Please View and Critique My First Sales Page

I think it's all right, if a bit over the top (still trying to visualize the awesome beauty of a link pyramid). Kinda rolls me over with the adverbs. Some copywriter woke up on the orgasm side of the bed! (eww linkjuice)

Really did like the "more small print" header, says honest explanation to me. The sentence starting that section was overlong, though.

Without going into detail I think it's decent. I'm finding a lot of sales letters in this niche antagonizing software or systems only to give a new one. I'd think it's getting tiresome by now but research should be able to justify or eliminate my assumptions.

A way you can get around the jargon you've developed is by saying something like

"You don't have to know what a [jargon], [jargon], or [jargon] are to have them do [insert big benefit/promise here] for you. . . but in case you were wondering. . . [explain]"

That way the reader doesn't have to dwell on them, but you still give them the authenticity and professionalism of the fancy terms.

Another thing is 3 for the price of 2.

I still have to pay for 2?!

"And one is completely FREE" is better that "You still have to pay for 2"

I'll leave te rest for others to chime in.

Hope that helps.

Remember samd123

The best thing about this process is that some of us have an idea about how to do it better. . . but we really don't know for sure until it's tested.

So take any and all advice you get with a grain of salt. You're willing to accept criticism and revise. That's more than most.

If you hit a snag and things fall through, go back and revise and tweak it until it works. Use books, advice, your own experience and a little research and it will all start to come together.

Good luck with your campaign.

samd123,

I would test your page as is.

Even though the copy needs improvement, there's something about it that gives the offer integrity.

Since you're not "a professional copywriter," I think real buyers, interested in this type of service, will cut you some slack.

The only other comment I'll make is that you should be open to testing the price.

Good luck and much success,

- Rick Duris

Biggest problem I had was figuring out what the offer was quickly.

Personal taste, but I found the use of font sizes/colors a bit jarring - it's not clear in the top half what's a heading and what's body copy.

there's nothing wrong with pressing the delete key and just writing completely new versions from scratch every day, let's say, for 10 days in a row.

i have several sites that dominate the search engines, and well -- i feel it is a common and unfortunate mistake for people to equate search engine position with profit.

i think "google love rocket" is somehow hilarious and compelling.

and even though i really have multiple 1st page listings, i don't know what

"DOMINATES THE SERPS!"

even means.

so, on one level, you are using your technical language, but selling to people who don't know it. so, maybe concentrate on explaining to me, in common language, why what you are talking about is even important.

also, i can't imagine that google love rocket is taken

or serp love rocket dot com

next, this one might come off as a bit mean, but the following makes me want to vomit:

"A purpose built bespoke SENukeX run that will give you backlink URLs, GUARANTEED:"

i am supposed to want a "bespoke SENukeX?" the word SE X with Nuke in the middle of it --- for backlinks?

i mean, i figure i'll get ethical backlinks without asking for them if my content is good. or?

also: i think those pictures make me want to hire you more than they make me want to buy your product.

my mind goes: ok, you use all those gizmos and do what you need to do, if i see results, i'm happy. the last thing i want to add to my day is looking at more tech stuff.

so, essentially, my suggestion is: take those fancy pictures and your compelling sincerity, add at least $1000 to the price tag, and sell your services instead.

i mean, sure, sell the software or whatever it is, but really, sell the fact that you know how to use the gizmos, sell your personal attention, and then all those charts just make me go wow and think you're cool.

if you want me to look at those charts, i want to go sailing.

I think the body copy is good, and sells the benefits enough. I think the best thing to work on is the intro.

I don't know too much about the product, but I think I'd come under the target market for the sales piece (anyone with a website wants it to appear higher in search rankings). I didn't realise what the product was or how it could help until a bit further down. I'd sell the key benefits up front and then get into more detail.

But otherwise, a good sales piece. Perhaps a more clear call to action? I like it as it is but maybe something a bit more visual, maybe a Johnson box?

I hope this helps.

So your offer won't be on this site design?
Well that's good, because i think theres a little bit to much space in the header section and there could be more border on the left also. Just my design insights, which might not be the most important thing, but well i'm not really an expert in selling

Huh? who is your market, are they going to understand this?