Time to take it. Criticism appreciated.

by gjabiz
18 replies
Before I go live, your time and thoughts are appreciated:

Remote Influence. The Guide To Persausion, Influence by Remote Means

I created this specifically for Warriors.

Thanks in advance for your time and thoughts on this.

gjabiz
#appreciated #criticism #time
  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    Hey Gordon,

    I attached a doc with my thoughts - I stopped about half way through and put my 'summary' on the last page.

    Sorry, just ran out of time and couldn't go line by line.

    -Angel
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Excellent Angel,

      I appreciate the time you took and loved how you did it. THANKS.

      gjabiz

      Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

      Hey Gordon,

      I attached a doc with my thoughts - I stopped about half way through and put my 'summary' on the last page.

      Sorry, just ran out of time and couldn't go line by line.

      -Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

    Before I go live, your time and thoughts are appreciated:

    Remote Influence. The Guide To Persausion, Influence by Remote Means

    I created this specifically for Warriors.

    Thanks in advance for your time and thoughts on this.

    gjabiz
    Gordon, I actually think it's great...sounds interesting.

    You're a good copywriter -- but then again that's not a big secret.

    You've been at the business for many years.

    The only thing I'm wondering is if the bold black lines would be more effective if they were red.

    Just curious if you've tested the colors before.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Gordon,

    Good job on the letter.

    Let me ask you a couple questions:

    You talk about appealing to warriors. Is there a reason you did not get more into the shoes of a warrior?

    For instance, talking about online copywriting projects and challenges? (e.g. Squeeze pages, e-mail, etc.)

    Or stirring up the envy and jealousy of a warrior when they see a killer Clickbank pitch page in their niche? (Or some other specific type of copy they'd drool over.)

    Also, you may want to talk about the feelings (greed, ambition) associated with watching four and five figures being dumped into their PayPal or affiliate account every month because of a winning sales letter they wrote.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to consider getting more visceral.

    Good luck and much success,

    - Rick Duris
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
      Hi Gordon,

      You have the raw material for a good sales letter.

      I like your challenge to readers at the end of your letter.

      I have a few suggestions:

      You need a more powerful headline.

      I agree with Rick...you need to agitate the problem much more...a lot more emotional appeal to your audience.

      I would your improve your section on your guarantee. I would have a subhead for the guarantee section.

      Add one or two compelling bonuses.

      Add some powerful bullet points.

      Put another buy button after your P.S.

      Best,

      Thomas O'Malley
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      • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
        Thank you Thomas, much appreciated.

        Raw material indeed...I'll take these suggestions and put some "fire" into it.

        gjabiz




        Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley View Post

        Hi Gordon,

        You have the raw material for a good sales letter.

        I like your challenge to readers at the end of your letter.

        I have a few suggestions:

        You need a more powerful headline.

        I agree with Rick...you need to agitate the problem much more...a lot more emotional appeal to your audience.

        I would your improve your section on your guarantee. I would have a subhead for the guarantee section.

        Add one or two compelling bonuses.

        Add some powerful bullet points.

        Put another buy button after your P.S.

        Best,

        Thomas O'Malley
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      IMHO, it needs a rewrite.

      Not wild about the headline. It's pretty bland, and implies that the course only takes 9 minutes to complete. If that's my motivation for reading on (that I can become a Top Gun copywriter in 9 minutes) I'm quickly disappointed a few paragraphs later.

      Overall, your target market isn't really addressed ("I created this specifically for Warriors"), and I know you have the chops to do so. (Hint: "Imagine")

      Some of the people reading the letter may know who you are; many may not. For the latter, you have't explained why you're qualified to be their guide to 9 minutes of copy Nirvana.

      Style quibble: Shorter sentences. Between Tweets and FB status updates and texting and PMs - your modern-day Internet grazer is going to get bogged down in sentences of that length. Printed out on paper, they would probably not seem so weighty. But online, they're just slowing your reader's eyeballs like mud stuck to the soles of your feet.
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Collette View Post

        Style quibble: Shorter sentences. Between Tweets and FB status updates and texting and PMs - your modern-day Internet grazer is going to get bogged down in sentences of that length. Printed out on paper, they would probably not seem so weighty. But online, they're just slowing your reader's eyeballs like mud stuck to the soles of your feet.
        Makes a note to self.

        Thanks Collette.

        Kindest regards,


        Mark Andrews
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        • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
          Banned
          The disconnect for me Gordon is this...

          Your main headline very strongly hints at this process taking just 9 minutes. If this is the case, why have and do the top copywriters take years to hone their craft?

          9 minutes - 5 years. :confused:

          9 minutes - 10 years plus. :confused:

          Hmmm... there's a certain disconnect here which screams something sounding too good to be true.

          If it were this easy... why would the top copywriters waste so much of their time over many years perfecting the copywriting craft IF it can so easily be imparted to others in literally just a couple of minutes?

          You know and I both know this quite simply isn't true. No one can become the equivalent of a top gun copywriter on the back of just 9 minutes tuition, it doesn't matter how good the teaching model is - this is just simply impossible.

          Okay, so you're appealing to their sense of greed - telling your target market the professional copywriters have all been holding some massive secret back for eons from ordinary folk in the street.

          You're telling your market all of the top gun copywriters have been deceiving everyone else all this time, in effect saying, "Is it really so that ??? said you will not live forever if you simply partake of this fruit? It's a lie I tell you! Positively you will live forever knowing good from bad. Just eat this fruit and all the knowledge you need right now will be revealed to you."

          See the similarity?

          I believe the positioning with all due respect Gordon, is wrong. And it won't cut it in the marketplace. Not with this headline. Nor with this sales copy.

          The pitch needs another angle.

          Best,


          Mark Andrews
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Hi Gordon,

      Good job on the letter.

      Let me ask you a couple questions:

      You talk about appealing to warriors. Is there a reason you did not get more into the shoes of a warrior?

      For instance, talking about online copywriting projects and challenges? (e.g. Squeeze pages, e-mail, etc.)

      Or stirring up the envy and jealousy of a warrior when they see a killer Clickbank pitch page in their niche? (Or some other specific type of copy they'd drool over.)

      Also, you may want to talk about the feelings (greed, ambition) associated with watching four and five figures being dumped into their PayPal or affiliate account every month because of a winning sales letter they wrote.

      I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to consider getting more visceral.

      Good luck and much success,

      - Rick Duris
      Yes, thanks Rick, the spaghetti stuck to the wall...far from done...VISCERAL... got it. Again, thanks for taking the time and great suggestions.

      gjabiz
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Same thing Angel said, glaring issues are ZERO proof or credibility. Weak overall though IMO.

    Although I think I'm a fairly experienced copywriter, and therefor have a snobbish attitude toward "newbie" guides, the copy still aught to appeal to me, but it just doesn't.

    Angel, I just figured something out... You just started working for the Sovereign Society, right?

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Originally Posted by colmodwyer View Post

      Same thing Angel said, glaring issues are ZERO proof or credibility. Weak overall though IMO.

      Although I think I'm a fairly experienced copywriter, and therefor have a snobbish attitude toward "newbie" guides, the copy still aught to appeal to me, but it just doesn't.

      Angel, I just figured something out... You just started working for the Sovereign Society, right?

      Colm
      ^^ Colm's got it. I have a fair amount of experience, and I'm also a 'mark' (I'll buy pretty much ANYTHING copywriting related). For this reason, the copy should appeal to me. But it doesn't.

      Keep this rule in mind: make sure you have your core audience down and on your side. If you don't have the foodies for a food product, you're fighting an uphill battle.


      And second part - yeah, been here for a few months now. Going on six soon, I think. It's why I've been erratic with my appearance on the forum.

      Shoot me a PM amigo. I hate to derail Gordon's thread here.
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      • Gordon,

        I agree with the others about the copy.

        But I've read a fair bit of your stuff and this new promo does have your unique style.

        The great thing is you never "over hype."

        If people buying WSO's "know" you - I think it'll work.

        Because you already have huge credibility.

        And I'm guessing the price point will be around the usual WSO amounts.

        But if they don't "know" you - I would do what the others suggested.

        Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Thanks to all who responded, both here and privately. Great critiques. Good advice...

    although it was kind and gentle, as if I were a fragile old man who couldn't take anything too harsh...so,

    I'll critique me.

    Hey Gordon...DUDE,


    Aren't you the guy who harps on us about TARGET, TARGET, TARGET?

    I have ONE question for you dude...

    Did you use these 9 magical pieces of paper to write THIS copy? IF so, your product sucks cause your copy sucks.

    Where's the TARGET? You say it is for warriors? HA!

    Where is the headline that would resonate with warriors? NO Where in your copy.

    Where is the sizzle? The mouth-watering steak going by on a silver platter which makes your TARGET salivate with desire?

    I suggest you either USE those 9 pieces of magical copywriting papers...OR...you hire someone who knows what they are doing.

    And that is what I sort of expected...

    but, I did get some high quality, albeit very gentle, reviews pointing out the error of my ways...and that, mainly is NOT using what I tell others to do...not taking my own advice and being lazy with the copy.

    Thank you everyone and even YOU gjabiz, you curmudgeonly old SOB, who preaches about matching the message to the TARGET...you might be on to something.

    AGAIN to all, your time and thoughts are greatly appreciated...

    gjabiz

    PS. All copy goes to intent and purpose and I got what I wanted from this, thanks.
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    • Profile picture of the author max5ty
      Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

      Thanks to all who responded, both here and privately. Great critiques. Good advice...

      although it was kind and gentle, as if I were a fragile old man who couldn't take anything too harsh...so,

      I'll critique me.

      Hey Gordon...DUDE,


      Aren't you the guy who harps on us about TARGET, TARGET, TARGET?

      I have ONE question for you dude...

      Did you use these 9 magical pieces of paper to write THIS copy? IF so, your product sucks cause your copy sucks.

      Where's the TARGET? You say it is for warriors? HA!

      Where is the headline that would resonate with warriors? NO Where in your copy.

      Where is the sizzle? The mouth-watering steak going by on a silver platter which makes your TARGET salivate with desire?

      I suggest you either USE those 9 pieces of magical copywriting papers...OR...you hire someone who knows what they are doing.

      And that is what I sort of expected...

      but, I did get some high quality, albeit very gentle, reviews pointing out the error of my ways...and that, mainly is NOT using what I tell others to do...not taking my own advice and being lazy with the copy.

      Thank you everyone and even YOU gjabiz, you curmudgeonly old SOB, who preaches about matching the message to the TARGET...you might be on to something.

      AGAIN to all, your time and thoughts are greatly appreciated...

      gjabiz

      PS. All copy goes to intent and purpose and I got what I wanted from this, thanks.
      Guess I must have missed this one.

      I'm not as good as Ewen or Mark Andrews in giving a critique...

      but I didn't think it would do bad as a WSO.

      I never thought you were a fragile old man...I have noticed you seem to take mood swings though

      I think you'll do good with the idea.
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post


      ...

      I'll critique me.

      Hey Gordon...DUDE,


      ...

      Now THAT'S some good writing! :p
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      • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray
        I just read the copy you posted, and your own critique of it
        and find it hard to believe that you wrote both of these.

        A quick scan of 'ur website reveals much tighter and more
        captivating writing too. I'm wondering if April 1st falls later
        in Florida than the rest of the planet?


        I did a quick re-write, with some ideas, but in general think
        there are too many words lazing around doing nothing, and
        insufficient doing any real work.

        That holds for my edit too. It needs some work yet!


        Stephen
        Signature
        Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
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        • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
          Thanks Stephen Bray, great critique, Much appreciated. And some damn nice copy there too.

          gjabiz
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