7 replies
I wrote the copy on lowermycreditcardpayments.com when I was new to IM. It has an extremely high bounce rate. I looked through the list of rules to follow in copywriting and couldn't see that I had violated any major ones. Could some of you point out which ones I need to pay the most attention to when I rewrite it?
#critiques #wanted
  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    If I were in your shoes, I'd find people who were in debt and ask them what they thought. They're going to respond emotionally and genuinely. Who knows, maybe they came to the site looking for something else; a magic button to lower their payment, maybe, and when they see it's a write-up of things they'd have to DO, they bolt.

    Since the bounce rate is high, maybe they came in from a similar search phrase but it wasn't what they wanted. In that case, the copy would be irrelevant.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4882682].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      Well it isnt a sales letter by any stretch of the imagination.

      It looks like a poorly formatted article from the early 90's.

      I am guessing that you are promoting the 50% off consultation. Yet it is only mentioned once at the beginning and once in that clickable photo (Plus there is an amazon store thingy right next to it?? how confident can you be about your consultation if you are also showing them other authors books about it?).

      There is no call to action.

      No real headline.

      Nothing really. Again it looks like an article with a mere mention of the fact that they can get a 50% off consultation.

      I would honestly suggest you go to the warriors for hire or wso section and hire a professional.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4882809].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author vServer Center
    I think the bounce rate has more to do with the design than the content. When I load the page here there is no text on screen until I scroll down.

    Also 'Free gift for speaking with us' sounds like on that call your going to get a really hard sell. I would try changing phrases like that to:

    Give us a call! We have certified experts ready to provide a free 30 minute consultation and all callers will receive our free brochure on your legal rights when dealing with debt.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4882808].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Derek Pankaew
    Yeah - The design kills it before I even read a word of copy.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4883542].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      The design looks like a throw back to something from about the turn of the century.

      Your first paragraph under...

      Renegotiate

      ...needs splitting up. This is one hec of a mouthful to take in at the start of your pitch. Use more 'white' space. Try not to overwhelm your target market with too much information at the start of your sales copy.

      But before you do anything else...

      Switch out the website design, it's bloomin' awful.

      Best,


      Mark Andrews...
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4883662].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author go4wealth
    Hey as I have said before I am not a Copywriter even though I enjoy learning as much as I can about the subject.

    Regarding your sales letter..I would never read it because it is simply to hard to read.. or as stated by others ...very poorly formatted..

    You have an emotional topic and you need to play on the emotions ... depression, worry, fear, children, loss of prestige and more need to be woven into your copy

    Your headlines really need improvement....

    Would say more but got to go... good luck
    Signature

    Get Unlimited Voice, Unlimited Text, Unlimited Data/Web on a blazing fast 4g Network for $49/month ... all iPhones supported ... (option to get unlimited everything for Free also available) Click here to learn more

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4885536].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author kcfried
    The layout is weak and there is little to no emotion reflected back to visitor. Know your prospect and their problems. Feel their pain. Reflect it back to them and give them a solution to their problems. They are at point A and they want to get to point B. Tell them you know what point A feels like and how by doing this step or steps they'll achieve B. Also, give benefits that they can visualize when they make that phone call. People just want to be happy and out of their current mess.
    Signature
    Niche Miner
    Niche and Product Research will Never Be the Same

    Dig Up Profitable Niches & Products on Facebook, Pinterest and Google in Seconds - All For Free!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4896356].message }}

Trending Topics