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Critique of copy for a post card mailing

by brundleflyguy
8 replies
I'm working on a post card to prospects in the next couple of weeks. I'm using a post card as that has been very effective when sending to current clients, and I want to offer the service to a wider audience. I've tried to keep the formatting true to the actual post card, but of course, some of it doesn't translate onto a web forum. Any suggestions or criticism would be greatly appreciated, as I am not a great writer (though I've learned a lot - I think - by reading these forums.) I've gone through Chris Ramsey's checklist and I think I've covered all the basics (though there's probably a lot I've missed.)

=====================
Main Body Text

Are you sick and tired of waiting for your slow computer?
Are there days your computer is just so frustrating you want to throw it out the window and go back to pen and paper?

Almost every computer runs much more slowly than it should. Viruses and file corruption cause crashes and errors, old junk files take up space and slow your computer down.
We have the solution to your problem.
At [Company Name], we've spent the last 30 years learning all the tricks and tweaks to make your computer run faster and more reliably so you spend less time waiting for it, or worrying that it might crash and lose all your data.
Bring your computer into [Company Names]'s Computer Spa and we'll make it run faster (probably even faster than when it was new).
We will clean off any viruses, clean up the hard drive, test all your hardware, make sure all your software is up to date, tweak your computer to make it fly, and install a one-year subscription to the world's best anti-virus. And if you bring in the coupon below, we'll do all this for the special rate we normally reserve for our best clients, just because we hate slow computers just as much as you do.
=================

Coupon Text
Bring in this coupon by
[Date]
and you will receive our Gold Computer Tune Up Service.
We will:
1)Remove any infections, 2)clean up file corruption, 3)remove all junk files, 4)thoroughly test all your hardware, 5)make sure Windows and all your software is up to date, 6)apply our UltraPerformance™ tweaks, 7)optimize your hard drive, 8)innoculate your computer to prevent advertising pop-ups, 9)install the best anti-virus on the planet.
All for only $XX.
(A savings of $YY!)
==================

Thanks for any advice.

Jim
#card #copy #critique #mailing #post
  • Profile picture of the author IdrisSG
    Sounds like you've got a great offer.

    However the copy reads too general. Its targetting too many people.

    For example, you could tighten up your headline by making it more specific.

    From this:

    "Are You Sick And Tired Of Waiting For Your Slow Computer?"

    To This:

    "Speed Up Your Computer, Get Your Work Done Faster And Take More Breaks"

    Essentially you've got to know why the guys/gals reading your postcard want a faster computer.

    Also a biggy...

    You didn't sufficiently tie up your solution to the problem.

    For example:

    Your solution is "Remove any infections"

    But in your copy when you talk about infections you only say... "Viruses and file corruption cause crashes and errors, old junk files take up space and slow your computer down."

    How about something along the lines of...

    "According to Wiley & Brothers (a computer security research firm) that's spent the last 3 years and $1.2 million on this computer safety and speed study; '8 out of 10 computers are running 50% slower than they are supposed to'... that's like driving a car with only two wheels!

    But its worse than that because infections from a single computer Virus can wipe out your entire hard disk memory, erasing years of your hard work in mere minutes even if you've got the latest anti-virus updates"

    I'd prefer it if there was a central enemy which you can play off and viruses looks like a good enemy, or even trojan horses. << sounds scarier





    Originally Posted by brundleflyguy View Post

    I'm working on a post card to prospects in the next couple of weeks. I'm using a post card as that has been very effective when sending to current clients, and I want to offer the service to a wider audience. I've tried to keep the formatting true to the actual post card, but of course, some of it doesn't translate onto a web forum. Any suggestions or criticism would be greatly appreciated, as I am not a great writer (though I've learned a lot - I think - by reading these forums.) I've gone through Chris Ramsey's checklist and I think I've covered all the basics (though there's probably a lot I've missed.)

    =====================
    Main Body Text

    Are you sick and tired of waiting for your slow computer?
    Are there days your computer is just so frustrating you want to throw it out the window and go back to pen and paper?

    Almost every computer runs much more slowly than it should. Viruses and file corruption cause crashes and errors, old junk files take up space and slow your computer down.
    We have the solution to your problem.
    At [Company Name], we've spent the last 30 years learning all the tricks and tweaks to make your computer run faster and more reliably so you spend less time waiting for it, or worrying that it might crash and lose all your data.
    Bring your computer into [Company Names]'s Computer Spa and we'll make it run faster (probably even faster than when it was new).
    We will clean off any viruses, clean up the hard drive, test all your hardware, make sure all your software is up to date, tweak your computer to make it fly, and install a one-year subscription to the world's best anti-virus. And if you bring in the coupon below, we'll do all this for the special rate we normally reserve for our best clients, just because we hate slow computers just as much as you do.
    =================

    Coupon Text
    Bring in this coupon by
    [Date]
    and you will receive our Gold Computer Tune Up Service.
    We will:
    1)Remove any infections, 2)clean up file corruption, 3)remove all junk files, 4)thoroughly test all your hardware, 5)make sure Windows and all your software is up to date, 6)apply our UltraPerformance™ tweaks, 7)optimize your hard drive, 8)innoculate your computer to prevent advertising pop-ups, 9)install the best anti-virus on the planet.
    All for only .
    (A savings of !)
    ==================

    Thanks for any advice.

    Jim
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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      I would have issues with this bit "And if you bring in the coupon below, we'll do all this for the special rate we normally reserve for our best clients, just because we hate slow computers just as much as you do."

      This implies that you regularly charge more than you need to when Mr Joe Average buys from you, and there are these 'more important people' who get special prices. Maybe it is just me, but I don't like elitism like this.

      I appreciate this is probably not really what happens, many companies offer particularly good customers special deals to keep them sweet, but no one likes to think that they have to pay more to get exactly the same thing as another person gets for less. So shouting that you do this might make some people (like me) feel less positive about you.

      I would be much happier if it was just a 'special rate this month because we hate slow computers ...' or whatever.

      This could be just me, of course, heh
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      • Profile picture of the author Everton1
        Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

        I would have issues with this bit "And if you bring in the coupon below, we'll do all this for the special rate we normally reserve for our best clients, just because we hate slow computers just as much as you do."

        This implies that you regularly charge more than you need to when Mr Joe Average buys from you, and there are these 'more important people' who get special prices. Maybe it is just me, but I don't like elitism like this.

        I appreciate this is probably not really what happens, many companies offer particularly good customers special deals to keep them sweet, but no one likes to think that they have to pay more to get exactly the same thing as another person gets for less. So shouting that you do this might make some people (like me) feel less positive about you.

        I would be much happier if it was just a 'special rate this month because we hate slow computers ...' or whatever.

        This could be just me, of course, heh


        This could be just me, of course, heh
        No, that is a BIG sore thumb and needs pointing out. (even though I'm new and nobody)
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      • Profile picture of the author brundleflyguy
        Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

        I would have issues with this bit "And if you bring in the coupon below, we'll do all this for the special rate we normally reserve for our best clients, just because we hate slow computers just as much as you do."

        This implies that you regularly charge more than you need to when Mr Joe Average buys from you, and there are these 'more important people' who get special prices. Maybe it is just me, but I don't like elitism like this.

        This could be just me, of course, heh
        You're right. I added this because I was thinking about the offers one sees for Ford, Dodge, etc, where they offer employee pricing, but that's kind of dumb, since the big guys are almost always wrong with their marketing. I'm going to pull that part. Thanks.
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    • Profile picture of the author brundleflyguy
      Originally Posted by IdrisSG View Post

      Sounds like you've got a great offer.

      However the copy reads too general. Its targetting too many people.

      For example, you could tighten up your headline by making it more specific.

      From this:

      "Are You Sick And Tired Of Waiting For Your Slow Computer?"

      To This:

      "Speed Up Your Computer, Get Your Work Done Faster And Take More Breaks"

      Essentially you've got to know why the guys/gals reading your postcard want a faster computer.

      Also a biggy...

      You didn't sufficiently tie up your solution to the problem.

      For example:

      Your solution is "Remove any infections"

      But in your copy when you talk about infections you only say... "Viruses and file corruption cause crashes and errors, old junk files take up space and slow your computer down."

      How about something along the lines of...

      "According to Wiley & Brothers (a computer security research firm) that's spent the last 3 years and $1.2 million on this computer safety and speed study; '8 out of 10 computers are running 50% slower than they are supposed to'... that's like driving a car with only two wheels!

      But its worse than that because infections from a single computer Virus can wipe out your entire hard disk memory, erasing years of your hard work in mere minutes even if you've got the latest anti-virus updates"

      I'd prefer it if there was a central enemy which you can play off and viruses looks like a good enemy, or even trojan horses. << sounds scarier
      Thanks for your suggestions. I think you're right on the "generalness" of the offer, but I'm targeting home users, so I'm not sure if getting their work done faster is the right hook, but I get what you're saying and I'm going to work on it. I truly appreciate your time.

      Jim
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  • Profile picture of the author lenlatimer
    Add some testimonials
    Make the offer simpler- its a little too wordy and geeky.
    Maybe the anti-virus should not be part of the base offer, but rather an upsale (once they have it fixed, they'll want to keep it fixed)
    Offer a Strong Guarantee- reverse the risk.
    Signature

    Len Latimer
    Copy-In-A-Box, an amazing Word Add-in Tool that adds Dazzle & Personality to your copy. My WSO

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    • Profile picture of the author brundleflyguy
      Originally Posted by lenlatimer View Post

      Add some testimonials
      Make the offer simpler- its a little too wordy and geeky.
      Maybe the anti-virus should not be part of the base offer, but rather an upsale (once they have it fixed, they'll want to keep it fixed)
      Offer a Strong Guarantee- reverse the risk.
      Ok, I'll try to tighten up the offer (I am a computer guy, so I guess the techie stuff just comes naturally.)

      I do need to get testimonials, but like most businesses, I'm too stupid (or lazy or shy or whatever) to ask for them. I'll work on that.

      I'll also work on the guarantee. Previously, we had been offering "we guarantee that your computer will be at least 25% faster, or the work is free." Didn't seem to have much draw, so either it's too weak or I'm missing something.

      Since the #1 thing people complain about when they come in the shop is slowness, that's why I'm focusing on that pain point.

      Thanks for your advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author apolwar
    Originally Posted by brundleflyguy View Post


    Almost every computer runs much more slowly than it should. Viruses and file corruption cause crashes and errors, old junk files take up space and slow your computer down.
    We have the solution to your problem.
    At [Company Name], we've spent the last 30 years learning all the tricks and tweaks to make your computer run faster and more reliably so you spend less time waiting for it, or worrying that it might crash and lose all your data.
    Shouldn't it be 'computer runs much slower than it should'? And also 'computer runs faster and more reliable'?
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4916886].message }}

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