


The information in this package I've spent over 2 years in the business to fully comprehend. I'm here to tell you everything I know.

I've spent over 2 years in this business learning what works and what doesn't. Now I'm here to tell you everything I know with this package.

Once again, hope this helps ya! I love to help so hit me up if you have any questions!

I really love the following line by Lora:
There's a huge unsaturated market that you're unaware of -- and it's right under your nose!

I don't know if the copywriters here work with NLP in their sales writing, but that line is rather genius when looking from an NLP viewpoint. Nero-Linguistic programming theory teaches to pay attention to whether a person says he "feels" this or that or he "sees it this way" and so forth, the thought being that such language provides valuable insight as to whether that person is more auditory, visual, tactile, or etc. I think that same information is quite valuable in developing sales copy. Since the OP is already using the olfactory sense in another line (about "can you smell it?"), Lora Lee's suggestion of "right under your nose" works very well. The person who would be prompted by using the sense of smell (to create identification with the end result of purchase), will be moved a little deeper into the process by the line she suggested.

I hear you.. it felt great seeing that line.

Thank you a million times! Embarrassed about some of those mistakes. Made all the changes. Thank you VERY much!

Haha, thanks for the encouragement, my tail is still between my legs though. Have a great day!