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Sales Letter Critique From You Wonderful People, Please? :)

by Prashant_W
21 replies
hi everyone

i've been promoting my copywriting service for a while, and have managed to take on a handful of clients.

right now, what i'd really really appreciate is a full-fledged, no holds bar, as ruthless as you wanna be critique of one of the sales letters i wrote for a client!

side note: i sent this to my client quite a while ago, and he loved it. but i really want to know how good it is, from a copywriter's point of view you see?

because i've been have my fair share of self-doubt creeping up on me.

would love any feedback from you guys!

i've attached the sales letter here btw

looking forward to your comments

cheerio

prash

PS: i won't cry, moan, complain or defend myself (unless you insult my momma)... so you can really be critiqual (see what i did there?)
#critique #letter #people #sales #wonderful
  • Profile picture of the author CopyWriteHer
    To me, there seemed to be some overkill. I would be skeptical of any program that claimed to terminate the risk of every fatal disease. All human beings are at risk to some degree.



    You mentioned you’ve (meaning “you” as your client) read government approved material… you might have emphasized that your years of study and trimming the fluff away from what’s out there allows your clients to save years of research and get straight to what matters. Otherwise, they might think, “I can do that too. I’ll just start researching like this guy did.” You did mention something like this later, but much farther down in your copy.


    Aside from these things, I think you really need to proof your copy before delivering it to your client (or have someone else proofread for you). When I am reading offers like yours, overlooked details feed my skepticism – plus, you want to look professional and detail-oriented to your client.



    “And I'm prepared to tale you by the hand and literally lead you to your dream body!”
    “tale” should have been “take”

    “In a few seconds, they may up their minds.” (from paragraph 3)
    “may” should have been “make”

    This bit… “I hated having my picture taken. So bad that I avoided them like the plague.” reads awkwardly. Perhaps change “avoided them like the plague” to “avoided it like the plague”. There are some other instances like this that read oddly or used redundant language.

    I think you had some good ideas here. Best wishes for the continued growth of your business.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hey Prashant,

    I'm with Matt on the headline and opening.

    The letter lacks focus.

    There's nothing in there that makes me believe what you're saying.

    You spend longer trying to justify the price than actually talking about the product. Had you seen the product before writing the letter?

    And as CopyWriteHer points out, there's some rather odd phrases in there.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author art72
    Honestly, I didn't make it to the sales letter, because it drives me nuts when people post threads in all "CAPS" or all "lower case".

    Write right!
    Signature
    Atop a tree with Buddha ain't a bad place to take rest!
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  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray
    "With the prospect of death looming, I knew
    there was only one way out. And this time, I
    was driven to find a permanent solution."

    This is the most powerful sentence in the copy, yet it's buried a long way down the text in an insignificant paragraph.

    Without too much effort this could be turned into a headline, and the whole piece created in a news style format around this theme. In some publications this could be the more compelling approach IMHO.

    Stephen
    Signature
    Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      No "before and after" proof in a fitness/weight loss letter?

      --- Ross
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    • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray

      Well, I din't write 'no work' Ken. I wrote 'without too much effort'.

      But you knew that

      Thanx,

      Stephen
      Signature
      Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Stephen Bray View Post


        Well, I din't write 'no work' Ken. I wrote 'without too much effort'.

        But you knew that

        Thanx,

        Stephen
        He's not disputing that. He's picking up on "permanent solution" - i.e. "death" - in that para -

        "With the prospect of death looming, I knew
        there was only one way out. And this time, I
        was driven to find a permanent solution."

        Ken finds a lot of stuff ironic/droll/weird and he's not being nasty - he's just saying. But it is a strange piece of writing. Don't you think? That "find a permanent solution" is dangerously close to "final solution" - genocide.
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        • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray
          Yes, I don't think we should go down the eugenic path when considering any kind of problems.

          At Last A Final Solution To Your Weight Loss Problem!

          I don't think so

          Stephen
          Signature
          Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            Originally Posted by Stephen Bray View Post

            Yes, I don't think we should go down the eugenic path when considering any kind of problems.

            At Last A Final Solution To Your Weight Loss Problem!

            I don't think so

            Stephen
            Hey Fat Dude...At Last!

            A Final Solution to Your Weight Loss Problem

            Shoot Yourself

            No Kidding - You'll Feel Much Better
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            • Profile picture of the author Increase Media
              Your copy needs better structure, organization, and lacks reasons why people should believe what you're saying. Once you are able to make people believe what you are saying, trust follows, and then sales follow after that.
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              • Profile picture of the author Azarna
                "to Shed Pounds by the Minute, Eradicate Deadly Diseases"

                the only way to shed pounds by the minute would be surgery, and no way I believe you can eradicate deadly diseases, just totally unbelievable hype, sorry
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    "I'd terminated the risk of diabetes, and every other fatal disease."

    So you've got a cure for cancer now?

    Pray to whatever god(s) you worship the FDA don't get ahold of this one.

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Prashant_W
    my client hasn't responded to my emails cook!

    as for everyone else. thank you for your responses! i appreciate em and i'll take note of what you guys have said when i write my next piece!

    cheerio

    prash
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  • Profile picture of the author dominateseo
    I am a newbie copywriter and while i might not have enough experience to critic your sales letter, i actually learnt some new interesting ideas from your letters and the advice of everybody is truly appreciated, too. Thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Bloody awful. Starting with this overworked dud of a headline - “Finally, the First Practical, Step- by-Step, Roadmap, to Shed Pounds by the Minute, Eradicate Deadly Diseases and Sculpt the Ultimate Warrior Body... No Matter How Old You Are, How Obese You Are, or How Lazy You Are – 100% Guaranteed!”

    The client "loved it"??? WTF??? Seems you deserve each other then.

    But really Dude...this is a stinker. Reads like a "paint-by-numbers" work. Generic. No soul. And as others have pointed out - you can't claim this will "eradicate deadly diseases". What a crock. And a red flag to FDA and FTC.

    You also need to watch your grammar and punctuation. Starting with that head. Its a "step-by-step roadmap" not a "step-by-step [comma] roadmap".


    Dude...I don't care how old you are...how overweight...how lazy

    Here's an easy and fun way to lose weight and build muscle


    "No More Fat *******"
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    • Profile picture of the author PvPGuy
      Originally Posted by Stephen Bray View Post

      "With the prospect of death looming, I knew
      there was only one way out. And this time, I
      was driven to find a permanent solution."

      This is the most powerful sentence in the copy, yet it's buried a long way down the text in an insignificant paragraph.

      Without too much effort this could be turned into a headline, and the whole piece created in a news style format around this theme. In some publications this could be the more compelling approach IMHO.

      Stephen
      This is the best piece of advice in this thread.


      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Bloody awful. Starting with this overworked dud of a headline - "Finally, the First Practical, Step- by-Step, Roadmap, to Shed Pounds by the Minute, Eradicate Deadly Diseases and Sculpt the Ultimate Warrior Body... No Matter How Old You Are, How Obese You Are, or How Lazy You Are - 100% Guaranteed!"

      The client "loved it"??? WTF??? Seems you deserve each other then.

      But really Dude...this is a stinker. Reads like a "paint-by-numbers" work. Generic. No soul. And as others have pointed out - you can't claim this will "eradicate deadly diseases". What a crock. And a red flag to FDA and FTC.

      You also need to watch your grammar and punctuation. Starting with that head. Its a "step-by-step roadmap" not a "step-by-step [comma] roadmap".
      This is the best critique. Harsh, but correct. You're overselling a product you "seem" to not be familiar with. Not enough about the product itself. No proof, and some outlandish claims.

      Hype is great, and it still sells, but it has to be believable. The program has the power to eradicate disease, that's great, but how? Did I miss that part of the copy?

      You make comments about the author's story, but these are incomplete thoughts. They are choppy, and sometimes don't read well (as others have already said).

      Your narrative style changes from first to second person point of view, and does it strangely. I'm not a literary expert, but be careful how you jump in and out of narrative style.

      Make sure when you use second person, you are increasing the probability of the reader identifying with your story, and not disrupting their mental state which is passive and prone to programming when they read sales copy.

      An example of what I'm referring to:
      "Look, when you walk into a room, and there's a cute guy or girl you'd like to know better, watch them look around the place..."

      I suppose there is nothing wrong with the concept here if you are only targeting single guys and gals who are looking to attract partners. This line will disrupt a passive state of mind for a married person, for example, who is not looking to pick up a date.

      Better it would be, I suppose, if you turned that phrase differently, so the focus was on people looking at the obese person as they walk in a room, drawing attention because of their weight problem, which all fat people can identify with.

      "I hated how people would look at me when I entered a room."

      That better expresses the feelings of an overweight person, and doesn't alienate any group of fat people. You could, I suppose, use an isolated scenario specific to the narrator, which doesn't necessarily draw people out of their state of mind, they will just register the scenario as specific to you.

      "I hated how people would look at me when I entered a room. And being the young single guy I was, I knew no attractive girl would take me seriously"

      Instead, you used second person narrative:

      "(You)Look, when you walk into a room, and there's a cute guy or girl you'd like to know better, watch them look around the place. In a few seconds, they [make] up their minds. And if you've got fat pouring out of your shirt, such that you look like someone on the Biggest Loser, there's no chance in hell they'd bother to talk to you."

      When you engage your audience directly with commands and the second person (you), then you force them to process each scenario in a different manner than if you stuck with the first person. For example, ask this about each potential reader:
      Do they:
      A: Want to attract partners? (Not if they're married)
      B: Have fat pouring out of their shirts? (not all fat people do)
      C: Look like someone on the Biggest Loser? (not all fat people are that fat)

      It would have been ok to describe yourself that way (in first person), but you don't want to force your personal experience onto the reader, when they may in fact, not have similar experiences. There's a large range of obesity out there, use a big net to catch the most fish.

      As a positive note, I think you have a very good grasp of what you're trying to accomplish with the copy. Calling it "paint by numbers" was a bit harsh, lol.

      -PvP




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  • Profile picture of the author Prashant_W
    once again. wow! and thank you for all your words!

    i'm gonna read through every word and take in all your advice!

    and to the copy nazi, malcolm lambe! i've added you up on skype. i checked your website out, and i love your approach! you've really opened my eyes.

    cheerio!

    prash
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