Looking for a Critique! My first sales page

by sycme

Posted: 15 years ago 11 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi everyone long time lurker and have been trying to absorb as much marketing material as possible as time permits thru this site and various books recommended on here.

Id love to have you guys give me some feedback on the sales page we just created.

idk if i can put the link on here so shoot me a pm if you've got some spare time.

bigtime appreciate it!

#critique #page #sales

affiliatecopywriter 15 years ago

Give us the link and we'll give you our 2 cents.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
Real Wholesale Sources
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5006704].message }}
- sycme 15 years ago
  
  cool i apreciate it!
  
  its positionsize dot net
  
  i need 15 posts to do an actual link aparently.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5007467].message }}
  
  ARSuarez 15 years ago
  
  Ok amigo... I'm going to be straight with you.
  
  This copy is, right now, a nightmarish cluster ****.
  
  Your headline is WAAAY me-tooish.
  
  The lead is clumsy and forced.
  
  You offer no proof up front as to why you're even worth listening to.
  
  You have a thousand ideas, all presented weakly (and some of them could be strong if you picked and focused on it).
  
  Your strongest (and only) credibility piece, "We're followed by..." is buried near the end of the copy.
  
  You have a bunch of bullets before you introduce or explain the product.
  
  You force an address of my problems.
  
  You don't come across as if you know what you're talking about - you come across as some crazy man banging on a keyboard.
  
  Tying back into your credibility/proof, you post that email that is supposed to make me say, "Yeah, that's BS," but you don't show me YOUR track record. YOUR gains and losses.
  
  How can you down THAT portfolio, especially when mine looks the same, and not show yours... just criticize?
  
  You start talking about "BIDHITTER" and then say you have 50 years combined experience.
  
  Just tell me - how long have you been doing this?
  
  Because my first assumption could be, "So there's 50 guys who've been at this for 1 year each."
  
  And to top it off, the bullets are weak.
  
  Look, I know you're trying. But financial copy is a brutal world. Make sure you're studying and critiquing yourself heavily. Even better if you can hire a writer to knock one out of the park for you.
  
  Good luck.
  
  -Angel
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5007970].message }}
Stephen Bray 15 years ago

I think there's lots of improvements you
might make to this letter. But before we
get into that I wonder if you know your
market? It's one thing to sell a $39 e-book,
and quite another to promote a product
going out at $250. I may be unpopular to
suggest here that people willing to invest
this amount won't readily convert with
this style of letter, but I think it could be
positioned stylistically a whole lot better
for your market.

You're selling an investment product, not a business
oportunity. Do you have to be a licenced financial
advisor to sell this in your part of the world BTW?

The other problem with it is that it's ungrammatical,
and has awkward sentences in it. I'm not of the school
that claims that copy has to be grammatically tight,
and I do hold that informality and writing as you
speak is usually a good policy. In this instance,
however, I'm unconvinced that you're writing as you
speak. It's more like you got hold of a style from somewhere
and then inserted your content into it.

I'm not writing this to be hurtful. I simply think this
needs work if it's going to convert.

My major quibbles are with the offer and the guarantee.
The offer simply isn't compelling, and the guarantee isn't long
enough for a $250 product that's floated on a volatile market.
Hell you could lose your shirt on refunds if Greece goes
belly up, or Louisiana was forced to pay off some of its debt.
An earthquake, an oil spill, a small war in the Middle East
over in the Strait of Hormuz and the market will dip no
matter how good your product. What then if everyone
makes a loss in those two weeks? They'll ALL want their
money back, and blame you for their troubles!

If on the other hand you're pitching a long term investment
strategy don't you think a long term guarantee makes far
more sense? It would if I was putting in $250.00.

Take a look at this: http://www.thegaryhalbertletter.com/Newsletters/zall_more_stock_secrets.htm

I'm not suggesting you steal the words, or the style,
but look how much more elegant is the prose, and how
much more subtle the pitch. There's evidence there in
hard figures. It's grammatical, but not formal.

I hope this helps, it's not much, but all I can come up
with in just a few minutes.

Stephen
- [ 1 ] Thanks
Signature
Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5008131].message }}
sycme 15 years ago

Bigtime apreciate all the feedback! Very glad to have experts provide feedback on all this before we actually make an attempt to sell anything.

Do you have to be a licenced financial advisor to sell this in your part of the world BTW?

We do, but they're not required for the content in the dvd as its not a recomendation to buy/sell any security. The content is primarily on managing proability through various forms of mathmatics.

in this:

Tying back into your credibility/proof, you post that email that is supposed to make me say, "Yeah, that's BS," but you don't show me YOUR track record. YOUR gains and losses.

To a limited extent we can, the majority of which we can't due to NDA's w clients. But what you mention is great insofar as numerous ideas listed in the sales page. probbaly would be better to lead w who we are and what we do for inst side clinets as creditbility builder vs trying to cater to retail trader/investors w personal story on how i got started in the biz etc. what are your thoughts on that route?

It's one thing to sell a $39 e-book,
and quite another to promote a product

going out at $250.

Along those lines, the price is peanuts (our data feeds cost 100+ more per month) but brought up another question from bank clients, they loved the dvd but had similar question on who is this material specifically for bc it applies to individual and institutional side... I agree we need to figure out further how to best position it bc thats two totally seperate targets and pitch has to be modified acordingly even tho content will no question bennifit both.

Truth is, if they cant spring the 249, they shouldnt be trading

but if we're focuing on more B2B type sales i def agree on what your saying w they wont respond to a letter like this, agree 100%. i wouldnt.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5008248].message }}
RadiniCopywriting 15 years ago

If you want some quick points:

-Try and use fewer questions
-Don't use long words ie. volatility or technical terms unless you have to
-Shorter sentences

I hope this helps, keep up the hard work, and ewll done for being so brave as to ask for criticism
- Thanks
Signature
Copywriting in Banbury, Oxfordshire.

Copywriting Blog
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5008391].message }}
sycme 15 years ago

TY all for some truely great advise!

Sometimes the best way to get trust is simply to assume it.

Excellent point

Trading really is more about money management than anything else.

Exactly!
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5011185].message }}
ARSuarez 15 years ago

"Sometimes the best way to get trust is simply to assume it."

I would not recommend this in the financial world. The sources cited are big, well known places - Motley Fool is even pretty well known.

WSJ?
Forbes?

You can't make a comparison between this small company and those giants.

On the back end, if they know and are familiar with you... maybe. Your kind of a celebrity/guru to them at that point.

But definitely not as a front end package. On a front end, assuming they trust you is a death sentence.

This is a highly sophisticated and therefore highly skeptical market. When they have bought a front end product - their first sale with you - then you have more room when it comes to your credibility.

It means you initial sale has satisfied them enough to proof you're credible.

But again, if this is going to an unsold list/cold list, then don't assume. Show proof. Give them reasons to trust you.

That's probably the most important piece of advice I can give you when writing in this industry.

-Angel
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5015439].message }}
- ewenmack 15 years ago
  
  First is big picture stuff...
  
  #1 I don't know who you are gearing this promo/product too.
  On reading it, I don't know if it's for me or not, then your ideal buyer certainly won't.
  
  What follows next comes from being crystal clear on the first piece.
  
  #2 Right from the get-go you gotta credentialize yourself.
  
  #3 In the investment market you have to sell the methodology.
  
  #4 Infuse greed and fear of loss.
  
  Whole books have been written about 3 of those 4.
  Using methodology is a little more unknown concept.
  
  An example would be Penny Stocks, Oil sector, Short trading.
  
  Whatever yours is, you gotta tell your ideal buyer that it's the best
  thing since slice bread was invented.
  
  Give examples of past trades in the market and what market forces where then.
  Now tell why those market noises are even louder now than back then.
  
  It's the research you dig up that sets this up.
  
  It's this golden research that wealthy investors part money for, happily and ongoing.
  
  Once you got the set up, you move in with the loss mechanism.
  
  This is done by saying how others have made xx gains from your long list of trades.
  [give examples]
  
  And others lost because they didn't know about it or passed it up.
  
  Winners and Losers.
  
  Their happy chemicals now start flooding their brain
  
  No time to turn off the tap.
  
  Keep it flowing by adding bonuses and incentives for hitting that Buy Button now.
  
  Time to fall in love with what you've got again.
  
  Best,
  Ewen
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5015943].message }}

Looking for a Critique! My first sales page

Trending Topics

Tribute to Mark...

Google Adding Ads to AI?

What if we banned Google?

How to make affiliates sell my product??

Is sleep overrated ??