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Do you think my first attempt on copywriting is any good?

by fellipe
7 replies
I've wrote an email letter to try to get customers to try my web application. Please rate it and point my mistakes!!

So you need to present the album design
to your clients so they can give you
feedback on it, right? GREAT!!!

Lets breakdown the whole process...

If you are perfectionist like me,
You spend a lot of time designing your albums...

I know, I know.. 1px can be the difference
between perfection and the feeling that
something is out place... I totally get you!

And after you are done... What a relief feeling!
You say: "thank god, I'm done!"... BUT unfortunately
YOU ARE W-R-O-N-G!!!

Now You have to figure out a way to send
the design to your client.
BUT you are already tired and the least thing
you want to do is wasting time on this BOOORING task.

How great it would be if we could just send the
album direct to print!!! BUT NO...
The client always want to poke her nose!!!
(and lets be honest, the album was PERFECT!!)

So, you need to prepare the album design,
send it to your client, collect her feedback,
make those "life-changing" requests (dear god...)
and then start all over again..
This of course if those requests were clear as Greek*
and you waste more time re-doing them..

*if you are a greek photographer,
please substitute Greek to any other language you dont speak

How many time are you wasting on this???
Dont you think this whole process should be done
in minutes instead of hours??? So do I!

So please, do your life a favor and start
using Album Draft!

Now you can say goodbye to the boring task of
proofing albums because album draft will really
save your time and money.

Its incredibly easy to use that I like to call it
Foolproof Album Proofing... Catchy ha!

Seriously, it was created with every single need
of professional photographers on mind that
you will scream: OH MY GOD, THIS IS MORE PERFECT
THAN THE MOST PERFECT THING ON THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!!
Ok, probably you wont be screaming that.
(If you do please, record a video so we can post
on our home page)...

Now here's what you're going to do:

CLICK HERE

and create a free trial account on album draft.
It won't take 10 seconds.

Then I would LOVE to get an email from you telling me
what you think about it.

Ok, Im gotta go now, if you have any questions
send me an email. Please, dont think twice. Its all right!

Ps.: We are better than our competitors and you will love it!
#attempt #copywriting #good
  • Profile picture of the author Collette
    The copy reads like you're overthinking this email. Let's back up a little:

    Your market: Album designers (do you mean, music albums, such as CDs?) who need a quicker, easier way to send draft designs to their clients.

    Your market's problem: [I'm not sure. You need to define this more precisely. Why is "album proofing" such a pain? Ad why do they have to proof an entire album for a single client?]

    Your solution: "Album Draft" [ which does WHAT]?

    Your "proof": [No proof given. You need to give your reader something like, "Album Draft is the answer to all your album problems because it:

    [does FEATURE #1 to help you {solve this problem}]
    [has FEATURE # 2 to help you {solve this problem}]
    [add features as you need]"

    Your Offer: A free trial of Album Draft: [why free? (presumably to introduce them to how awesome it is and "let you see for yourself") for how many days? full-featured/limited features?]

    Your instructions for how to get it: Click the link.


    ALSO: Your headline is going to be key to getting this email opened and read.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
    Originally Posted by fellipe View Post

    Ps.: We are better than our competitors and you will love it!
    Hello Fellipe,

    Not sure if what you've posted here is something that you're intending to send out via autoresponder, or if you're going to email this manually to a list of prospects...

    ...but I wanted to take a minute and comment on your PS.

    No offense, Fellipe... but the statement "We are better than our competitors" is almost meaningless to your prospects.

    You might very well be better than your competitors, but saying those exact words to your prospective customers isn't going to get them to act on your offering.

    Know what they're going to think in their head?

    "WHY are you better than your competitors? WHY, out of ALL my other options... should I do business with YOU?"

    So you've got to answer those questions before they even come up, Fellipe.

    An easy way to do that?

    As you're writing, take a second and put yourself in the shoes of who is going to see it.

    Imagine them saying "So what?" to EVERYTHING that you come up with.

    People are going to have objections--that's just part of doing business.

    In fact, questions of any kind that race through a prospect's mind ARE objections... and "So what?" is a big one.

    Plain and simple, if they're asking questions, they're not ready buy... and keeping this one little question in mind as you write will help your prospects see the uniqueness of what you're offering, and how it benefits them.

    That's all I wanted to comment on for now... if you've got any questions, I'm here to answer.

    To be honest, Fellipe, I've seen a lot worse... so thank you for having the courage to post what you've written in here for feedback.


    Jake
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    • Profile picture of the author Karson
      The ones above me have covered quite a bit and I agree with them. One thing you might want to do when you are done is have someone to check and fix your english grammar. It threw me off when reading what you had a few times.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mel White
    The overall impression made by your copy is "Hi! I'm from another country and I really want you to buy my product because I'm young and hip."

    I agree with Collette -- it's not clear who your market is.

    I've done covers before, and I can't figure out why I would want your software. If you're dealing with one of the big publishing houses (music, books, etc), there's a process that we go through (involving contracts, draft approval, kill fees, and so forth) which is pretty well known in the world of professionals.

    Is this designed for amateurs?

    The way this ad is written, it appears directed ONLY to semi-pro or amateur young males who are submitting pieces for approval and who may not be working with a professional publishing house.

    If that's your market, then it's good -- but you need a native English speaker to rewrite it if your market is English speakers.
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  • Profile picture of the author BenoitT
    I believe it would have a greater CTR if you are more conversational. I was listening back to PLF where Jeff Walker talk alot about e-mail and one of the first thing he tells you need to do is create your avatar (typical customer). After that, you write your e-mail like if you were answering questions your avatar has.

    If I take your e-mail, I can see you're strongly including pain points. That's a great start. However, I would target specificly only one instead of trying to bond with them with 15 different pain points. It doesn't look sincere otherwise.

    An example of story you can shape about perfectionism is how you were spending typically 5 hours on that design and now, you can do twice with the same quality. You don't have to lie, just try to find something people would find interesting.

    Rule #1 in e-mail marketing: DON'T BE BORING =)

    Great work and keep us updated
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    Benoit Tremblay

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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      You really need a native English speaker to check it through, there are quite a lot of rather odd bits.

      "The client always want to poke her nose!!!" - sorry, but that really made me laugh
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  • Profile picture of the author Increase Media
    The thing that's very clear is that the person sending the email speaks English as a second language. The giveaway is something that most people who's first language is not English has, which is missing "articles." Articles in the English language are words like "a", "the", etc.

    I applaud your efforts to try to write your own email, but it would probably be better to get a good writer to write it for you and just study and learn from the writer you hire so eventually you can do it yourself.
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