My Sales Letter

by Kate Campbell

Posted: 14 years ago 9 replies

COPY WRITING

Hey Warriors!

My Temporary Sales Letter - Click Here.

Take a look only at content.

Please be honest with your comments about the sales page. How Can I improve it?

Thanks.

-Kate.

#page #sales

Mark Andrews Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Kate Campbell

Hey Warriors!

My Temporary Sales Letter - Click Here.

Please be honest with your comments about the sales page. How Can I improve it?

Thanks.

-Kate.

If you landed on this page Kate and looked at this 'sales copy'... would you honestly buy this product if it wasn't yours, based on this sales pitch?

Best,

Mark Andrews
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- 1 reply
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- Kate Campbell 14 years ago
  
  @Mark.
  It is not finally sales page, take a look only at content.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Andrew Gould 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Kate Campbell
  
  @Mark.
  It is not finally sales page, take a look only at content.
  
  When you're asking for free advice from professionals, the very least you could do is format your copy so it's readable.
  
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  Andrew Gould
  
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zannix 14 years ago

Hi Kate,

One observation - I find it strange to end a headline with !!!."

Secondly, 50% (or more) of a sales letter is in its visual representation, so it's really hard to tell whether it'll sell or not.

Oh, and btw - "Why are YOU going to success?" I'm not 100% sure, but you might mean "Why are YOU going to succeed?"

All the best,
Zannix
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EricMN 14 years ago

Hey Kate,

I don't have enough time to critique the whole page, but there are 2 things I want to mention that will help you out.

1. Headline- "I use to Make Thousands of Dollars"

How many thousands? 2,549.54? 80,556.07? 300,054.10?? Don't wait until the body to tell me.

2. Go through your copy and everytime you see the word "such", either get rid of it or change it. It makes it seem like you can only phrase sentences one way. It lingers and gets annoying.

"How would You Feel If You Earned Such Big Money Within Several Months For NOW?"

This is an example. It also doesn't make sense, you didn't capitalize one word (why, I don't know) and it's as vague as your original headline.

Hope that helps.
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- Azarna 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by EricMN
  
  1. Headline- "I use to Make Thousands of Dollars"
  
  It should be 'I used to...'
  
  Thanks
  
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gjabiz 14 years ago

When are earnings DANGEROUSLY HIGH? What happens? I get sent to the Artic? HYPE and totally does nothing to advance the copy...try again, don't give a warning like this.

10 Clicks? That's a lot of work, I'm lazy, I want a ONE LINK solution to ______????

You have links spread througout the page, one right under the headline...to what??? A buy button??? Why are you giving the reader an opportunity to leave the page before they even grasp what you are offering? Doesn't make sense to me.

After the Dear Warrior salutation, I found it difficult to read, many spelling errors, but then I see it is a WSO...with bonus after bonus...and for 27 dollars...

when I came to the conclusion that as a piece of copy trying to sell something...it stinks and needs to be totally, and I mean totally rewritten...

but as a WSO, it may work just fine.

As a piece of copy, THE CONTENT ONLY, was horrible...unpersuasive, no good reason to get interested, unbeliveable...simply horrible...

but, it is full of HYPE, so, I suspect as a WSO you will do well with it.

Good luck.

gjabiz

PS. After reading it all, I found the design and layout to be much better than the CONTENT.
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- Steve The Copywriter 14 years ago
  
  Kate,
  
  Welcome to the wonderful world of copywriting!
  
  I always think it's a shame when you're brave enough to ask for a critique.
  
  And you get slammed.
  
  Don't take it personally - no one is having a pop at you - only the copy.
  
  Now...
  
  Let's assume you do have a really outstandingly good product (if it isn't - and can't ever be made to be outstanding- just bin it - it'll save you endless grief).
  
  So, do a re -write and put yourself in the mind of the potential customer.
  
  Answering these rather important questions -
  
  What do they want?
  
  What can you give them?
  
  Why should they believe you?
  
  What is so good about it?
  
  Why is it good?
  
  How will you prove it?
  
  What's the guarantee?
  
  What have others said about it? (testimonials)
  
  What's the best offer you can make?
  
  Why should people act now?
  
  Make the entire "pitch" as irresistible as you possibly can.
  
  And lots more...
  
  But that's enough for a first draft.
  
  And please do a better layout.
  
  Post it again.
  
  And you should get some valuable help.
  
  Steve
  
  P.S. I did like the "charity donation" you'll be making - there you go - you're feeling a bit better now aren't you?
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
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MyNewMama 14 years ago

I noticed that the first letter of every word in your headlines are capitalized. Your headline will be easier to read if you ONLY capitalize the first letter of the first word and the reet lowercase. Newspapers have studied this for decades and it shows the most people find that lowercase is easier to read and gets better readership, which is what you want from a headline.

This is not your headline, but I'll use this as an example just to provide a visual:

Version 1: "Who Else Wants To Know How Millionaires Become Millioniares?"

Version 2: "Who else wants to know how millionaires become millionaires?"

Version 2 is a lot easier on the eyes.
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