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This is my first sales copy. I'm excited!

by ipdster
10 replies
Hi, I wrote a opt-in page for a report: travelandgetlaid.com

I'm planning on sending PPC traffic to it and then offering a full book to the list. What do you think of the sales copy?

I don't have the report ready so the opt-in does not work yet. Please be honest with your comments about the sales page. I won't take any offense. Thanks!
#copy #excited #sales
  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    It would seem that my dream of traveling and getting laid will never become a reality.

    Your URL doesn't work.

    -Angel
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    • Profile picture of the author ipdster
      Ok, thank you Angel. It's working now.


      I'm going to need to change hosting companies...
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      • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
        Here's some thoughts.
        • Change the headline to... "Discover The 4 Secrets To Getting Laid While On Vacation"
        • Toss in a sexy picture under the headline - this will really grab the eye of a guy looking for this and keep him on the page longer. You'll likely want to have a few of these throughout the letter.
        • Have you thought about doing a video? Since you're running a squeeze page, a short 30-40 second video explaining why your visitor should subscribe would be good.
        • Generally, shorter is better for squeeze pages. Take the bullets at the bottom, move them to the top, and insert a form underneath it.
        • Make your paragraphs shorter, no more than 2-3 lines each.

        You've done a pretty good job on the copy, it's just a lot longer than necessary.

        Guys who want to get laid on vacation don't need much of a reason other than that - so all you'll really need to do is tell them that they can get laid on vacation and your free report exposes all the dirty secrets "they" don't want him to know.

        In this case, "they" could be society and the "norms" that are put on guys who just want to f***.
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  • Profile picture of the author KimboJim
    The copy is pretty good I think, much better than a lot of other opt-ins I've critiqued. There is some fluff that can be shortened to make this quicker to read, but outside that, the content is pretty solid.

    I agree that a sexy pic would help keep any guy's attention. The copy itself can do that, but since men are so inundated by anything sexy (being a man, I would know), you are sure to keep their eyes on your page.

    Now, this applies more if you were selling the report instead of giving it away for free, but it could help if you gave away one of the tips. If the one tip seems useful, then this will make them trust your free report even more.

    I also think that you don't use the highlight function enough. You used it at the top to great effect, but then you drop it entirely. I think adding it another 2-3 times may help, but that is up to you.

    Overall, good page. Just needs a little fixing up and it should be good to go.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Honestly? Cut all the copy above "But It Can Be Easy."

      All that's just talk. This is a squeeze page - get right down to it.

      "Hey, there's a way to do it. After doing X, Y, and Z, I figured out how."

      You've got that starting at that point.

      So get rid of all that **** above that subhead, including the subhead.

      Like someone above suggested, turn the current deck into the headline.

      Bam. You've got a squeeze.

      Your problem here is you're treating the squeeze like a sales page. Which it is, but not this kind. Just credentialize yourself, tell them you can make good on your promise, and you're off to the races.

      -Angel
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      • Profile picture of the author ipdster
        Thank you everyone!! That was very helpful. I'm going to implement your suggestions now.

        Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey View Post

        Here's some thoughts.[*]Generally, shorter is better for squeeze pages. Take the bullets at the bottom, move them to the top, and insert a form underneath it.
        By "form" are you referring to the opt-in form?


        Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

        Like someone above suggested, turn the current deck into the headline.
        What do you mean by "current deck"? Thanks.
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        • Profile picture of the author IdrisSG
          I'd suggest instead of a huge Download button at the bottom...

          Load up an optin box.

          And if you want to stick to the long copy format, I'd suggest utilising the space to the max.

          Fill up the right hand side's white space with testimonials of delighted readers.

          You can hand out review copies or ask about what people think of the information contained in the guide.

          You may also include juicy little secrets about the book itself. Previews if you will, along the right sidebar.

          Good luck
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  • Profile picture of the author charlieNY
    Definitely a sexy picture - eye candy is better than a thousand words.

    Copy sells - but I would start off with a sub-head that gets right to the point.

    "On My Last 5 Trips I Had Sex 5 Times (3 were great!) - and I am just an average looking Joe".

    That to me is the hook - you're appealing not to the guys who naturally attract girls, but guys who are insecure because of their looks, personality, income etc. -
    In other words - don't write to everyone - write to a very targeted audience - that's where the sales are. Gear all your copy towards that targeted audience. The mnore focused you are -- the sharper and more effective your copy will be.

    I have decades of award-winning experience in major NY and LA ad agencies as a writer and creative director. Just sharing some critiques I would make if you presented this to me on behalf of an agency client.
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    • Profile picture of the author shirland
      Originally Posted by charlieNY View Post

      Definitely a sexy picture - eye candy is better than a thousand words.

      Copy sells - but I would start off with a sub-head that gets right to the point.

      "On My Last 5 Trips I Had Sex 5 Times (3 were great!) - and I am just an average looking Joe".

      That to me is the hook - you're appealing not to the guys who naturally attract girls, but guys who are insecure because of their looks, personality, income etc. -
      In other words - don't write to everyone - write to a very targeted audience - that's where the sales are. Gear all your copy towards that targeted audience. The mnore focused you are -- the sharper and more effective your copy will be.

      I have decades of award-winning experience in major NY and LA ad agencies as a writer and creative director. Just sharing some critiques I would make if you presented this to me on behalf of an agency client.
      Great suggestions, Defining his target market and focusing on them would yield him better results.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    I would really tighten up your copy.

    Too much copy for a squeeze page.

    Use a powerful headline, subhead, short paragraph and then some top notch bullets with a strong call to action.
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